She really could have used her time more wisely and felt accomplished. She didn’t need to just stay home with kids. She could have been intensely involved in volunteering and felt fulfilled.


Ugh “intensely involved in volunteering.” That would the same as having a job except no pay, so it is worse. And what is the point if it erases the benefits of staying home (time with kids/ house)

uh, no. That was the case for my mother's generation---where women with wealthy husbands threw themselves into volunteering at a capacity that was basically executive management (as a board member or fundraising chair for a non-profit) because they didn't have as many career options, no matter how smart or educated they were. But that is not the case now and certainly not in this area. The PP above had it right---it's a full time job with no pay. And no, you don't get the same professional respect for doing that type of unpaid volunteer work ---no matter how hard the task---as you do in your career for the job for which you are paid.

If you met in grad school, then you need to respect and support the fact that she has unfulfilled career goals and be a partner and help her achieve them.

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Anonymous wrote:She is tired. She is tired of having everyone depend on her and doing everything - not just physical labor but being the emotional backbone of the family. She is just tired.
Maybe she is having an affair, maybe not. This didn't pop up from nowhere, there had to be signs that you missed. Did she try to talk to you about stuff or have you take an interest and you ignored? Did she ask you to be involved in decisions like camps or schools and you acted uninterested? (I am totally projecting here)
She has one foot out the door. Give her time to explore herself and some freedom to have fun. Do not make this about you.

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

No but here’s the thing, from her perspective: your “sacrifice” working harder than you otherwise would have without a family has brought you acclaim, status, and satisfaction. Her sacrifice has brought her the opposite.

OP here, she said those exact things to me.

NP. Of course. How is this not obvious to you? Tell me this, if you could do it over, would you trade places with her -- where she became the breadwinner and you became a SAHP? My guess is no. You would have keenly felt that loss of status and praise and identity that succeeding in a career gives you. As much as you say you both made equal contributions, you don't really believe it. Society doesn't value them the same either.

She really could have used her time more wisely and felt accomplished. She didn’t need to just stay home with kids. She could have been intensely involved in volunteering and felt fulfilled.

Ugh “intensely involved in volunteering.” That would the same as having a job except no pay, so it is worse. And what is the point if it erases the benefits of staying home (time with kids/ house)

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she regrets her life choices (even though, at the time they were her choices). Or she is wondering what could have been or could still be.

It must be very unsettling for you, because you cannot relate. But I think you have to be patient. She has the right to figure out the next phase of her life.

Perhaps tell her that you are scared, but hope you two have a future together. Describe the happy memories you hope to make with her (and if they don't include things she would enjoy, or you don't know what she would enjoy, then that says something right there). Good luck to you both.

This! Women should really think about whether they want kids or not because it totally changes your life. Your former life will cease to exist. Sounds like she should have chosen the childfree life but what is done is done. The kids needs should come first. Both of you need to fix this or your kids will be forever affected.

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Anonymous wrote:It's hard to be a woman in your 40s. It is. Not saying it isn't hard to be man in your 40s. But that's another post.

OP, what do YOU want? Do you want to separte and divorce?

Have you asked her what this REALLY means? Does she want to be alone temporarily? forever? just sometimes?

Would it help if she had a small space to herself (a tiny house in the country? an apartment in the city?) that she could go a couple days a week? Does she need more alone time on a daily/weekly/yearly basis?

My parent have been married a LONG time. But they also spend time apart when my mom goes to do things, or just do alone time in another state. My dad visits, but it is her place, for her comfort.

There may be creative and better ways to make this work than just her leaving. You might have to start with her taking 3-6 months alone - and then she maybe will reset, recharge, and return.

BTW, do you have kids? If so, how old are they?

two kids, 11 and 14

These kids are to young for her to be acting like this. I thought they were already in college. She is only half way there. These are terrible ages to get a divorce. I would try to fix it.

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Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Cut her loose and you’ll be much happier. Guarantee her life doesn’t end up the way she thinks it will. She’s gonna be miserable.

I left, despite him finally realizing he needed to change. (That didn't happen until I was too burned out on him to care enough to stay, and made the call.) My life ended up being better than I thought it could be.

No affair, though I'm dating now and very happy. Left behind the miserable.

You sound extremely selfish. Your wife needs you to connect with her and lean in. Instead of that, you’re wondering if she wants to end the marriage. It almost seems as if you want her to end it. You thrived in your career and worked hard but she held the fort down while you could focus on your career. If she was working full time, you would have had to cut down some hours to pick up the kids from daycare or drive them to their activities if she’s stuck at work. Please don’t pretend that you did your share while she had it easy. Managing kids and their lives might not be intellectually stimulating but it takes a lot of time and planning, something you didn’t have to do because you were focusing on your career.

Anonymous wrote:I am a SAHW, OP. I feel this way at least 5 out of 7 days but I work to tamp down those feelings because I know DH and kids are depending on me. Everyone desires financial and family stability but no educated person wants to focus on serving others -- even beloved children or partners -- in a menial capacity for decades. If your DW could enjoy nearly the same standard of living without having to live the lackey life, why would she not try to seize the chance to change? She does not care about the cleanliness of your underwear or your latest squabble with a colleague, and is tired of pretending.

The best reply yet Signed, also Sahw

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Anonymous wrote:OP here, she said something to me last night that's tough to swallow or interpret. Basically, she tired of being my wife. Not personally, although it's hard to not take it personally. More about being in my shadow. I am in a somewhat high profile field that gets some media attention, the usual accolades if a project goes well, etc. We met in grad school so she feels its unfair and knows it not fair and she should feel happy and she is proud, etc. but it's swallowed her identity.

Also, she's tired of being in "polite society" and making small talk with my clients, etc. Holding her tongue when we entertain people whose political views she finds repugnant.

Anyway, thanks for all the feedback.

Oh....ok. So I will share this: I have Ph.D/female. I was home for a couple of years with our first child. My husband traveled extensively for his work.This was the scenario for only about 2 years, it sounds like more years for your wife, but for us it was me home, him traveling and at peak career... but it killed me, inside, I have to say. It was very hard. I was so envious. I am competitive by nature, your wife probably is too and like you, my husband is "out there" (social, confident, etc). Meanwhile, I was home with a baby I adored but understimulated, and sad about what seemed like my dead career. (It was not dead but it felt like it was). We had an active social life, I was not isolated...but it was not a substitute for my career. I also I didn't even really realize that was the depth of the conflict...mostly I just felt worn down and sad by the end. What helped? My going back to work. Your wife has some stuff to work out. She's not alone...but it's painful. All I can say is therapy can help. Good luck...she's struggling with feeling overshadowed and it's painful. If you can muster some love and empathy, now is the time to offer it.

OP, I am not sure why this this is tough to swallow. I think PP does a good job of giving you the other side. Your wife may have chosen to stay home but she lost HERSELF. You met in grad school. What did you love about her then, what were her dreams and goals? Is she that person now? Are you? She sounds depressed, longing for more out of life. Help her get it, STEP UP so that she can find HERSELF AGAIN, not your wife or Janes Mom, but the women with the grad degree and awesome brain.

I am glad that you are talking about it. I don’t think this is about divorce. It’s about listening to your partner and stepping up for her, the woman, not the wife/mother. But don’t take this on as a task on your to do list, support your partner and reread what the woman above posted…signed a professional woman with grad degree and career

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OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

Yes, especially with respect to the bolded parts. I get so tired of people telling spouses (usually the wife) “Just delegate more.” But that still means she’s in charge, and the “boss” of all those household/family things.

Being a family is a partnership — husbands and wives typically become a family AT THE SAME TIME, become parents AT THE SAME TIME. They have the same amount of experience, so why is it incumbent on the wife to delegate? A husband should also know what needs to be done without being told.

+1. There are two separate areas here: knowing what needs to be done, and doing it. Knowing what needs to be done when kids are young and constantly changing is very time consuming. Doing is also but knowing is a huge job. From what I have seen many husbands silently offload all research, planning, and decision making to the wife. Tell me how much time you would have for yourself if you were CEO of several other people’s lives.

This dynamic is really hard to change if the wife is voluntarily at home for a long time. I don't think its fair to put all the blame on the husband.

Exactly why she wants to move out.

He sounds half out the door as well. He cites lack of intimacy for years but now efforts to reconnect.

Sounds like she regrets her life choices (even though, at the time they were her choices). Or she is wondering what could have been or could still be.

It must be very unsettling for you, because you cannot relate. But I think you have to be patient. She has the right to figure out the next phase of her life.

Perhaps tell her that you are scared, but hope you two have a future together. Describe the happy memories you hope to make with her (and if they don't include things she would enjoy, or you don't know what she would enjoy, then that says something right there). Good luck to you both.

While DCUM nearly always defaults to the perennial "but do you write thank you notes to your mother's best friend's daughter for the bday gift" i dont think this is a case of unequal division of labor, at least not in the traditional sense, and so all the arguments around gender and household and taking on more of a burden are probably not the issue here, If they were the answer would be for them to hire tons of help (OP indicates he is very successful).

I think the issue is the set of choices and roles you each fell into years ago, choices that put you on a professional path toward success and your wife on the mom track. This is something that seemed to work for each of you, and perhaps she rarely expressed the desire to do things otherwise. But now she is done. She doesn't really feel like she has an identity of her own, outside of wife/mother, and she probably looks at friends who seem to have it all--glamorous career, spouse, kids, etc (we all know not to believe that everyone , or at least every woman, can have it all but doesn't mean we dont want it).

I suspect that she's feeling this way as a kind of identity crisis and its a surprise to OP (and maybe that's an issue with him, or their communication) and the only way she can imagine feeling happy or fulfilled is to radically change her roles--as if pulling back from the household will suddenly open a world of opportunities. Usually there is also an element of fantasy around dating someone else, someone exciting and sexy who sees you for the beautiful sexy woman you are (or want to be!) and not mom, wife, Which is why a lot of people are asking about affair. Doesn't means she is having one or wants one, just that this is exactly the situtation in which someone is vulnerable.

I feel for both of them, no one is 'the bad guy' here, but something alone the way solidified into a pattern where she fills something is missing and what she does have is unfulfilling. And the truth is, I would feel that way too. I love my kids but if my life revolved aroudn them and having a perfect home and dinner on the table, I'd go slowly crazy. I have a job where I do reading, writing, travel, and I have a lot of childfree friends so my social life doesn't revolve around the mom thing, and DH realizes that this is who I am. But if I had married much younger, had not pursued my graduate education and jobs, I might have fallen into this trap too--something that seems great when you start out because having kidsa and running a household to middle class (upper middle class) expectations is endless work. Its also a trap, maybe for the men as much as women, if you choose to have one parent SAH.

OP, your wife doesn't know what she wants, but she is unfulfilled. Maybe she apepars 'selfish' because she's had it "easy," maybe you feel hurt about the things she said, but try to get beyond your feelings. Imagine the roles reversed. You love your kids, but what if you had spent the last 12 years orienting your identity around them and your spouse. not sure what the answer is but she needs therapy for sure.

OP, you sound mostly sweet if self-centered and a bit clueless. Your wife is in crisis. You CANNOT make this about you and talk about how what she said hurt your feelings. Or accuse her of having an affair. She needs you to care about her well-being and make changes that are necessary.

You so not need marriage counseling (yet). She need a great therapist to work through the big feelings of hopelessness she is having and get to the root of what is causing those. You need to step up at home while she sorts through that. And if am he has big dreams coming out of that, find a way to support that.

This totally feels like a marriage that can be saved. But your wife needs some space and help working through what it all means ti her self-worth and identity.

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, we are mid-40s. Wife is quite distant, intimacy has struggled for years. She has finally said it's just that she wants to be alone, she's spent two decades being tethered to the kids, putting her career on hold while mine soared, etc. She's ready to live for her. I asked her is she is leaving me, she said she is considering moving out.

I know the obvious answer is "affair" and of course it could be but it doesn't feel like it.

What's the future? Do I do the 180? Fight for her? It's hard to fight for someone who doesn't really want to be with you.

Thanks, could use some real insight.

Cut her loose and you’ll be much happier. Guarantee her life doesn’t end up the way she thinks it will. She’s gonna be miserable.

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OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

OP's wife DOES NOT WORK by her own choice. Her kids are 11 and 14. That is what a SAHM of school-aged children is: a house manager, chauffer, cook, and camp signer-upper. If she wants to go back to work, that's a different story, but did she say that? Or she just wants no husband, no responsiblities, but also no job?

Signed,

A SAHM of school-aged children

^^^

This is why I think this is a simple fixable mid-life crisis.

She got everything she wanted but is noticing she will be an empty nester soon with what feels like nothing to show for it. She’s missing she has 2 amazing kids that she raised.

She needs to write a new chapter, it doesn’t need to be away from her H. It’s not her H fault and he is not standing in the way.

What sadly might happen is she steps back from the mom role, the H steps up like most CEO moms do, realizes he can do both, like CEO Moms do and then feels worse.

He dates finds a super awesome 2nd wife and is jealous gor the rest of her life because she did all the work snd she gets all the easy years.

I do not think this is true at all. She does not sound like she is thinking about empty nest…and that is a long ways a way.

She is tired of being his wife. That is completely different than what you are describing.

Also, he would not have an easy time finding a second wife. Who wants to date a middle aged man with an ex wife and two kids are marry him? No one. This is not 20-30 years ago.

If my ex got remarried, she can have him.

When you no longer want to be a man’s wife, not much can change it.