Reply to Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm one of the pps you thanked for being kind. So sorry this thread has gone off the rails, but that happens on this board some times. Take it with a grain of salt.

Sounds like you've taken some really positive steps for yourself. Way to go! You can do this.

And, easy on the Advil. My neuro told me that if you take it for more than two days in a row, it can trigger withdrawal headache. Keep your Tylenol/Advil plan quite short.

Best of luck.[/quote]

Op is deluding herself that her husband is remorseful and scared about this.  Being supportive of her denial is not a kindness.  Being supportive of her going to therapy to gain strength and understanding of the situation is helpful.  Telling her to work on her marriage to psychopath is akin to blaming the victim here - not cool.

This is not Op's fault.  Her husband and his friends have quite literally been snubbing her for years.  There is a level of contempt and cruelty here that is NOT normal.  Her husband will continue to treat her like crap and undermine her sense of self worth in order to keep her under control.  [/quote]

+1 well said[/quote]

Very.[/quote]

"Kind" poster here. I realize you feel that your "calling it like you see it"/tough love approach will ultimately be helpful. Unfortunately, calling the OP delusional and telling her she's wrong to want to work on her marriage - whatever you might judge of it or her circumstances from what you know from an anonymous internet post - is profoundly damaging. The OP needs to come to her own conclusions about her husband, her kids, her needs, and her marriage IN HER OWN TIME.

Second, if you read all of my comments, you will see that I specifically stated that (in a post you didn't quote), that r[b]ecovery from this sort of behavior[/b] requires 200% commitment on the part of her DH and that it was not a good sign that her DH was not showing that effort yet. But, I still trust the OP to decide for herself what all of this means. Further, it's ok that she does not decide today to respond in a certain way or to take drastic action, like divorce. Her feelings and circumstances may change over time and with the help of a therapist, which I strongly encouraged her to see ASAP (on an emergency basis, if necessary - another post you failed to quote), she can determine what she wants to do. Thankfully, she's taking that advice.

Look, it's one thing to affirm what OP clearly already knows, which is that her husband has not treated her in a loving or respectful manner. It's also perfectly ok to encourage OP to get professional support as she works out what that fact means for her and what decisions she'd like to take in response. I'd even say it would be helpful for OP to hear from BTDT posters who have faced similar challenges and how they handled it. But, that's really where it needs to stop. OP needs to process. She needs space to breathe and reflect and decide for herself the best course of action. One step at a time. [/quote]

The problem is you have the wrong problem.  This isn't about his "behavior" (his badmouthing.)  It's because he actually doesn't like being married, and doesn't love his wife.  [/quote]

You are in no position to conclude that. And even if you think it's logically deducible, how does it help OP to be forced to confront your anonymous internet judgement about her marriage?

Seriously. How does this help??? You think OP is going to slap herself on her forehead and say, "OMG! This person on the internet thinks my husband doesn't love me. They must be right and I'm exactly the delusional f-up he's been saying I am - because they are saying it too. But now I will leave him, destroy my kids lives and my own because the Internet says I should."

Do you ever consider how it might feel to be on the receiving end of this advice?[/quote]

Ummm ... I'm not OP's therapist. But I have encountered a guy who did something similar, and he was not a good guy.  Neither scenario is looking good here -- either OP has literally been lying to his friends for 5 years to gain points by insulting his wife; or OP really means it, and is unhappy.  Honestly, the latter would be less disordered and disturbing than the former.  I think OP needs to realize her situation.  There are no BTDT situation with people who have "faced similar challenges" because this is a really bizarre situation.  It's MUCH better for OP to realize that then treat this like a garden variety rough patch in her marriage.  [/quote]

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