Reply to Update: New nephews not fitting into family dynamic

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[quote=Anonymous]I remember you, OP. I'm a PP from the previous thread who had a similar situation in my stepfamily as a child and you appreciated my posts there. I've now read this whole thread and my thoughts:

--ignore the haters. you're pretty good at this, but as a dcum veteran you knew they'd come out and they did and they are the idiots. You did right throughout here. SIL is the crux of the problem and the recent development illustrates that nicely.

--Your family has demonstrated that they know that it's love, not blood or even marriage, that makes a family, with your father's embracing of your husband's family. So everyone saying "they're not even his grandkids" is also easily ignored.

--good to know you were representing your dad's opinions throughout.  I didn't catch if SIL knows or cares about that, and it's probably too late for that knowledge to affect THIS situation, but he should continue to demonstrate that this isn't about them not "really" being family but about the behavior being disruptive to the larger group of which he is patriarch. And you continue to support that.

--I think the quoted pp below has a point...

[quote=Anonymous](1) the party is for your dad, not for his son-I'm-law's brother's step kids. Your dad has been extremely generous to the new wife and her kids and they've treated him terribly in return, turning his summer home and his family tradition into a stressful waste. They don't have the right to impose on him any further. No guest has the right to destroy someone else's special day but this goes double for a near stranger. OP is not responsible for this-  her selfish SIL is.

(2) SIL and her children will not be family members for long. BIL is a lovely guy standing up for this woman as a good husband does for a spouse, but that doesn't mean he's happy. On the contrary, he is obviously miserable and sometime soon the fact that his children are being abused will be the breaking point.  This marriage is going to end.

Which is why

(3) there is no further role for you to play here. Let your husband continue these painful conversations with his brother. He's going to have to be the one who picks up the pieces when this falls apart. He's also probably the only one who can help his own brother find a way forward. Let the SIL sit with the fact that even if it hurts her, her kids need to be excluded because their presence makes others miserable and other people do indeed matter. Those kids don't stand a chance and that marriage doesn't stand a chance unless and until  they all see that something has to change.

[/quote]

...but I am not as sure about #2 and #3 as pp is. Either way, this PARTICULAR incident is over for now. You'll have a lovely party and SIL has another chip in her shoulder to carry around.  On to the holidays! ;)

--the reason I don't fully agree with 2 and 3 is you don't know whether SIL+kids will be in your family long-term (which I'm going to define here as into her kids' adulthood). Even if they do divorce, it sounds like all it will take is a kid from SIL by BIL to keep her in the family loop.  You can't assume you're free to wash your hands of this situation, assume that you'll be involved for as long as BIL is related to DH. So what do you do?  Start thinking long-term. From the long-term perspective, this is expected to be a very tumultuous time to blend these families, behavior problems or not--the death of a mother of small kids is a disruptive thing for a very long time. It SHOULD take years for this family to find its new shape. Luckily your dad has a strong vision of what that shape is, which can help the outsiders because expectations are clear (they weren't in my blended family). Your family is as close as these kids have ever been to what a family should be and they are way too young to see the opportunity they have been given, and unfortunately SIL is far too self-involved to see it herself. SIL cannot reasonably be expected to change, but kids grow up. Change IS likely for them, over the long term. I get that they are hellish tweens now, but think about when they are 20 and not as under their mom's influence. They could be looking back on 10 years of exclusion at the hands of your dad and his family...or at 10 years of the message "you are a part of this family and are welcome here...just as soon as you show respect towards what it stands for."

--The message needs to be: these kids are not on the outside because they aren't really family or are natural born hellions. They are on the outside because they are not currently able to live up to the standards your family has for kid behavior. That's on your SIL at the moment (BIL too, but honestly he sounds like he has his hands too full to deal) but at some point it will be on the kids themselves and they may make different choices.  That day WILL come. Maybe they'll be out of your life by then but I doubt it, because...

--the abuse of BIL's female kids by his male stepkids is really, really, really disturbing. There's a pit of dread in my stomach just thinking about it. Remember Maslow's hierarchy? Those girls are not safe. that's level 2, the only thing more basic is literal physical survival. That your BIL is not up day and night worried about THAT makes me think he's not likely to divorce SIL.  Anyway, the girls: I think they need to be your focus now. These boys are only going to get bigger and stronger and, not to put too fine a point on it, more hormonal. And if god forbid they do harm their sisters in some permanent way or other, all the latent sympathy for them in your family as victims of poor parenting is going to vanish...but THEY'LL STILL BE victims of poor parenting.

Actually, looking up Maslow's hierarchy has given interesting perspective on this situation. You're worried about love and belonging, but these kids' behavior is so bad that the actual need here at the family level is safety.  Maybe you can contact the counselor at these boys' school? They can't be taking easily to schooling...

good luck and I hope your party is a huge success. 
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