Reply to In shock - he cheated

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, he proposed to you and continued to date. His idea of commitment is not compatible with yours.

You can't assume, no matter what he says, that he's going to be open and honest now. His idea of honesty and openness is not the same as yours.

His idea of commitment in marriage is unproven, but based on the above, I'll bet you it's not going to be the same as yours either. And you won't know what he's really up to.  Why? He spent years lying and hiding already. He's pretty good at it, and he feels he's entitled to do what he wants, and that there are acceptable reasons to lie and hide and cheat. The thing he feels bad about is getting caught. You only found out from someone else. He didn't suddenly turn honest or come forward on his own. He got busted.

I can tell you, from experience, that it's only going to get more complicated as you invest more time and if you have kids. You'll have invested infinitely more than you have now. You think getting out now will be hard? It's nothing like it will be. And marriage is tough, especially during the early child-raising years. Given his history, it's very likely he's going to hide things, lie to you, and betray your trust again. He'll have his reasons--business travel, or you're busy with work and child.

And every day is a kind of hell after your trust is broken, as you're finding. Even with time, you experience these moments of hell regularly, and question things that you'd never have to give a thought if you were with someone trustworthy. It taints everything. Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you feel this is the best you can do?

I'm a year into your process, with someone who has shown himself to be able to operate in the same deceptive, secretive, self-serving way your new husband does. If we didn't already have kids, I'd have spared myself the hell of trying to stay in this. He's doing everything right, and appears to be a "changed man," but even the nicest moments are poisoned by my gut telling me this guy fooled me for years, so I have to watch out. That's life without trust. And any time something iffy comes up, where before you'd have the luxury of trust, so you could shrug it off, you know you cannot now. There is no peace of mind, no matter how hard you try to create it. There is no sense of safety anymore.

I think you're wise to take your time and work your way through this. Just don't let wishful thinking override your gut and common sense. [/quote]

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