Reply to Why do some men check out of their kids' lives after divorce?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Moms -- just wait until the checked out dads check back in when the kids are older so don't need the type of care as when they were little. 
Dad sails in and all is forgiven or at the very least there is such a biological imperative that the kids yearning causes them to be ecstatic he's around.

It's tough and hurtful but you know it's in the kids best interest so you suck it up but it sucks. You did all the hard work but he's on equal footing. [/quote]

I believe it because men who don't get divorced are like this. During the baby/toddler/early childhood years when the kids are WORK, they are so often trying to et out of doing that work, trying to explain the work isn't necessary, or complaining about the work. Meanwhile, their wives are doing all of it. And then when those kids become fun, capable older children with social-emotional skills who can dress themselves, use the bathroom on their own, clean themselves, keep themselves entertained for long stretches, etc., the dads suddenly talk about how great their kids are and how much they enjoy being around them and doing things with them. And often this process happens without the fathers ever understanding, and certainly not acknowledging, that the only reason it happened is because their wives (as well as childcare workers, teachers, sometimes other family members) put in the hard work during those critical early years to get the kids to that point.

My favorite is when these men will point to some of their kids' best qualities and brag on how "he gets that from me" or whatever. Sir, I knew that kid when he was 4 years old and you were too busy to drop him off or pick him up for school, spent playground visits staring at your phone, and let your wife dress him, potty train him, take him to the doctor, sign him up for sports and activities, etc. You shouldn't be patting yourself on the back, you should be thanking your lucky stars.

But yes, a huge part of what women do for children is facilitate their relationships with their fathers, which wind up being the most critical in their self-esteem and sense of self-confidence, specifically because those same dads are so much more checked out and hands off through their early childhood. Distant dads become the authority on a child's self-worth because they are distant, and moms have to bridge the gap for their kids, even as it means allowing their own work and contribution to be swept aside.

I honestly don't know how divorced women do it. I see this dynamic in pretty much every happily married couple I know, I can't imagine trying to translate that to a split. The only thing I can think is that for some men, joint custody and having to parent solo forces them to finally step up. But what if he doesn't?[/quote]

Sounds like you picked the wrong father for your kids.  My husband is extremely involved and does everything for our kids.  Or, maybe you are the problem that you don't let him do things and have to control it all.  If I died today I wouldn't worry if mine would be well cared for.  [/quote]

I would absolutely worry. Glad you found such an involved dad, but most women don't learn how involved a man is going to be until the kids arrive, and the vast majority of men are not "extremely involved" especially not with very young kids. So unless you are ready to argue that almost everyone "picked the wrong father", then this is a social problem that cannot be solved by each woman just making better mate choices. There are quite simply not enough men like what you are describing out there to go around. The birth rate would totally plummet.[/quote]

This is actually the norm. I worked with families, and by far the women did the majority of the home and child rearing. Even with full time jobs.  Not to say all men are this way, but yes the majority. A big cause of divorce initiated by women fyi. I remember one lady who divorced her husband because he refused to do anything child care related. He ended up finding another woman who simply took over when the kids were at his house. Sad all the way around, and yes those kids had problems. [/quote]

You sound extremely bias.  I'm not sure what work with families means but that is not how much families work.  I'm assuming you are a nanny and pick bad families.  Majority of Dad I know are heavily involved.[/quote]

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