Reply to Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me.  She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage.  I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on.  I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.[/quote]

In my case, I don't think they ever crossed a line. Weren't physical, didn't talk about feelings, etc. But I could tell, could feel, he had feelings for her. I knew he felt they had a strong connection and he began to see all my flaws. It was a really hard thing to experience. We were having hard times but I thought he was strong enough to face them with me and work through it, not fall for some random coworker who was going through the worst time in your life and was a mess.
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What happened?  How did you know he had feelings for the co-worker?  Did he tell you?  Did you work through things?[/quote]

I don't know what happened. What I believe happened is that he got way to close to a female coworker while they were both going through a rough time. I won't take responsibility, because I wasn't getting any support or validation from him and I chose to handle things differently (escaped into family and female friends). I don't know what will happen. We had problems before this and it complicated things more. He has stopped contact with her but she was a symptom not a cause of larger issues. He escapes into things when things go wrong. Workaholic, going out with friends, throwing himself into hobbies to excess, her, whatever. He is an avoider. I am too but over time I have developed what it takes to deal with things, and not sure he is there yet.

If I could go back I would do things differently. I'm not sure I would have gotten married and had kids. It's all really hard and it's a bad year. I'm trying really hard because I know you are responsible for your own happiness, but it's hard sometimes. Okay, pity  party over. Back to real life. I refuse to think I'll be stuck here forever. No matter what happens, whether we stay married or divorce, I am determined to learn from all this and be a better person. Sorry for the tangent.[/quote]

How did you find out?  Did DH tell you everything?[/quote]

I think I know everything though I'll never be sure. I feel I know the big stuff. It was happening during a really bad time for us. I knew they had always been friends but he became more distant and looking back of course I should have known but I like said we were not connecting and communicating well and I was checked out too (though not with another man). There was no big reveal, it came out once we started therapy to address our crumbling marriage.

Anyway, I wrote the above today during a really bad time. I'm feeling better now. We have our good days and bad days but overall we are doing much better. The emotional affair is not as much of an issue anymore. It comes up less and less and they have not been in communication for about a year now. We had/have larger issues to deal with. We are doing better now. We separated for about 6 months (again not because of the EA though that didn't help things) and are back living together now, and doing better though we still have work to do. [/quote]

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