Reply to Husband isn't good provider and I secretly hate him for it

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here. Thanks for the perpectives.  Especially the thoughtful one noted previously.

I do want my husband to be happy in job - which is why I've supported him doing so for so long. But right now my focus has shifted from him having a job he loves to our kids being able to go to good/decent public schoolsand to be able to host grandparents / siblings from out of state, hosting our own holidays, building equity, belonging to a community where people stick around   I'm willing to move out of this expensive area to realize that since after 10 years we haven't figured out how to make it work. [b]Both jobs are downtown w tough commutes to cheaper areas[/b].

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Oh, so you don't want to have to commute (like 90% of people that live in this area)?  Sounds like you're the only one holding yourself back, OP.[/quote]

This is an asshole response, to take this one sentence in isolation and jump on her for it.  What is wrong with you? In the aggregate, she wants more for their lives together, and he doesn't seem to share that motivation.  She's not a bad person for being frustrated by that.  Jesus.  Some people are happy to leave money on the table and endure crappy apartments and shitty commutes for no reason.  If you are that person, good for you.  Many of us have been able to achieve more. OP, you are not a bad person for wanting your husband to be on the same page with you, in terms of the lifestyle you want for your family.  Just because he loves this job doesn't mean he couldn't also love a different, higher paying job in the private sector.  Resentment is poisonous to live with.  He needs to know what this is doing to you and your feelings about him and the life you are trying to build together.

I have been there.  My husband was perfectly content to schlep along making less than half of what I make for years, in a company he didn't even like, even though there are tons of opportunities around. I managed my career by seeking promotions, taking some smart risks, and maximizing my earning potential. We live in Bethesda, have great schools etc.  But the house always needs work and I have thrown fits in frustration about the money left on the table that could be going into our kids'  529's, retirement savings, home improvements, etc.  Over many years of pleading for him to hustle, my frustration was so great that I stopped being attracted to him, sex dried up, etc. What  do you know: finally he has gotten a new job, 30 percent salary increase, much better benefits, etc.  I feel like we are partners again.  But I still resent that he squandered so many of his prime earning years. I'm trying to let that go. There are other qualities he brings to the marriage that I appreciate.  That doesn't mean I cannot also want him to be an equal provider instead of sitting back and letting me do all the career hustling.  [/quote]

I can understand your frustration. Op, not so much. She chose a low earning position or career and is upset that her husband opted for the same. He’s still the breadwinner. Not only does she earn less, she wants to drop to PT work and buy a home. My guess is that you were probably primary caregiver and wage earner in your household. If so, I’d be frustrated as well.[/quote]

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