Reply to Here's the thing I don't understand about husbands who don't help out

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I see TONS of posts like this all over these boards. There's one right now on the parenting board written by a poor BigLaw attorney with a toddler and baby who is working herself into an early grave doing everything for everybody by herself. Her husband is supposed to be the primary caregiver right now but he's not doing a good job. He can't even take the two kids to the grocery store. He doesn't do chores around the house because "he's not good at them." I swear, I am not picking on this woman, she is just the most recent example of this type of thing that I've seen but it's all day every day on here.

Here's what I don't get. If my husband went grocery shopping and picked out the wrong things, I'd (politely)* point this out to him and ask him to go back and get the right things. If he cleaned the bathroom and did a bad job, I'd ask him to do it again and get the spots he missed. if he said he was going to the grocery store and leaving the children at home for me to watch and work at the same time, I'd ask him if he was out of his mind.

Do these women not do this? Am I some crazy bitch? Early on in our marriage, we had some of this back and forth ^ but I was able to train him into a better husband. Yes, I'm using the word train because he started out useless at chores but quickly got better. Household chores are not hard. They just require effort and diligence. Now we're 50/50 and he's very comfortable with taking care of the house and kids. He even does hair.

*We both tolerate a lot of ribbing/teasing in our relationship and he is usually the instigator. So if he brought home the wrong things, I'd bust his balls big time but I know not everyone is up for this type of teasing. However, in his case, it only takes one or two experiences with this to get on the straight and narrow. He's the same way with me.

I guess what Im asking is, for women whose husbands really do nothing at home and you're at your wits end, have you tried calling him out on it? I would honestly say, "you're being a huge baby right now and it's really unattractive. Adults suck it up and get it done rather than whine." But maybe I am a crazy bitch, IDK. [/quote]

It’s very simple.  Women are now pushed to breastfeed or even EBF.  This board and city is home to many educated women who breastfeed.  They are left at home with a baby to breastfeed while their husband returns to work.  It becomes very clear the baby is their responsibility and not the dad’s.  Then they are stuck with the household work since their husband is at work during the day.  Many of these women don’t have enough paid leave or want to be home, so they completely drop out of the workforce.  Then they absolutely are the default parent and in charge of the housework.  Plenty of women lose their identity and become unpaid labor for men in the blink of an eye and a lot of it has to do with breastfeeding.  Formula is freedom for women.  It might not be the best for babies (who knows), but it’s the best for MOM.

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I’m so annoyed by your diatribe. I have 3 kids that I breastfed for 2 years each. Dh still did 50%. I did put the babies to bed every night for probably 9-12 months but Dh had other chores or was reading to the other kids. And now we switch off. Frankly I loved breastfeeding so much (but I’m not some crazy pro breastfeeding person who talks about it).

I’d argue that birth is where the inequity lies. I had to recover afterwards and no one cared about that other than Dh. [/quote]

That’s great it worked out for you.  But it’s not crazy to see how breastfeeding, which entirely falls on the mom, results in the mom becoming the default parent.  The mom has to be with the baby while breastfeeding and can only leave the house without the baby for a short period of time (unless bringing a pump along).  Breastfeeding, especially EBF, makes it very clear to the dad that the baby is entirely the responsibility of the mom.  Breastfeeding lasts a year or more sometimes.  Recovery from birth is 6-8 weeks.

Another poster pointed out that you have to achieve 50:50 equality early on in a marriage and with young kids.  If you EBF and then stay home with kids and take on all of the unpaid labor whole DH works - well, you’re going to have a hard time bouncing back from that.

Regardless, I doubt you have many kids or a life outside of family.  Breastfeeding 3 kids simply doesn’t allow much time to have friends besides fake mom friends who aren’t really your friend.  Formula would have liberated you.  
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I took 4 months off after births but went back to work and pumped. I have my own office and pumping was nbd for me. You only can’t leave your baby in the beginning. By 3 months they can go 3 hours without milk. I have plenty of friends too.

We actually thought breastfeeding was so much easier. No bottles and it was faster. Baby did come everywhere with me, but probably would have if I used formula too. [/quote]

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