Reply to Stopping caring saved my marriage

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Stopping caring saved my marriage"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching.  A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together.  I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate.  He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious.  That is why I wanted his ideas.  I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.

It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great!  I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar.  Three months later, it never happened.  He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.

How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun?  How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?

I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.
[/quote]

To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.

After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.

I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well. [/quote]

"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."[/quote]

yes to this![/quote]

See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point? [/quote]

If it doesn't matter what they do, why can't she go see the movie he suggested? Basically she asked him to choose something to do. He picked something and she said no, she doesn't like that, it's not good enough. But for him to be meh about the 4 week commitment she wants him to make is unacceptable? After she couldn't even be bothered to spend 2 hours on a movie he liked?

See how that goes both ways? It's especially worse because she asked his opinion then dismissed it outright. [/quote]

He picked something he knew she wouldn't like though. He only came up with 2 suggestions: 1 involved their kid so was disqualified and the other was a movie he knew she wouldn't like. Kind of a dick move if you say "sure I'll hang out but it has to be on my terms." Then they agreed on the cooking class to which he was supposed to do the leg work to sign them up and he couldn't be bothered to follow through in 3 months.

And we're supposed to be telling her to overlook this blatant disregard for her feelings and tell her to detach from feeling hurt?[/quote]

I don't see how it's a dick move for him to pick something he likes to do. If you want to do these kind of date nights together, you should each get a chance to do something you want to do. Not everything has to be something you both like.

As grown-ups we don't always like everything we do. Sometimes we do things for other people. [/quote]

Are you following the story? Wife wants to have a regular date night, H agrees. Both were supposed to come up with ideas. The wife proposed a bunch of creative ideas. Husband 2: 1 involving their kid and 1 a movie he knew she wouldn't want to see. They finally agree on a cooking class. H agrees to sign them up. 3 months pass and finally he says he has no time to sign them up. How is this not complete indifference and disregard for her feelings?

I feel like I am taking crazy pills in this thread. You all put up with way more than I do, I can tell you that. Idk what to make of that. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics