Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW: did your coworkers not catch on?

Since all this has come out I've been so careful and more guarded about interactions, and I've notice who is close to who and so on. And I'm embarrassed around his coworkers because I wonder if they picked up on it.Just wondering if you think your transfer had anything to do it?

Transfer was completely unrelated.

Im not sure if anyone noticed. Maybe, but I bet nothing definite.

As far as how we talked about our spouses: yes, there was a level of complaints but Nothing like "he/she is terrible". There was no name calling etc. We were all friends so I liked her, he got along with DH and we both new some of the limitationS of each others' spouses. But it was never nasty just things like "I wish DH would talk to me" "I wish DW could relax and have fun" etc.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not you.

Anonymous wrote:"But how can you insert yourself into another marriage, particularly when they have kids - how do you not think to yourself about how drastically you are directly affecting the immediate and cuter lives of children after the spouse of your "I need some cheap emotional or sexual thrills" partner finds out? How do you not think about that every day and just be absolutely crushed with guilt? "

There's no way I can explain it to you that will make sense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who was in a crappy marriage and was actively trying to work on it while my husband checked out and cheated. I had mentioned that I don't understand how someone would decide that having an affair is a better choice than just separating. Sure it may seem easier, but it is astounding to me that someone could rationalize that behavior.

But there is a special level of wrong when you choose an affair partner who is also married. Sure, f up your own life and find that emotional or sexual connection you need with some random single. It is impossible for me to understand how you could be so lacking in morality, self-esteem, and self-control that you could get involved with another married person, and even less so when that person has children of their own.

Really? You don't see it's much safer to have an affair partner who's also married? They also have a lot to lose and they won't want to marry you.

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who was in a crappy marriage and was actively trying to work on it while my husband checked out and cheated. I had mentioned that I don't understand how someone would decide that having an affair is a better choice than just separating. Sure it may seem easier, but it is astounding to me that someone could rationalize that behavior.

But there is a special level of wrong when you choose an affair partner who is also married. Sure, f up your own life and find that emotional or sexual connection you need with some random single. It is impossible for me to understand how you could be so lacking in morality, self-esteem, and self-control that you could get involved with another married person, and even less so when that person has children of their own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not complicated. Affairs are WRONG. You can say whatever you want to justify it, you might feel better when you do, but at the end of the day, it's still wrong.

actually, it is complicated. Affairs are wrong, but so is withholding sex and affection from you spouse, so is years of verbal abuse, berating, and belittling our partner, so is years of putting your own needs above those of the family, so is refusal to discuss either fixing or ending the marriage without threatening a nasty divorce that will ruin the kids lives.

fwiw, I am not in the above-type marriage, nor have I had an affair (I'm relatively happily married) but I've seen a lot of bad shit over the years, and known people on both sides of the equation, and I think that while its not fair to blame the innocent spouse for the affair, sometimes life is complicated and people fuck up and make bad decisions. Affairs can be ways to survive in an unhappy, dysfunctional marriage, they can also be expressions of an unconscious desire to force change in the current situation, they can also be the product of confused thinking, of victim mentality, of drug/alcohol abuse, of boredom and immaturity, of a profound loneliness while being married (which is worse than loneliness while being single, in my book). It's not the answer, but I think the black and white mentality that puts people who have affairs in the "bad" camp and those who don't cross the line in the "good" camp isn't really helpful if you want to understand why people make these choices, and how to move beyond them and grow and change and have more satisfying relationships.

Ironically, some of us who DIDN'T have the affair but whose spouse's did are the ones who had sex and affection withheld from us. When I got pregnant something snapped inside my husband and instead of growing up, he decided over the course of the next couple of years to have a midlife crisis of sorts, stop being physical with me, stop making me feel respected, and just lashing out at me in general and not being much of a parenting partner. Then the icing on that cake was that he cheated.

Things are better now and he is growing up but an affair is NOT the answer and it is often done by the person in the marriage causing if not more trouble than at least as much trouble as the betrayed spouse (and I will say I was not perfect but at least I didn't have an affair).

Exactly. "The marriage was bad" excuse is just stupid. Both people are in the same "bad" marriage but only one of them cheats. Well, gee, if the bad marriage CAUSES the cheating, why don't both people cheat?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not complicated. Affairs are WRONG. You can say whatever you want to justify it, you might feel better when you do, but at the end of the day, it's still wrong.

actually, it is complicated. Affairs are wrong, but so is withholding sex and affection from you spouse, so is years of verbal abuse, berating, and belittling our partner, so is years of putting your own needs above those of the family, so is refusal to discuss either fixing or ending the marriage without threatening a nasty divorce that will ruin the kids lives.

fwiw, I am not in the above-type marriage, nor have I had an affair (I'm relatively happily married) but I've seen a lot of bad shit over the years, and known people on both sides of the equation, and I think that while its not fair to blame the innocent spouse for the affair, sometimes life is complicated and people fuck up and make bad decisions. Affairs can be ways to survive in an unhappy, dysfunctional marriage, they can also be expressions of an unconscious desire to force change in the current situation, they can also be the product of confused thinking, of victim mentality, of drug/alcohol abuse, of boredom and immaturity, of a profound loneliness while being married (which is worse than loneliness while being single, in my book). It's not the answer, but I think the black and white mentality that puts people who have affairs in the "bad" camp and those who don't cross the line in the "good" camp isn't really helpful if you want to understand why people make these choices, and how to move beyond them and grow and change and have more satisfying relationships.

Ironically, some of us who DIDN'T have the affair but whose spouse's did are the ones who had sex and affection withheld from us. When I got pregnant something snapped inside my husband and instead of growing up, he decided over the course of the next couple of years to have a midlife crisis of sorts, stop being physical with me, stop making me feel respected, and just lashing out at me in general and not being much of a parenting partner. Then the icing on that cake was that he cheated.

Things are better now and he is growing up but an affair is NOT the answer and it is often done by the person in the marriage causing if not more trouble than at least as much trouble as the betrayed spouse (and I will say I was not perfect but at least I didn't have an affair).

Anonymous wrote:

This is not complicated. Affairs are WRONG. You can say whatever you want to justify it, you might feel better when you do, but at the end of the day, it's still wrong.

actually, it is complicated. Affairs are wrong, but so is withholding sex and affection from you spouse, so is years of verbal abuse, berating, and belittling our partner, so is years of putting your own needs above those of the family, so is refusal to discuss either fixing or ending the marriage without threatening a nasty divorce that will ruin the kids lives.

fwiw, I am not in the above-type marriage, nor have I had an affair (I'm relatively happily married) but I've seen a lot of bad shit over the years, and known people on both sides of the equation, and I think that while its not fair to blame the innocent spouse for the affair, sometimes life is complicated and people fuck up and make bad decisions. Affairs can be ways to survive in an unhappy, dysfunctional marriage, they can also be expressions of an unconscious desire to force change in the current situation, they can also be the product of confused thinking, of victim mentality, of drug/alcohol abuse, of boredom and immaturity, of a profound loneliness while being married (which is worse than loneliness while being single, in my book). It's not the answer, but I think the black and white mentality that puts people who have affairs in the "bad" camp and those who don't cross the line in the "good" camp isn't really helpful if you want to understand why people make these choices, and how to move beyond them and grow and change and have more satisfying relationships.