Anonymous wrote:I should add just one thing in my husband's defense. He had apologized a lot over the past couple weeks. He has also been honest -- it's me who keeps asking him to stop. I truly believe he got in over his head and didn't know how to do anything else, and maybe kept it up for attention or as a way of getting back at me when we bickered. We've been married for 4.5 years so this has been going on for a long time, longer than I want to admit.

Anonymous wrote:Okay, OP. I'm going to answer your question.

Yes, it is possible for his friends to move past this and accept you. True friends are capable of forgiving a lot of indiscretions. This makes me really unpopular on DCUM, but I was the other woman until I got pregnant and my DH left his first wife (they had no children). It wasn't one of my top concerns at the time, but I did consider that all of his friends would ice him out or shun me due to the nature of our relationship, but they didn't. I'm not especially close with any of his friends or their wives, but they're kind to me and accept me. We still get invited to gatherings and everything seems normal. I have no idea if they still talk I'll of us behind out backs but I also really don't care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:how can anyone possibly think this has to do with OP's DH's friends? This is obviously all about the husband's issues. The friends are a complete red herring.

The friends are a red herring until you relate they have accepted DHs tall tales, and both have, and continue to exclude OP because of them.

This is his WIFE, with children; not some random girlfriend. These are his children. The fact that they continue to disclude her is telling. Also, the fact that two friends are “pulling out”.

OP is so much better than this scenario.

Anonymous wrote:People have different thresholds for what they can tolerate.
I’m furious on OP’s behalf and even at her a bit for being unwilling to hold her punk of a DH accountable but she’s willing and able to live with this, so that’s that.

OP, to answer your original question, since you’re willing to accept all the other stuff - no, writing a letter to his friends won’t repair things, in any way. Especially since he’s u willing to talk with them directly and stand up for you and your marriage. So don’t have any high expectations in that regard.

All you can do is let go of what they think. If you’re unwilling to hold your DH accountable for the damage he’s done and continues to then you have to accept things as they are. Period.

Though you mentioned he’d be willing to go to counseling with you, so take him up on that. And do get counseling for yourself (but don’t keep that a secret from him - he should know that you’re taking care of yourself and respecting yourself — let him worry about losing you instead of feeling like he has the luxury of shi**ing on you with no risk or consequences).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not sure your DH ever stopped being immature. So he joked about this and dug himself a deep hole... It sounds like it then took on a life of its own within his friends and he just either passively or actively let it continue to roll and gather steam.

And not point in the last 4 years did he decide that this had gone too far and that he needed to stop it? He must have continued the act at these couples weekends to explain your absence. He accepted people thinking bad things about you and you being excluded to avoid coming clean.

You need couples counseling stat. Your husband not only doesn't have your back, he is actively working to put you down. You may both need to walk away from that whole group of friends and start with other friends or your friends. He needs to be willing to give up that group of friends Who cares what they think. You need to fix your marriage first.

These were not couples weekends. One of them was a big trip to Vegas and another to Austin. It was coed -- so girls were invited and guys were invited and everyone brought their so. He didn't have to continue an act -- he says his friends told them that I wasn't invited both times, so it wasn't his idea, and he just went along with it.

OP back again. Sorry, what??? He has to walk away from those friends? No. He won't do that. He told me that he will blame me for the rest of my life and resent me if I do anything to hurt these friendships. He or I need to somehow win back these friends years and years later. He is willing to tell the truth and come clean, and write letters.

This is the comment that broke my WTF radar, the needle just shot up and broke the works.

What? He has been badmouthing you to your friends for years and YOU need to win them back? YOU? What the #$$%, woman?

Here's the thing. I am not sure anyone told you this in black and white. For the marriage to succeed, marriage has to come first. Like, #1 in life. Ahead of everything. I'm a little iffy on whether it can come before your parents, but it most certainly comes BEFORE your friends! Either of you should be able to immediately drop any friend that is unfriendly to your marriage. All your friends should be friends of your marriage. Either of you should be in a position to tell anyone, stop talking shit about my spouse or the friendship is over.

The fact that your husband continues to put friends ahead of you is not good. Like, terminally not good. Don't worry about him "not getting it." He gets it. He just doesn't want to. The fact that he is still fearful of losing these friends and says he'll resent you if you damage these friendships tells me you are not that high in his ladder of priorities. THAT is your problem. Not friends.

By the way, I don't believe in the high school pact of "don't talk to him until he divorces her". Male friendships don't operate that way. It may be "let's not hang out anymore until you stop trash-talking about your wife 'cause I can't take this shit anymore". But men don't usually hang their friendships on their spouses, and it doesn't look like you've really interfered in his friendships.

Can this be repaired? Who knows. One thing I know that it is NOT about you "winning back" his friends. Screw his friends. This should be about your husband PROVING to you that you come first. #1. Maybe #2 after his mom, but definitely not after. Preserving his friendships should be the last thing on his mind. It's bullshit that he tells you "you're making this a bigger deal than it needs to be." You alone decide how big of a deal this should be.

Finally, from the shoes of someone whose marriage has gone through some shitty times, I want to give you this bit of wisdom:

Do not give forgiveness easily. You may be ready to forgive him in your heart but DO NOT SHOW it. He has to work for it. He has to ask for it and work for it. Like a dog. You giving your forgiveness so readily tells him it's OK to continue to be shitty to you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm one of the pps you thanked for being kind. So sorry this thread has gone off the rails, but that happens on this board some times. Take it with a grain of salt.

Sounds like you've taken some really positive steps for yourself. Way to go! You can do this.

And, easy on the Advil. My neuro told me that if you take it for more than two days in a row, it can trigger withdrawal headache. Keep your Tylenol/Advil plan quite short.

Best of luck.

Op is deluding herself that her husband is remorseful and scared about this. Being supportive of her denial is not a kindness. Being supportive of her going to therapy to gain strength and understanding of the situation is helpful. Telling her to work on her marriage to psychopath is akin to blaming the victim here - not cool.

This is not Op's fault. Her husband and his friends have quite literally been snubbing her for years. There is a level of contempt and cruelty here that is NOT normal. Her husband will continue to treat her like crap and undermine her sense of self worth in order to keep her under control.

He's scared that his life will blow up, which is not the same as feeling genuine remorse for YEARS of badmouthing his wife to his friends. If he was genuinely sorry, he would be willing to do the hard work of talking to his friends himself. He's not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm one of the pps you thanked for being kind. So sorry this thread has gone off the rails, but that happens on this board some times. Take it with a grain of salt.

Sounds like you've taken some really positive steps for yourself. Way to go! You can do this.

And, easy on the Advil. My neuro told me that if you take it for more than two days in a row, it can trigger withdrawal headache. Keep your Tylenol/Advil plan quite short.

Best of luck.

Op is deluding herself that her husband is remorseful and scared about this. Being supportive of her denial is not a kindness. Being supportive of her going to therapy to gain strength and understanding of the situation is helpful. Telling her to work on her marriage to psychopath is akin to blaming the victim here - not cool.

This is not Op's fault. Her husband and his friends have quite literally been snubbing her for years. There is a level of contempt and cruelty here that is NOT normal. Her husband will continue to treat her like crap and undermine her sense of self worth in order to keep her under control.