Anonymous wrote:My parents moved across the country for retirement in a warm weather area. About ten years later, one sibling moved her family out there also. That sibling had had an unpleasant divorce and she wanted her kids as far away as possible from their dad. My parents did a lot of caretaking for her kids over the years.

My sister ended up doing a lot to take care of our parents because she lived right there. I was on the other side of the country. My parents made the choice to move out there, knowing my job would keep me here and that I had no desire to live in the state they had moved to.

So, yes, my sister did a lot to take care of them, but she also had benefitted from them taking care of her kids in a way they never could for my kids. In the end, they did divide things equally, but I admit I would have been annoyed if they hadn’t under these circumstances. (Also, I am aware that they always reimbursed her for her time and mileage when she was helping them and always gave her a bit extra, so I don’t think there was any resentment on her part.)

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 75. My brother divorced at 38 and moved back in with her. She is widowed. My brother quit his job at 40 with plans to get another job someday. It's been 10 years and mom has been supporting him. He has an excellent degree and would easily have been employable. He just says he hates work and work is stressful. His kids who are now 19 and 20 also lived with my mom since the divorce.

My mom is worth a few million around 3-4. She previously told me the will is 50/50. She has been doing questionable things recently. So, I asked her about the will and she said " I need to protect people in the will. You have had much more success than your brother. He has not been successful and will need more money". We will meet to discuss this further. After many instances of being treated unfairly, I am done. I am punished for working hard throughout my life. If it is not equal, then I don't want any money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

PP, what would work for you? I don't mean that in a crass way, but what if it was 60-40?

And to add - for the first time in years your sister actually has time for herself, career, spouse after the hamster wheel of work, childrearing, etc. It's a big ask for her to now be primary caregiver for your elderly mom - for free and with apparently little emotional or physical support from you. It's a thankless task and you think she's due? Wow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

PP, what would work for you? I don't mean that in a crass way, but what if it was 60-40?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

Agree with this 100%. Until you've done that level of caregiving, you have no idea how difficult it is. If you truly want to help, offer some respite time for your sister - offer to take your mom for the weekend, or visit your mom for a weekend (leave your kids at home). Your sister is going to need support and breaks, not competition. And just because her kids graduated, doesn't mean they don't need their mom. You don't know what their situation is or her parenting duties.

Odd perspective. She’s doing more. Essentially, your mom is paying her after her death. Your circumstances are different, but that doesn’t change the fact your sister is working hard for your mom right now. Elder care is very difficult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 75. My brother divorced at 38 and moved back in with her. She is widowed. My brother quit his job at 40 with plans to get another job someday. It's been 10 years and mom has been supporting him. He has an excellent degree and would easily have been employable. He just says he hates work and work is stressful. His kids who are now 19 and 20 also lived with my mom since the divorce.

My mom is worth a few million around 3-4. She previously told me the will is 50/50. She has been doing questionable things recently. So, I asked her about the will and she said " I need to protect people in the will. You have had much more success than your brother. He has not been successful and will need more money". We will meet to discuss this further. After many instances of being treated unfairly, I am done. I am punished for working hard throughout my life. If it is not equal, then I don't want any money.

Anonymous wrote:Every good financial advisor and accountant will tell you that you need to make it equal if you want some sort of family harmony, unless say you have a child with severe special needs or something. As has been pointed out, one child may seem better off than another, but one major illness or emergency can change all that.

In most of the cases I have heard of and even in my own extended family-in functional, healthy families, the parents chose to keep things equal and even made sure the child who was there for them was paid during that time for missed work, etc. In dysfunctional families there is all sorts of unfairness and even siblings who liked eachother sometimes find their relationships fall apart in the aftermath.

Time again people on here rant about how parents can do what they want and children are so greedy and time again any expert will tell you to keep things equal for the sake of harmony and basic decency.