Reply to How to not feel bad about DH seeing porn

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Spin off from the “does your DH watch porn” thread. Long story short, my DH lied very well and hid it for many years. I’m considering staying with him for the kids but I don’t think I can. First the lying and betrayal obviously (I have much higher drive and he rejected me almost daily, would only do it with me once a month when I practically begged him) but the bigger issue is that I’m so jealous of what he’s seen and I can’t get over it. How can he not compare me with those hot girls he was watching. And he was watching some things that I will not do (face and in the butt). Even if I believe that he won’t look at it anymore (long story but he realizes that it has changed him in bad ways), he still can’t get those images out of his head.

How do other women deal with the jealousy? It makes me sick. He can see all the hot women and new variety he wants and I can’t compete with that. And now he has things in his mind that will aways be there. It’s been months and I just can’t get over it.[/quote]

Your jealousy is perfectly logical, especially if you already feel you aren’t getting the attention you need, but remember all men can and do see beautiful women all around them, on tv, on the street, at the gym, and in advertisements. (except Target... WTH Target?)

The bigger issue here isn’t that he has seen hot women doing things you won’t. (very likely with guys your husband wouldn’t welcome a head to head comparison with)

The issue is that he isn’t meeting your needs and is perhaps blaming porn for this.  Porn can absolutely skew a person’s perception of sex, normalizing the rare or abnormal, but the overwhelming majority of men have viewed at least some porn and still maintain a strong libido in their real world relationship and don’t mistake porn for real life.

You clearly have a serious issue in your marriage that has left you feeling unvalued or desired.  I would caution you against concluding that porn is the root cause unless his consumption of it appears addictive.

Not all men have the stereotypical high sex drive (as many women here can attest) and in at least some cases men are attracted to porn because they themselves feel inadequate or insecure in real life intimacy. (Porn can allow them to fantasize about being the man in the video, not because of the woman or what she is doing, but because they wish they were more like the man.)

What has he said when you have expressed your concerns about intimacy to you? What does he think of your sex life?

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