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[quote=Anonymous]There is a knack to successful collaboration in any part of life. Courtesy and respect matter. People want to feel good about themselves.

In breaking down tasks, you ask: 
what the other person thinks is most important, 
which of the tasks do they like doing (or dislike least), 
which do they think they're pretty good at, and 
which would they like to learn or improve.

People must always feel they have choices. If they feel they choose something, no matter how crappy the choices, they're more willing and committed to doing it.

Think about how you deal with toddlers, when they feel a need to say no to putting on their shoes. If you want to get anywhere, you don't argue that they have to put on their shoes. You deflect and you ask a whole different question, would they rather wear their blue shoes or their red shoes, and next thing you know, they're putting on their red shoes and the "NO" is forgotten. They just wanted a choice. Humans 101. And you have to compromise--maybe you really wanted them to wear the blue shoes, but their choice was red. What matters is that shoes are on and you're out the door.

I also think that stepping back and not being overly invested in what others do (detachment) allows others to own their actions. It actually gives them a sense of freedom, so that even though they're chained down as much as you are, doing tedious tasks, they're doing them on their own terms, without a mommy or boss figure glaring at them.

We're also talking about maturity (and sometimes entitlement) here, too. You know you're maturing when you find yourself automatically doing things that need to be done. A lot of men, more than women, are behind in the maturity department when entering marriage and childrearing. Many had parents who did too much for them. I think about that as I raise my kids, the oldest of which is grown--it takes years of reminding them before they start automatically noticing and doing chores and basic self-care tasks, doesn't it? It's partly maturity and partly training. When you get a man who didn't get much training in basics, he may have been okay until the kids come along and suddenly it's obvious he's got no clue.

I won't go into my own trials with a man-baby who eventually woke up and realized it was time to grow up. But he did, and it's like night and day. It never happened until I detached, though.

Eventually I had to give up banging my head against a wall. This thread is about what to do when you hit that wall, where it's a question of divorce and all its negatives, versus keeping the family together using a technique of detachment and carrying on with life, in a positive way. [/quote]

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