Reply to Am I Wrong? Husband Wants DD to Clean Up After Him

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If everyone is cleaning up after themselves you wouldn’t need anyone to do the dishes everyone would do their own dishes. Make that the rule.[/quote]

I was the first person to respond.  Everyone cleans up after themselves in my house, but there are still pots, serving dishes, etc.  someone has to wash those, unload the dishwasher, etc.  again, I'm fine with that, but your husband sounds lazy/depressed/adhd.  Whenever I point out my dh's deficiencies around stuff like this, he lashes out.[/quote]

This is OP. He has ADHD and is depressed and is medicated for both. But the messiness/disorganization still persists. [/quote]

As someone who has ADHD and went through a period of severe depression after being laid off a job, medication is not going to fix his weaknesses in relation to chores.

Right now, he’s got major challenges with executive functioning and task execution because of the double whammy of ADHD and depression. Yelling at him isn’t going to help either. I know it’s hard, but please be as patient and compassionate with him as you can be.

I don’t know your husband‘s other history, but people with ADHD often have a history of being told that they are stupid and lazy and there’s a lot of trauma around that kind of labeling.Think of it as someone being neurodivergent and unable to process the many micro decisions required to stay on top of household chores.

What he needs is help. Ask him to work with an EF coach that has experience with adult ADHD. I know it sounds ridiculous, but what seems very easy to someone who doesn’t have ADHD and depression can seem like climbing Mount Everest for someone who does. Your husband may need someone to literally coach him on how to handle daily chores.

However, his disability does not mean that your daughter should be taking care of things for him. As others have said, she should be participating in household chores, but should not be responsible for cleaning up the messes that he makes.

If it helps at all, I found it easier to deal with chores once I got another job and my depression lifted. Hope that’s true for your husband, too.[/quote]

This is OP. This is very helpful - thank you. And you are right - he did not get diagnosed with ADHD until after college but had been criticized by his parents for being lazy and is very sensitive about it. When he was finally treated, he went from getting Cs in grad school to straight A’s and this is was in an already highly challenging filed of study. My DD also has ADHD (also medicated) and exhibits many of his same symptoms, so I am especially not trying to make her life even more difficult and overwhelming by adding his responsibilities to her plate. [/quote]

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