Reply to Take them or leave them - brutally honest description of your spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote] How can you get over the fact that it takes so much emotional work in your part for him to respect you? I have a hangup about that.[/quote]

I have never thought that him losing his temper is about me, so it’s never occurred to me that he does not respect me.  In fact, I know that he does respect me and basically has me on a bit of a pedestal.  His behavior may be disrespectful very occasionally, but so is my mom’s and I still love her.  Are there actually long-term marriages where neither spouse has ever yelled at the other? I find that really hard to believe, since married people are human.[/quote]
I’m the other PP trying to explain this dynamic. In my case there was virtually no emotional work required once I had the realization that his anger management issues were his to deal with and needn’t have an impact on me.  I think some people who don’t have experience with this type of person can’t quite imagine the situation. While it is enormously disrespectful and unacceptable for a person to behave this way, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the angry person lacks respect for whomever he may be aiming it toward. It’s very similar to when toddlers have meltdowns because their emotions are too much for them to handle—they just fall out all over the place. Teens do it too sometimes.  My DH will literally yell at the TV when he’s frustrated that he can’t get something to work—it’s absurd.  He’s very self-aware in every other aspect of his life but bizarrely unable to see what’s happening when he does this.

In the spirit of this thread, my DH is also:

Brilliant
Very driven and professionally successful
High earner ($700,000+) and great at finances
Has always fully supported my career, though I make significantly less
Excellent dad, has always done at least 50% of kid related tasks, including volunteering to coach their teams
Extremely empathetic and patient with the kids, outside of the occasional yelling issue
Similar values and politics (Dems)
Extremely well read and well informed
Very loyal, and has many close friends in other places that he makes a point of calling several times per year
Very funny and observant about social dynamics and likes analyzing people’s personalities and motivations—great at rehashing parties or other outings
Likes to spend time with me, and feels sad and lonely if he’s in an empty house with no kids or me
Extremely close with his extended family and mine
Plans all our vacations after asking for general input from me and the kids and accepting vetos
Very fit and has weighed the same since college
Good libido and great technique. He’d be happy with more than the 1-2 times per week we average, but is ok with that
I could not care less about height or hair, but he’s average in both those areas. Definitely handsome to me, but not a head-turner. 
Complete homebody
Has to be cajoled or dragged into going to social events with any but the closest friends, and often refuses so I go alone
Cannot cook at all, but is appreciative of my efforts unless I serve too many vegetarian meals in a row
While generous in most areas, cannot abide spending money at fancy restaurants. Will always complain about this if it is just the two of us and say that what I cook at home is better. I love eating at great restaurants and now mostly do it with friends. 
Least handy person I’ve ever met, but also pretends to be helpless to get out of some chores
Has learned to clean during the pandemic but does this with more energy than thought. Will drag furniture around to vacuum underneath and scratch the wood floors or break things.
Always planning several months out, and emailing me to-do lists as if I’m his assistant. Gets very annoyed when I do only those items that interest me and ignore the rest.  He used to call me virtually every morning at work to go over the things he wanted me to do. I stopped answering his calls. 
Anger management issues described above, but can also be generally thin-skinned, controlling and overbearing when stressed.
Gets so anxious about work stuff that he has trouble sleeping many nights and tosses and turns and thrashes like a rat in a trap, but pouts if I sleep elsewhere 
Refuses to seek treatment for anxiety or try the yoga or meditation I’ve urged
[/quote]

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