Anonymous
Post 07/29/2012 22:12     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.


In my case, I don't think they ever crossed a line. Weren't physical, didn't talk about feelings, etc. But I could tell, could feel, he had feelings for her. I knew he felt they had a strong connection and he began to see all my flaws. It was a really hard thing to experience. We were having hard times but I thought he was strong enough to face them with me and work through it, not fall for some random coworker who was going through the worst time in your life and was a mess.

So what was the resolution/outcome?
Anonymous
Post 07/29/2012 12:51     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
Anonymous wrote:The number #1 most effective way to end an affair, that you know is happening, is to contact the other betrayed spouse. If you can call them at work or email them, start with that. Share the emails and phone records or skype conversations that you know about. They will want the proof, and deserve to have it. If both betrayed spouses are aware of it, the affair will end. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and once they are "outed" then you will have a chance to figure out what you want to do. Marriage counseling will not be effective if the affair is ongoing. The definition of "ongoing" is any contact at all between the two people. Stay your ground, contact the other spouse, insist on "no contact" between the people in an affair, and go to counseling if you can. The counseling may help you prepare for a better marriage, or it may help you see other options. Your choice.

Do not bother to contact the affair lover. They will deny and will simply call you "crazy." You are not crazy.

Do not try to unilaterally improve everything at home. All of the dishes you wash, chores you complete, sex, etc. will not end the affair. It is not about you.

An emotional affair is an affair. The trust is broken.


I can think of a few problems with this approach and it ultimately does not improve trust between you and your spouse:

1) The spouse thinks you are crazy and doesn't believe you.

2) Say you are successful and you ruin the other person's marriage. Aren't you making the other person more available for your spouse by making her/him single?

3) Say you get what you want and you break up the affair. Who's to say your cheating spouse won't just find someone else since he/she was out there looking in the first place? The other person is just a symptom of what is wrong in your marriage, not the problem.

I think you should only deal with your spouse because all odds are off when you get in the middle of the other couple's marriage. You come off as seeming vindictive and a looney toon. You can, however, insist on your spouse ending contact with the other person and work on your relationship. Focus on your marriage not the other person's would be the best approach at ending the affair and ending the possibility of future affairs.

Just my two cents.
Anonymous
Post 07/29/2012 11:01     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
The number #1 most effective way to end an affair, that you know is happening, is to contact the other betrayed spouse. If you can call them at work or email them, start with that. Share the emails and phone records or skype conversations that you know about. They will want the proof, and deserve to have it. If both betrayed spouses are aware of it, the affair will end. Affairs thrive on secrecy, and once they are "outed" then you will have a chance to figure out what you want to do. Marriage counseling will not be effective if the affair is ongoing. The definition of "ongoing" is any contact at all between the two people. Stay your ground, contact the other spouse, insist on "no contact" between the people in an affair, and go to counseling if you can. The counseling may help you prepare for a better marriage, or it may help you see other options. Your choice.

Do not bother to contact the affair lover. They will deny and will simply call you "crazy." You are not crazy.

Do not try to unilaterally improve everything at home. All of the dishes you wash, chores you complete, sex, etc. will not end the affair. It is not about you.

An emotional affair is an affair. The trust is broken.
Anonymous
Post 07/29/2012 08:17     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
Anonymous wrote:My DH has been acting weird lately and I've been wondering if he is having an emotional affair. I don't think he is having a physical affair because frankly I don't know when he would have the time.

Can anyone else share how they found out? Don't know what to do.


Signs of an EA may be the same as a physical affair (in terms of secrecy, distance, etc.). You should have a heart to heart with him about your marriage. Don't mention an affair. Just talk about you guys. Don't accuse, but express how you feel unconnected, etc.
Anonymous
Post 07/29/2012 02:41     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
Anonymous wrote:My DH has been acting weird lately and I've been wondering if he is having an emotional affair. I don't think he is having a physical affair because frankly I don't know when he would have the time.

Can anyone else share how they found out? Don't know what to do.


I found out when dh said he was going out with co-workers. The night before his outing, I was sitting next to him when he was checking his email and saw that the email was from a woman whom he'd never mentioned before. After he left went to bed, I checked his email and found out they had been emailing for almost 3 months at that point. After that, I also checked his skype and there was a long video skype with her, too.

Prior to this, I never considered checking his email, skype, phone calls, etc.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2012 22:51     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
My DH has been acting weird lately and I've been wondering if he is having an emotional affair. I don't think he is having a physical affair because frankly I don't know when he would have the time.

Can anyone else share how they found out? Don't know what to do.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2012 21:52     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.


In my case, I don't think they ever crossed a line. Weren't physical, didn't talk about feelings, etc. But I could tell, could feel, he had feelings for her. I knew he felt they had a strong connection and he began to see all my flaws. It was a really hard thing to experience. We were having hard times but I thought he was strong enough to face them with me and work through it, not fall for some random coworker who was going through the worst time in your life and was a mess.


What happened? How did you know he had feelings for the co-worker? Did he tell you? Did you work through things?


I don't know what happened. What I believe happened is that he got way to close to a female coworker while they were both going through a rough time. I won't take responsibility, because I wasn't getting any support or validation from him and I chose to handle things differently (escaped into family and female friends). I don't know what will happen. We had problems before this and it complicated things more. He has stopped contact with her but she was a symptom not a cause of larger issues. He escapes into things when things go wrong. Workaholic, going out with friends, throwing himself into hobbies to excess, her, whatever. He is an avoider. I am too but over time I have developed what it takes to deal with things, and not sure he is there yet.

If I could go back I would do things differently. I'm not sure I would have gotten married and had kids. It's all really hard and it's a bad year. I'm trying really hard because I know you are responsible for your own happiness, but it's hard sometimes. Okay, pity party over. Back to real life. I refuse to think I'll be stuck here forever. No matter what happens, whether we stay married or divorce, I am determined to learn from all this and be a better person. Sorry for the tangent.


How did you find out? Did DH tell you everything?


I think I know everything though I'll never be sure. I feel I know the big stuff. It was happening during a really bad time for us. I knew they had always been friends but he became more distant and looking back of course I should have known but I like said we were not connecting and communicating well and I was checked out too (though not with another man). There was no big reveal, it came out once we started therapy to address our crumbling marriage.

Anyway, I wrote the above today during a really bad time. I'm feeling better now. We have our good days and bad days but overall we are doing much better. The emotional affair is not as much of an issue anymore. It comes up less and less and they have not been in communication for about a year now. We had/have larger issues to deal with. We are doing better now. We separated for about 6 months (again not because of the EA though that didn't help things) and are back living together now, and doing better though we still have work to do.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2012 20:49     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.


In my case, I don't think they ever crossed a line. Weren't physical, didn't talk about feelings, etc. But I could tell, could feel, he had feelings for her. I knew he felt they had a strong connection and he began to see all my flaws. It was a really hard thing to experience. We were having hard times but I thought he was strong enough to face them with me and work through it, not fall for some random coworker who was going through the worst time in your life and was a mess.


What happened? How did you know he had feelings for the co-worker? Did he tell you? Did you work through things?


I don't know what happened. What I believe happened is that he got way to close to a female coworker while they were both going through a rough time. I won't take responsibility, because I wasn't getting any support or validation from him and I chose to handle things differently (escaped into family and female friends). I don't know what will happen. We had problems before this and it complicated things more. He has stopped contact with her but she was a symptom not a cause of larger issues. He escapes into things when things go wrong. Workaholic, going out with friends, throwing himself into hobbies to excess, her, whatever. He is an avoider. I am too but over time I have developed what it takes to deal with things, and not sure he is there yet.

If I could go back I would do things differently. I'm not sure I would have gotten married and had kids. It's all really hard and it's a bad year. I'm trying really hard because I know you are responsible for your own happiness, but it's hard sometimes. Okay, pity party over. Back to real life. I refuse to think I'll be stuck here forever. No matter what happens, whether we stay married or divorce, I am determined to learn from all this and be a better person. Sorry for the tangent.


How did you find out? Did DH tell you everything?
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2012 16:45     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.


In my case, I don't think they ever crossed a line. Weren't physical, didn't talk about feelings, etc. But I could tell, could feel, he had feelings for her. I knew he felt they had a strong connection and he began to see all my flaws. It was a really hard thing to experience. We were having hard times but I thought he was strong enough to face them with me and work through it, not fall for some random coworker who was going through the worst time in your life and was a mess.


What happened? How did you know he had feelings for the co-worker? Did he tell you? Did you work through things?


I don't know what happened. What I believe happened is that he got way to close to a female coworker while they were both going through a rough time. I won't take responsibility, because I wasn't getting any support or validation from him and I chose to handle things differently (escaped into family and female friends). I don't know what will happen. We had problems before this and it complicated things more. He has stopped contact with her but she was a symptom not a cause of larger issues. He escapes into things when things go wrong. Workaholic, going out with friends, throwing himself into hobbies to excess, her, whatever. He is an avoider. I am too but over time I have developed what it takes to deal with things, and not sure he is there yet.

If I could go back I would do things differently. I'm not sure I would have gotten married and had kids. It's all really hard and it's a bad year. I'm trying really hard because I know you are responsible for your own happiness, but it's hard sometimes. Okay, pity party over. Back to real life. I refuse to think I'll be stuck here forever. No matter what happens, whether we stay married or divorce, I am determined to learn from all this and be a better person. Sorry for the tangent.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2012 10:22     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
No experience with this subject but I do think for the spouse who thinks she/he is being cheated on it raises some serious trust issues in the marriage.

Been married 25 years, so this would be my advice:

Do what ever you need to do to help you through it and give yourself closure. If that means getting details from the other woman/man, then contact that person. Sometimes the unknown is more damaging than the reality. If you think contacting the other person would cause you more heartache, then don't.

The big picture is that the other person isn't your problem. The problem is can you trust your spouse to be fully committed to you and your marriage?

I would probably seek professional help first to see if the marriage could be saved. Ultimately, however, I would need to divorce my DH if I felt I couldn't trust him or he wasn't fully committed to me. With out forgiveness for the indiscretion and ultimately a re-establishment of trust, ill feelings and resentment would just build up and we both would be miserable in the long run.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2012 09:01     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.


In my case, I don't think they ever crossed a line. Weren't physical, didn't talk about feelings, etc. But I could tell, could feel, he had feelings for her. I knew he felt they had a strong connection and he began to see all my flaws. It was a really hard thing to experience. We were having hard times but I thought he was strong enough to face them with me and work through it, not fall for some random coworker who was going through the worst time in your life and was a mess.


What happened? How did you know he had feelings for the co-worker? Did he tell you? Did you work through things?
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2012 08:45     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.


But did you have conversation with sexual content with this man?


He told some dirty jokes but nothing personal. Other people were there in the conversation so I didn't feel anything was specifically directed at me. I don't know if anything was going in the guy's head. He treated me like I was a dude sitting at the table. If he had feelings for me, he never hinted or told me.

Regardless of what was going on with her husband, if the DW knew me she would know I wasn't the type of person to go after a married man, particularly a married man with children. My dad ran off with with another woman when I was young and know the hell that puts a spouse and the children through.

Like I said, I didn't know her husband that well. Maybe he was having an affair. It just wasn't with me.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2012 08:13     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
Anonymous wrote:If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.


In my case, I don't think they ever crossed a line. Weren't physical, didn't talk about feelings, etc. But I could tell, could feel, he had feelings for her. I knew he felt they had a strong connection and he began to see all my flaws. It was a really hard thing to experience. We were having hard times but I thought he was strong enough to face them with me and work through it, not fall for some random coworker who was going through the worst time in your life and was a mess.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2012 02:17     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
Anonymous wrote:If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.


But did you have conversation with sexual content with this man?
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2012 19:06     Subject: Re:Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?
If you contact the other woman you may find out there is nothing wrong going on.

A DW once contacted me. She had rushed to too many conclusions and obviously had some insecurities about her marriage. I told her there was no way her husband was interested in me other than working with me on a professional level and that nothing, absolutely nothing, inappropriate was going on. I also told her if she did not want me having lunch with him (even though there were other co-workers around) I would respect her wishes.