Reply to DD’s butt pinched in the pool

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My dh would have confronted the boys immediately, regardless of what my dd wanted. I’m not sure how you handle this after the fact. Your dd will probably have some very strong and confusing feelings about the whole thing. She needs to learn that standing up for yourself is empowering and being passive gives the offender all the control. Now she will remember feeling embarrassment and helplessness. It’s far better to remember the way you exerted your own power.

Almost 30 years later, I still beat myself up for not stopping a teacher who used to give lots of us unwanted back rubs. One day he sat down next to me and put his hand on my thigh and left it there. I have long felt that I was complicit in allowing him to do this to other girls. I teach my dds that they don’t have to know the right way to handle a situation like this, because that’s what parents are for. I’ll know how to handle it.[/quote]

Meant to add that your dd did the right thing by telling your dh. Your dh made the wrong call by agreeing to do nothing. I understand why he complied with her wishes, but this isn’t a “let it go” situation. Your dd needs to know that there are men out there who absolutely will not tolerate that kind of behavior, and Dad needs to be at the top of that list.[/quote]

I agree with this post & the pp's previous post.

I'm sure she was embarrassed, however THESE punk-ass boys are the ones that she should feel least embarrassed seeing her dad school them, as she doesn't know them IRL and she'll NEVER see them again (as opposed to the same thing occurring with some kid from her class).

Yes, she didn't want him to say anything out of fear of embarrassment, and your husband may have told her in the moment he won't say anything to get her to tell him what happened (ie; "I'll tell you what happened, but you have to promise not to say anything") but he then should have explained to her that there are some moments in life that both she AND he will look back on with regret at not confronting the situation.

A similar thing happened to me at camp and I told my dad on family day, and I also made hom promise not to say anything... and he didnt.
However, I will always, always, ALWAYS  have regret that I didn't say anything because:

1). I found out later that this counselor went on to do much worse to other girls that summer, which gave me a tremendous amount of guilt.

2) Yes, I know I was the one who made him promise not to say anything, but I didn't understand atc the moment how it would/could affect me later on, that he didn't stick up for me in that moment.  So, after that, I just never truly had the same level of respect for my father, as I did before that... which wasn't fair to him.

He was Superman status before that incident, and then after, I just found him to be kryptonite effected. My biggest thing was WHY did he listen to a child and not make the decision he knew was right as an adult?
That was the first time I ever questioned one of my parents judgement, but it wasn't until much later that I realized that he thought abiding by my wishes WAS protecting me.

After I told him all of this, he told me that if it were to ever happen again, instead of allowing ME, the tween, to make such a big decision based on perceived embarrassment, we would talk the specific incident through in that moment, and he would do what he felt was correct,  as he wanted to make sure he empowered me from that moment forward. 
I gained all of that lost respect right back for him in that moment.

Please talk to your husband -- HE'S the adult, who shouldn't have left a decisions such as this in the hands of a child (a child that doesn't realize how weak this decision may make her feel for decades to come).

He could have waited for her to leave the area to make a comment, this way he still stands up for her, but she didn't have to face the embarrassment.

She would have appreciated him telling her later that he actually DID say something, she just didn't see him, because I promise you that she's going to regret not allowing him to tell them off... maybe not today, and maybe not tomorrow, but she will soon and that regret could last a lifetime (as we're both sadly aware of).

Tell your husband that he can explain to her that this was a brazen act to do in front of so many parents, which means those f@ckers weren't too fearful of getting in trouble & by not allowing him to react, it will only make these boys bolder & more confident in doing that AND going farther to other little girls.

Boys like this rely on girls being fearful to react, being in stunned silence, or frozen like a deer in headlights, which is why they weren't afraid of getting into trouble.

You can explain the regret that you STILL have all of these years later -- she wouldn't want this happening to other girls her age (or even younger!) and if someone doesn't say something to them, they' will definitely keep doing it and hurting/scaring other young girls.

* sorry for any typos my battery is dying! [/quote]

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