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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here - So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex?

[b]My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex. [/b]

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

[b]So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency[/b] up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?[/quote]

Your last question 100% depends on the woman. However, for me (and this is just one perspective), this would reinforce negative feelings. I'm someone from earlier in the thread who said I have low libido naturally, but really work on making myself receptive, and that it works for me in large part because I know it will be amazing once I can get in the right frame of mind. If I thought it might be "meh", this would be really disheartening for me (not just because of the physical aspect / orgasm, but also just because it's a generally disappointing connection between two people in that event too) and I'd have a much harder time getting myself to be receptive to it next time.

With respect to the two paragraphs above, I think you're making things mutually exclusive when they don't need to be. If your wife offers a quickie, and seems sincerely receptive, then great - but WHENEVER and HOWEVER you have sex, you need to learn what really turns her on and do it. We all have "hot buttons" and I guarantee in this scenario that you don't know all of hers. She may not know all of hers either. I would ask her to get bossy with you during sex for awhile, so that you can learn what she really likes. Not because there's any pressure to orgasm (there should be none, she should know she can call off at any time), but because you want to make sex better for both of you, and part of that is both of you learning what really makes her hot. It might not be comfortable at first, but really encourage her to redirect you when she doesn't really like something, and to tell you to keep going when she really does like something, to guide your hand, instruct "harder", "softer", "to the left / right / whatever" ... and really focus on showing her how much you love her when you are in the act. I would be shocked if you give a sincere longterm effort in these ways and it doesn't have positive results for you both. [/quote]

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