Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read a bunch of these stopped caring saved my marriage threads. If stopping caring makes you happy all power to you. But I guess I have a different definition of what a relationship is all about.

Good for you, but a relationship is defined by the people in it. If they are happy who are you to judge (and you are judging).

PP here - I'm not judging. I said if stopping caring makes you happy all power to you. I simply have a different definition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup, I'm learning this too. I take the kids on vacation, go on girls trips and rarely call him. It really seems to help.

Yes to all this, plus extramarital sex. Unlike most men, my husband doesn't like frequent sex or much variety, so having someone else to explore that side with took a lot of pressure off of him.

OK, we're not biting on this. We're not going to accept "have an affair" as good advice to preserve a marriage and keep it healthy. Do you what you want, but you don't get to act like cheating on your spouse is something a good wife and mother does.

Anonymous wrote:I and 30 and in a new relationship. I got my popcorn and settled into this thread. It's very interesting to me even though I have zero marriage experience.
I'm a doter. I dote. Is there any advice here, that can be applied to NEW relationships?

If you like doting and want to dote, dote away. But don't be resentful about it later if he doesn't dote back. Don't be resentful later if he gets used to this dynamic, and doesn't overtly appreciate every little thing you do. Recognize that you can stop. Don't expect to be recognized and lauded and have this sort of extra attention reciprocated as your due.

Anonymous wrote:Who cares that he didn't book anything for three months.

This goes back to the original premise of this thread. Why is she "assigning" him this task. If this is something that's important to her, she should just book it for them.

Asking him to make something that's a priority for you a priority for him doesn't work. People don't work that way.

My DH has never booked a trip or made social plans for us. it's not important to him, but it is important to me. For a while I tried to force him to do it, it just made us both miserable.

Now if I want to do something i just book it. He will go and enjoy himself, but he's not a planner. It's not his thing. He has other things that he takes care of that are a priority for him, and I appreciate that.

1000x this. My DH is a great husband and dad - if anything he has probably used some of the techniques here because he is the one that cleans up dishes right away, cooks etc. That said, I would have booked the cooking class in the example above because it would be more important to me that it be done. I also would go into it thinking it gives us something to talk about and hopefully a nice meal to try to make at home. Not necessarily that this would be our thing.

BTW, when I was casually floating the idea with my male co-workers at lunch that DH and I will need a couples hobby for when the kids out the house they made faces like WTF - why would you want to do that. It was funny to me because from atleast the outside looking in they are 50/50 partners in household work and with the kids, the wives have high paying careers, they take vacations or days off to spend with the wife, and have been married a long time ....but coming up with a joint hobby was clearly crazy talk. My point being if I make it the test of my marriage, my DH's willingness to both agree to and plan for us to participate in some joint hobby, I would focusing on the trees and not seeing the forest ...and adding unnecessary drama.

Anonymous wrote:I and 30 and in a new relationship. I got my popcorn and settled into this thread. It's very interesting to me even though I have zero marriage experience.
I'm a doter. I dote. Is there any advice here, that can be applied to NEW relationships?

Does he dote back?

Anonymous wrote:Yup, I'm learning this too. I take the kids on vacation, go on girls trips and rarely call him. It really seems to help.

Yes to all this, plus extramarital sex. Unlike most men, my husband doesn't like frequent sex or much variety, so having someone else to explore that side with took a lot of pressure off of him.

Anonymous wrote:To the pps who decided to not give a damn anymore -- did your dhs know that you flipped the switch? Or did they just go one being oblivious and thoughtless while you felt a lot better? Or did you say -- F it, you do you?

Mine went on being oblivious, but yes, I did feel a whole lot better.

There is a knack to successful collaboration in any part of life. Courtesy and respect matter. People want to feel good about themselves.

In breaking down tasks, you ask:
what the other person thinks is most important,
which of the tasks do they like doing (or dislike least),
which do they think they're pretty good at, and
which would they like to learn or improve.

People must always feel they have choices. If they feel they choose something, no matter how crappy the choices, they're more willing and committed to doing it.

Think about how you deal with toddlers, when they feel a need to say no to putting on their shoes. If you want to get anywhere, you don't argue that they have to put on their shoes. You deflect and you ask a whole different question, would they rather wear their blue shoes or their red shoes, and next thing you know, they're putting on their red shoes and the "NO" is forgotten. They just wanted a choice. Humans 101. And you have to compromise--maybe you really wanted them to wear the blue shoes, but their choice was red. What matters is that shoes are on and you're out the door.

I also think that stepping back and not being overly invested in what others do (detachment) allows others to own their actions. It actually gives them a sense of freedom, so that even though they're chained down as much as you are, doing tedious tasks, they're doing them on their own terms, without a mommy or boss figure glaring at them.

We're also talking about maturity (and sometimes entitlement) here, too. You know you're maturing when you find yourself automatically doing things that need to be done. A lot of men, more than women, are behind in the maturity department when entering marriage and childrearing. Many had parents who did too much for them. I think about that as I raise my kids, the oldest of which is grown--it takes years of reminding them before they start automatically noticing and doing chores and basic self-care tasks, doesn't it? It's partly maturity and partly training. When you get a man who didn't get much training in basics, he may have been okay until the kids come along and suddenly it's obvious he's got no clue.

I won't go into my own trials with a man-baby who eventually woke up and realized it was time to grow up. But he did, and it's like night and day. It never happened until I detached, though.

Eventually I had to give up banging my head against a wall. This thread is about what to do when you hit that wall, where it's a question of divorce and all its negatives, versus keeping the family together using a technique of detachment and carrying on with life, in a positive way.

I and 30 and in a new relationship. I got my popcorn and settled into this thread. It's very interesting to me even though I have zero marriage experience.
I'm a doter. I dote. Is there any advice here, that can be applied to NEW relationships?

Anonymous wrote:John Gottman says that 75% of what you fight about on day 1 of your marriage, you will be fighting about in year 20. Meaning, the conflicts don't change much. He says the best thing you can do is negotiate something that works for both of you. For many on this thread, that involves the Buddhist idea of detaching from expectations (yours and society's). For others, that might not work. But whatever you are doing now isn't working, so why not try something different?

John Gottman also says you need a ratio of 5:1, good to bad interaction to have a healthy marriage. One way to do that is to see the good in your spouse like thanking them for taking out the trash (even if you had to nag to get him to do it). I found the more I notice and thank him for what he does, the more he notices and thanks me for what I do.

I hate ALL of those 'marriage experts' & I'm going to smack the next person who starts in on 'love languages' ....

I'm glad they enjoy being rich and selling books but I'm sick of it.

But yes, common sense says that if you want someone to be near you don't criticize them and treat them like trash.
No love circles need be drawn..

Anonymous wrote:Are you happy as a person who do you feel like something is missing? I mean, are you longing for the connection you no longer have with your spouse? Do you think this mindset would make you more susceptible to cheating?

Not the OP, but I feel like spouse and I are both like this now. It doesn't make me happy, but it is what it is. I do think a connection is missing. Feels more like we are co-parents/roommates, sometimes not even friends.

For the PP who still hasn't taken the cooking class with her DH...

What ultimately do you want? My understanding is you wanted time to reconnect with him. That's the bottom line. He's agreed to do something he is meh about to spend time with you. Why set him up for failure to also demand that signing up was a test about how much he cares?

He might not feel that disconnected from you. So taking this class is something he is willing to do for you. Just sign up for the stupid class and keep your ultimate goal in mind--time together.

John Gottman says that 75% of what you fight about on day 1 of your marriage, you will be fighting about in year 20. Meaning, the conflicts don't change much. He says the best thing you can do is negotiate something that works for both of you. For many on this thread, that involves the Buddhist idea of detaching from expectations (yours and society's). For others, that might not work. But whatever you are doing now isn't working, so why not try something different?

John Gottman also says you need a ratio of 5:1, good to bad interaction to have a healthy marriage. One way to do that is to see the good in your spouse like thanking them for taking out the trash (even if you had to nag to get him to do it). I found the more I notice and thank him for what he does, the more he notices and thanks me for what I do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've read a bunch of these stopped caring saved my marriage threads. If stopping caring makes you happy all power to you. But I guess I have a different definition of what a relationship is all about.

Just another person deluding themselves that relationship are like they are in the movies...

Again, another person not hearing what is being said!! We didn't stop caring about the person. There's just so much projection going on here!

Anonymous wrote:I've read a bunch of these stopped caring saved my marriage threads. If stopping caring makes you happy all power to you. But I guess I have a different definition of what a relationship is all about.

Just another person deluding themselves that relationship are like they are in the movies...