Anonymous wrote:Great thread:

For a twist, I’ll try to do both partners.

DH
- handsome, tall, good hair
- medium earner, ($100K) yet not super financially ambitious
- professional, not a huge spender
- low libido when stressed, vanilla sex desires
- occasional anxiety and paranoia, has trouble being willing to work on this
- well read, funny, excellent host
- great cook
- extremely messy, doesn’t mind hiring cleaners but
- good dad yet can’t handle two young kids at once alone
- dreamer, likes to float impractical ideas
- uses semantics against you in arguments
- willing to improve himself in small ways, especially when spiritual connection of marriage is brought up

DW
- attractive, works hard on appearance
- responsible spender
- part time worker, yet has rental income
- bossy, wants to control big decisions
- occasionally greedy about finances
- ADD, takes medicine
- motivated and willing to make changes
- medium libido
- chatty, talks excessively when nervous
- primary parent, handles finances, household tasks

Both partners are somewhat self aware and motivated. It’s not a even marriage at all times. Who’s giving more ebbs and flows. Without a doubt both people have improved since the marriage.

You’re golden then, and will continue to get better!

Great thread:

For a twist, I’ll try to do both partners.

DH
- handsome, tall, good hair
- medium earner, ($100K) yet not super financially ambitious
- professional, not a huge spender
- low libido when stressed, vanilla sex desires
- occasional anxiety and paranoia, has trouble being willing to work on this
- well read, funny, excellent host
- great cook
- extremely messy, doesn’t mind hiring cleaners but
- good dad yet can’t handle two young kids at once alone
- dreamer, likes to float impractical ideas
- uses semantics against you in arguments
- willing to improve himself in small ways, especially when spiritual connection of marriage is brought up

DW
- attractive, works hard on appearance
- responsible spender
- part time worker, yet has rental income
- bossy, wants to control big decisions
- occasionally greedy about finances
- ADD, takes medicine
- motivated and willing to make changes
- medium libido
- chatty, talks excessively when nervous
- primary parent, handles finances, household tasks

Both partners are somewhat self aware and motivated. It’s not a even marriage at all times. Who’s giving more ebbs and flows. Without a doubt both people have improved since the marriage.

Anonymous wrote:^ I’m the PP with a DH who also yells sometimes. I’m not sure it even rises to the level of an anger management issue, as that term is used, since it is so infrequent- I know there are women with spouses for whom that behavior is an everyday thing and really scary, so don’t want to pretend I’m dealing with the same thing. Anyway, it’s interesting to me that your DH and mine share so many character traits. My DH has loved that Covid meant our family was all together for so long. He also reads people really well, like your DH. But mine likes expensive restaurants (and Five Guys)!

Maybe there’s a cultural element.

Vast generalization, but I’ve noticed that anger is considered unacceptable in WASP circles. People do not get mad, they sublimate it into drinking and passive aggressive comments and affairs. In many other cultures, there’s a higher level of conflict and negativity that is considered normal to show at home with close family and people who are like family.

^ I’m the PP with a DH who also yells sometimes. I’m not sure it even rises to the level of an anger management issue, as that term is used, since it is so infrequent- I know there are women with spouses for whom that behavior is an everyday thing and really scary, so don’t want to pretend I’m dealing with the same thing. Anyway, it’s interesting to me that your DH and mine share so many character traits. My DH has loved that Covid meant our family was all together for so long. He also reads people really well, like your DH. But mine likes expensive restaurants (and Five Guys)!

Anonymous wrote:

How can you get over the fact that it takes so much emotional work in your part for him to respect you? I have a hangup about that.

I have never thought that him losing his temper is about me, so it’s never occurred to me that he does not respect me. In fact, I know that he does respect me and basically has me on a bit of a pedestal. His behavior may be disrespectful very occasionally, but so is my mom’s and I still love her. Are there actually long-term marriages where neither spouse has ever yelled at the other? I find that really hard to believe, since married people are human.

I’m the other PP trying to explain this dynamic. In my case there was virtually no emotional work required once I had the realization that his anger management issues were his to deal with and needn’t have an impact on me. I think some people who don’t have experience with this type of person can’t quite imagine the situation. While it is enormously disrespectful and unacceptable for a person to behave this way, that doesn’t necessarily mean that the angry person lacks respect for whomever he may be aiming it toward. It’s very similar to when toddlers have meltdowns because their emotions are too much for them to handle—they just fall out all over the place. Teens do it too sometimes. My DH will literally yell at the TV when he’s frustrated that he can’t get something to work—it’s absurd. He’s very self-aware in every other aspect of his life but bizarrely unable to see what’s happening when he does this.

In the spirit of this thread, my DH is also:

Brilliant
Very driven and professionally successful
High earner ($700,000+) and great at finances
Has always fully supported my career, though I make significantly less
Excellent dad, has always done at least 50% of kid related tasks, including volunteering to coach their teams
Extremely empathetic and patient with the kids, outside of the occasional yelling issue
Similar values and politics (Dems)
Extremely well read and well informed
Very loyal, and has many close friends in other places that he makes a point of calling several times per year
Very funny and observant about social dynamics and likes analyzing people’s personalities and motivations—great at rehashing parties or other outings
Likes to spend time with me, and feels sad and lonely if he’s in an empty house with no kids or me
Extremely close with his extended family and mine
Plans all our vacations after asking for general input from me and the kids and accepting vetos
Very fit and has weighed the same since college
Good libido and great technique. He’d be happy with more than the 1-2 times per week we average, but is ok with that
I could not care less about height or hair, but he’s average in both those areas. Definitely handsome to me, but not a head-turner.
Complete homebody
Has to be cajoled or dragged into going to social events with any but the closest friends, and often refuses so I go alone
Cannot cook at all, but is appreciative of my efforts unless I serve too many vegetarian meals in a row
While generous in most areas, cannot abide spending money at fancy restaurants. Will always complain about this if it is just the two of us and say that what I cook at home is better. I love eating at great restaurants and now mostly do it with friends.
Least handy person I’ve ever met, but also pretends to be helpless to get out of some chores
Has learned to clean during the pandemic but does this with more energy than thought. Will drag furniture around to vacuum underneath and scratch the wood floors or break things.
Always planning several months out, and emailing me to-do lists as if I’m his assistant. Gets very annoyed when I do only those items that interest me and ignore the rest. He used to call me virtually every morning at work to go over the things he wanted me to do. I stopped answering his calls.
Anger management issues described above, but can also be generally thin-skinned, controlling and overbearing when stressed.
Gets so anxious about work stuff that he has trouble sleeping many nights and tosses and turns and thrashes like a rat in a trap, but pouts if I sleep elsewhere
Refuses to seek treatment for anxiety or try the yoga or meditation I’ve urged

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband:

High earner (~$500k)
Trust fund (~$5-10M)
In good shape and tall
Unique eye color
Cooks and cleans without being asked
Extremely patient, never yells
Loves animals, especially dogs
Great with our kids and does more than just the fun stuff
Supports my career by eagerly taking off work for unexpected last minute things and attends kid meetings instead of me
Conscientious about social issues like sexism, racism, wealth inequality
Expensive hobbies that put us in touch with the rich and powerful
Medium libido, 1-2x per week
Bi
Talks constantly about own hobbies and interests
Understands nothing about finance, spends a lot, I manage everything
Emotionally needy, needs constant verbal affirmation
Expects that I defer to him in major life decisions
Works constantly, always on screens, dips out of events to make calls
No grad degree, state school undergrad
Not interested in giving head
Job brings public scrutiny and death threats
Meddling family who have tried to break us apart

Bi? Sorry, total deal breaker

... but maybe the poster is a man?

What would that have to do with me? I said for me it would be a deal breaker. Also how do you know I’m not a man? A lot of gay people don’t want to be with bi people.

This is so sad given that there were so many other attributes listed.

It's sad that people have preferences?

You hate bi people so much that you wouldn't give a bi man a chance for $10M? LOL.

Correct. Not interested in men who engage in sexual relations with other men. Money isn't that important to me, I earn enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband:

High earner (~$500k)
Trust fund (~$5-10M)
In good shape and tall
Unique eye color
Cooks and cleans without being asked
Extremely patient, never yells
Loves animals, especially dogs
Great with our kids and does more than just the fun stuff
Supports my career by eagerly taking off work for unexpected last minute things and attends kid meetings instead of me
Conscientious about social issues like sexism, racism, wealth inequality
Expensive hobbies that put us in touch with the rich and powerful
Medium libido, 1-2x per week
Bi
Talks constantly about own hobbies and interests
Understands nothing about finance, spends a lot, I manage everything
Emotionally needy, needs constant verbal affirmation
Expects that I defer to him in major life decisions
Works constantly, always on screens, dips out of events to make calls
No grad degree, state school undergrad
Not interested in giving head
Job brings public scrutiny and death threats
Meddling family who have tried to break us apart

Bi? Sorry, total deal breaker

... but maybe the poster is a man?

What would that have to do with me? I said for me it would be a deal breaker. Also how do you know I’m not a man? A lot of gay people don’t want to be with bi people.

This is so sad given that there were so many other attributes listed.

It's sad that people have preferences?

You hate bi people so much that you wouldn't give a bi man a chance for $10M? LOL.

The poster you are referencing yes I guess it happens a lot. But there are people who constantly abuse others and are abusive. It can change other people. I screamed in my husbands face when he brought someone into the house for sex and I found out so if that makes me a terrible person oh well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am noticing a trend that spouses are a balanced blend of very good and very bad traits. I suppose when the balance tips to the bad, the relationship goes in the sh*tter pretty quick.

Agreed. So many posts saying “gorgeous, tall, great in bed, best dad, loving, caring……but screams in my face, bad temper, occasionally violent (but not too often), etc” it’s like WTF???

It's called people are human

Lots of humans would never, ever scream in somebody else’s face. If you’re going to brush that off by saying it’s just being human, you can also say that being human is also being unwaveringly respectful or consistently emotionally validating.

No one is a saint is all. Pick what you can live with. You can't dismiss each person on earth because they have one bad trait that is hard for you to live with. Maybe you need more empathy for that trait or you were attracted to that person because you are the opposite of that trait and you need to regulate yourself.

Did the person just crash the car and kill their child? Or just found out the wife ate all the chocolate ice cream. Context kind of matters.

Expect somebody to live up to basic standards of human decency isn’t expecting sainthood.

Lots of the cons of somebody mentioned here are what I wound expect when you are talking about bad traits that are hard to live with, like not cleaning a lot or dressing terribly. Screaming in somebody’s face? That’s unacceptable, always, and if it happens regularly it means you are mistreating somebody, not that you have a trait that’s hard to deal with.

How can you get over the fact that it takes so much emotional work in your part for him to respect you? I have a hangup about that.

I have never thought that him losing his temper is about me, so it’s never occurred to me that he does not respect me. In fact, I know that he does respect me and basically has me on a bit of a pedestal. His behavior may be disrespectful very occasionally, but so is my mom’s and I still love her. Are there actually long-term marriages where neither spouse has ever yelled at the other? I find that really hard to believe, since married people are human.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am noticing a trend that spouses are a balanced blend of very good and very bad traits. I suppose when the balance tips to the bad, the relationship goes in the sh*tter pretty quick.

Agreed. So many posts saying “gorgeous, tall, great in bed, best dad, loving, caring……but screams in my face, bad temper, occasionally violent (but not too often), etc” it’s like WTF???

It's called people are human

Lots of humans would never, ever scream in somebody else’s face. If you’re going to brush that off by saying it’s just being human, you can also say that being human is also being unwaveringly respectful or consistently emotionally validating.

No one is a saint is all. Pick what you can live with. You can't dismiss each person on earth because they have one bad trait that is hard for you to live with. Maybe you need more empathy for that trait or you were attracted to that person because you are the opposite of that trait and you need to regulate yourself.

Did the person just crash the car and kill their child? Or just found out the wife ate all the chocolate ice cream. Context kind of matters.

1. Sufficient earner
2. Respectful of women and others
3. Super responsible
4. Good housemate
5. Good father
6. Great manners
7. Great at doing errands and taking care of situations that arise
8. Takes care of all of our technology
9. Thoughtful (if he knows you like something he’ll buy it for you)
10. Super smart
11. Likes to go down on me - tries hard
12. Well read
13. Loves animals
14. Politically on the left
15. Good at planning vacations
16. Good cook
17. Generous tipper
18. Has learned over the years that it is best not to criticize how I do chores.
19. High integrity, trustworthy

1. Condescending
2. Gets defensive easily and turns the blame back on me
3. Doesn’t share things with me, e.g. health concerns
4. Prone to misery and negativity
5. Not frugal
6. Drinks 2+ drinks a night
7. Prone to fatness, currently 40 pounds overweight
8. Thoughtless in the most stupid ways
9. Not in shape, doesn’t care for exercise
10. Likes politics
11. Unhealthy eating
12. Will disagree with anything I say
13. Breaths loudly, sighs often
14. Controlling/bullying/sharp when angry or stressed
15. Not ambitious

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am noticing a trend that spouses are a balanced blend of very good and very bad traits. I suppose when the balance tips to the bad, the relationship goes in the sh*tter pretty quick.

Agreed. So many posts saying “gorgeous, tall, great in bed, best dad, loving, caring……but screams in my face, bad temper, occasionally violent (but not too often), etc” it’s like WTF???

Yeah it’s odd that for many people, things I consider superficial (money, hair) seem, in the aggregate, to balance out things I would think are fundamental, like basic respect.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am noticing a trend that spouses are a balanced blend of very good and very bad traits. I suppose when the balance tips to the bad, the relationship goes in the sh*tter pretty quick.

Agreed. So many posts saying “gorgeous, tall, great in bed, best dad, loving, caring……but screams in my face, bad temper, occasionally violent (but not too often), etc” it’s like WTF???

It's called people are human

Lots of humans would never, ever scream in somebody else’s face. If you’re going to brush that off by saying it’s just being human, you can also say that being human is also being unwaveringly respectful or consistently emotionally validating.

Anonymous wrote:^ ugh my response was embedded

How can you get over the fact that it takes so much emotional work in your part for him to respect you? I have a hangup about that.