Reply to Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

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[quote=Anonymous]While DCUM nearly always defaults to the perennial "but do you write thank you notes to your mother's best friend's daughter for the bday gift" i dont think this is a case of unequal division of labor, at least not in the traditional sense, and so all the arguments around gender and household and taking on more of a burden are probably not the issue here, If they were the answer would be for them to hire tons of help (OP indicates he is very successful).

I think the issue is the set of choices and roles you each fell into years ago, choices that put you on a professional path toward success and your wife on the mom track. This is something that seemed to work for each of you, and perhaps she rarely expressed the desire to do things otherwise. But now she is done. She doesn't really feel like she has an identity of her own, outside of wife/mother, and she probably looks at friends who seem to have it all--glamorous career, spouse, kids, etc (we all know not to believe that everyone , or at least every woman, can have it all but doesn't mean we dont want it).

I suspect that she's feeling this way as a kind of identity crisis and its a surprise to OP (and maybe that's an issue with him, or their communication) and the only way she can imagine feeling happy or fulfilled is to radically change her roles--as if pulling back from the household will suddenly open a world of opportunities. Usually there is also an element of fantasy around dating someone else, someone exciting and sexy who sees you for the beautiful sexy woman you are (or want to be!) and not mom, wife, Which is why a lot of people are asking about affair. Doesn't means she is having one or wants one, just that this is exactly the situtation in which someone is vulnerable.

I feel for both of them, no one is 'the bad guy' here, but something alone the way solidified into a pattern where she fills something is missing and what she does have is unfulfilling. And the truth is, I would feel that way too. I love my kids but if my life revolved aroudn them and having a perfect home and dinner on the table, I'd go slowly crazy. I have a job where I do reading, writing, travel, and I have a lot of childfree friends so my social life doesn't revolve around the mom thing, and DH realizes that this is who I am. But if I had married much younger, had not pursued my graduate education and jobs, I might have fallen into this trap too--something that seems great when you start out because having kidsa and running a household to middle class (upper middle class) expectations is endless work. Its also a trap, maybe for the men as much as women, if you choose to have one parent SAH.

OP, your wife doesn't know what she wants, but she is unfulfilled. Maybe she apepars 'selfish' because she's had it "easy," maybe you feel hurt about the things she said, but try to get beyond your feelings. Imagine the roles reversed. You love your kids, but what if you had spent the last 12 years orienting your identity around them and your spouse. not sure what the answer is but she needs therapy for sure. [/quote]

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