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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]30yo doter here.  To answer the PP, he doesn't dote back the way I dote on him, but his version of doting is being affectionate, complimentary, and open.  Which is what I need. He says thank you when I do his laundry with mine, when I go grocery shopping for the weekend, when I make dinner (I'm off Friday's, he's not). It's a nice thank you, albeit quick, but it's usually after I point out what I did (jeez that sounds annoying. Why do I have to point it out?)
Sometimes I think in my head 'I just schleped around all day for us/you, it's kind of a big deal, acknowledge that...'

But then I've spent time reading this thread and realize - no ones making me do these things. No ones even asking me.  So, I think I'm going to scale back. Doting is in my nature so I don't think I could do/ would want to do a 180, but unfortunately I DO need the thank-you's and I DO feel annoyed if I don't get any acknowledgement. I hate admitting that after reading this whole thread. [/quote]

2nd poster here.  Been away for about 30 hours and the thread blew up!

Dote if it makes you feel good to do it, but don't expect anything in return.  Isn't that at the heart of charity?  That is the whole point of this thread.  Do for your husband,yourself or your marriage with no expectation of anything in return.  It is those expectations that we set up for other to please us that are the things that are going to disappoint us most.

I sat with my daughter and the teacher of a class she is having trouble in today.  She gave my daughter good advice.  Don't set your expectation so high.  Do your best and delight when you exceed the expectations.  Forgive yourself if you don't or if you make a mistake. The advice can be applied to marriage.  Forgive yourself, forgive your husband when expectations are dashed, and try not to hold everyone, yourself and your spouse included, to an overly high standard.  Marriage is tough enough without finding reasons to resent your spouse or feel like you have put in more than they.

Maybe instead of saying we stopped caring, we should say we stopped setting unrealistic expectations and stopped trying to meet perceived or real expectations of our spouse.  I don't care if I don't meet expectations and I certainly forgive myself.  Makes everyone a lot happier.

As for the cooking class, the whole thing is a onion.  Lots of layers where the husband was doomed to fail.  Pick from a set of choices none of which made him happy and then be told he had to do the work to set up the activity he wasn't interested in.  Lady, you set him up.  How about next time you ask if he wants to go to a redskins (or other sporting event), you go find the date and buy the tickets?   Maybe instead of trying to reconnect with him by pulling him into your world, you reach out and step into his.   If nothing else, plan something that you did together when you were dating.  First step back into my own marriage a decade ago, I planned a camping trip.  I HATE camping, but DH needed to feel like I cared about him.  I planned it and became an annual event for our family for years.  The next year, DH did all the planning because he remembered how much he enjoyed it.  I suck it up and camp, and sometimes,  I don't even go now.  Kids do.

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