Reply to Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here I want to thank everyone for their advice and support. It means a lot that I can seek advice and be able to vent here. I am going to try to clear things up and answer some comments but first I would like to say I understand those who are being negative. I get it because I understand that they have not read everything and are just going off a knee jerk reaction of the boys being excluded. It is so much more than that. Trust me I was in your shoes. A lot of our family and close friends encountered them once and were like "oh hell no" and have washed their hands. I've kept trying and am still willing to, but at this time my hands are pretty much bound as to what more I can do.

DH did have a good talk with his brother today and our nieces will be attending. I *think* some change is going to take place, slowly. My BIL did say that his wife does realize there is an issue here and they cannot keep living like this. There is still a lot of anger on her part, but I think we might be making some headway. I certainly hope so. These boys should be enjoying their new family situation. Lots of cousins, lots of trips, lots of fun. If I may say so, lots of good food too! I feel like they are missing out on so much by being so stubborn but of course it is not their fault.

I am so sorry if I missed a question. I don't have a great deal of time right now. I want to get back to a few specific comments later when I can devote some time to them. Especially the last poster who was kind enough to share their story in the last thread and comment again here.
	
[quote]OP - what does the rest of your DH's family say about the situation? Have they had a chance to get to know these new family members? [/quote]
No one is happy about this situation. It is always a miserable time. My MIL and FIL live in a farmhouse in Iowa, with a small tv and slow wifi. MIL cans and gardens and makes everything from scratch and the closest "store" is about a 40 minute drive. You can imagine how that visit went. There was a pretty bad argument between my (DH's sister) SIL's wife and the boys mother, she doesn't speak to any of them now. What I have vented here is the tip of the iceburg of what has been going on for the past 20 months. I try to keep it to my experience.

[quote]OP - a few other questions about your BIL and his new family? How long has your nieces' mother been dead? Was BIL just looking for a mother figure and this is what he stumbled into or is it true love? [/quote]
She died almost 6 years ago, my youngest niece was a baby. It was sudden. BIL and his new wife have been together almost 3. I met her plenty of times without her boys before they married and they seemed very happy and in love. Everyone was very happy for BIL. I don't think he dated much or at all before meeting her. He seems pretty stressed now and they no longer seem happy. They argue a great deal.

[quote]OP, I read your other thread and you still sound tiresome: my BIL's new wife is awful and her kids are awful and they ruin everything for my own perfect family. You also sound like you are exaggerating - I have active, picky boys and the idea that 9yo and 12yo throw a violent tantrum if they are not served Kraft mac-n-cheese and a specific brand of chicken nuggets is, well, absurd. [/quote]

Not once have I said I have a perfect family but I do have a family that should be able to enjoy time together. I also have a family I think these boys can benefit from. Your boys may be picky eaters but they are active and they are not these boys. As I've said, they also want a certain brand of cereal and certain sweets and chips. This is not a normal "picky eater" situation. They might be coerced into trying a food, but its mostly met with "Eurgh" and "Yuck" and gagging noises, then either laughing or a tantrum. It is an addiction and control issue. I think they got a good deal of attention from their mother by acting out, so that is how they interact with everyone now.

[quote]No, the BIL was widowed. Do we know if new SIL was divorced or widowed? Not sure. [/quote]
She and her exhusband were estranged before the birth of the youngest boy but didn't divorce until she started dating my BIL. From what I know he wasn't around much at all, but would come back for a few days or a month and then go again. She doesn't have much family at all and it has basically been just her and the boys for a very long time. I can imaging coming into a big happy and affection family like mine and like my DHs, though his is spread out, was overwhelming for them.[/quote]

I don't know, call me a hater, but I'm still getting the message that you think your happy, affectionate family is awesome and would be nothing but trading up for this woman and her kids. Maybe it would be, but you can't expect them to just throw themselves into this new situation because it looks to be an improvement. There is a resentment from you, "Why won't they let me help them?!"

Set clear boundaries and then let it go. Stop trying to change them or bring them into the fold of your healing family. Really. [/quote]

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