Anonymous
09/29/2016 16:37
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Who cares that he didn't book anything for three months.
This goes back to the original premise of this thread. Why is she "assigning" him this task. If this is something that's important to her, she should just book it for them.
Asking him to make something that's a priority for you a priority for him doesn't work. People don't work that way.
My DH has never booked a trip or made social plans for us. it's not important to him, but it is important to me. For a while I tried to force him to do it, it just made us both miserable.
Now if I want to do something i just book it. He will go and enjoy himself, but he's not a planner. It's not his thing. He has other things that he takes care of that are a priority for him, and I appreciate that.
This goes back to the original premise of this thread. Why is she "assigning" him this task. If this is something that's important to her, she should just book it for them.
Asking him to make something that's a priority for you a priority for him doesn't work. People don't work that way.
My DH has never booked a trip or made social plans for us. it's not important to him, but it is important to me. For a while I tried to force him to do it, it just made us both miserable.
Now if I want to do something i just book it. He will go and enjoy himself, but he's not a planner. It's not his thing. He has other things that he takes care of that are a priority for him, and I appreciate that.
Anonymous
09/29/2016 16:36
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Ugh jeez guys. The movie was a comic book movie and whenever he sees that type of movie, he goes with guy friends, which is A-OK by me. do not GAF. I'd have been fine with another movie, even though the whole point was to not sit staring at a screen like we do 80% of the time we are together.
Anonymous
09/29/2016 16:33
Subject: Re:Stopping caring saved my marriage
I guess you have to ask yourself, if you're not willing to go see a movie that your husband would like to see (2 hours of your life tops) then what are YOU contributing to making the situation better?
You asked him what he would like to do. He told you.
This isn't complicated. He shouldn't have to only do things that she wants to do and vice versa.
I think it would make more sense that each of you picks something you'd like and the other person goes and does it with you. He chooses, then you choose, etc.
You asked him what he would like to do. He told you.
This isn't complicated. He shouldn't have to only do things that she wants to do and vice versa.
I think it would make more sense that each of you picks something you'd like and the other person goes and does it with you. He chooses, then you choose, etc.
Anonymous
09/29/2016 16:32
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.
It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.
How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?
I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.
To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.
After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.
I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.
"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."
+1
yes to this!
See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?
If it doesn't matter what they do, why can't she go see the movie he suggested? Basically she asked him to choose something to do. He picked something and she said no, she doesn't like that, it's not good enough. But for him to be meh about the 4 week commitment she wants him to make is unacceptable? After she couldn't even be bothered to spend 2 hours on a movie he liked?
See how that goes both ways? It's especially worse because she asked his opinion then dismissed it outright.
He picked something he knew she wouldn't like though. He only came up with 2 suggestions: 1 involved their kid so was disqualified and the other was a movie he knew she wouldn't like. Kind of a dick move if you say "sure I'll hang out but it has to be on my terms." Then they agreed on the cooking class to which he was supposed to do the leg work to sign them up and he couldn't be bothered to follow through in 3 months.
And we're supposed to be telling her to overlook this blatant disregard for her feelings and tell her to detach from feeling hurt?
I don't see how it's a dick move for him to pick something he likes to do. If you want to do these kind of date nights together, you should each get a chance to do something you want to do. Not everything has to be something you both like.
As grown-ups we don't always like everything we do. Sometimes we do things for other people.
Are you following the story? Wife wants to have a regular date night, H agrees. Both were supposed to come up with ideas. The wife proposed a bunch of creative ideas. Husband 2: 1 involving their kid and 1 a movie he knew she wouldn't want to see. They finally agree on a cooking class. H agrees to sign them up. 3 months pass and finally he says he has no time to sign them up. How is this not complete indifference and disregard for her feelings?
I feel like I am taking crazy pills in this thread. You all put up with way more than I do, I can tell you that. Idk what to make of that.
Anonymous
09/29/2016 16:27
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.
It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.
How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?
I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.
To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.
After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.
I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.
"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."
+1
yes to this!
See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?
The point is, she's queuing it up for him...but doing so in a way that won't make herself feel more resentful. He doesn't have to lift a logistical finger, and if he cares and wants to spend time with her, he'll likely take her up on a few opportunities. Maybe the more they do together, the more he'll be motivated to make some plans.
And if he doesn't? Then she'll have a really clear picture to consider, and may have to ask herself some tough questions.
Right but when he didn't sign them up after 3 months, how is she supposed to take that other than a sign of indifference?
Anonymous
09/29/2016 16:26
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.
It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.
How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?
I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.
To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.
After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.
I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.
"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."
+1
yes to this!
See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?
If it doesn't matter what they do, why can't she go see the movie he suggested? Basically she asked him to choose something to do. He picked something and she said no, she doesn't like that, it's not good enough. But for him to be meh about the 4 week commitment she wants him to make is unacceptable? After she couldn't even be bothered to spend 2 hours on a movie he liked?
See how that goes both ways? It's especially worse because she asked his opinion then dismissed it outright.
Oooh, really good point!!
No, he suggested something he knew she would not like. Doesn't count and seems passive aggressive. I think there are bigger issues here, as a PP said.
Anonymous
09/29/2016 16:24
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.
It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.
How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?
I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.
To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.
After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.
I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.
"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."
+1
yes to this!
See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?
If it doesn't matter what they do, why can't she go see the movie he suggested? Basically she asked him to choose something to do. He picked something and she said no, she doesn't like that, it's not good enough. But for him to be meh about the 4 week commitment she wants him to make is unacceptable? After she couldn't even be bothered to spend 2 hours on a movie he liked?
See how that goes both ways? It's especially worse because she asked his opinion then dismissed it outright.
He picked something he knew she wouldn't like though. He only came up with 2 suggestions: 1 involved their kid so was disqualified and the other was a movie he knew she wouldn't like. Kind of a dick move if you say "sure I'll hang out but it has to be on my terms." Then they agreed on the cooking class to which he was supposed to do the leg work to sign them up and he couldn't be bothered to follow through in 3 months.
And we're supposed to be telling her to overlook this blatant disregard for her feelings and tell her to detach from feeling hurt?
I don't see how it's a dick move for him to pick something he likes to do. If you want to do these kind of date nights together, you should each get a chance to do something you want to do. Not everything has to be something you both like.
As grown-ups we don't always like everything we do. Sometimes we do things for other people.
Anonymous
09/29/2016 16:20
Subject: Re:Stopping caring saved my marriage
Take one for the team and book something he would want to do. Then next time you get to pick something. Alternate.
Anonymous
09/29/2016 16:20
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.
It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.
How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?
I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.
To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.
After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.
I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.
"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."
+1
yes to this!
See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?
If it doesn't matter what they do, why can't she go see the movie he suggested? Basically she asked him to choose something to do. He picked something and she said no, she doesn't like that, it's not good enough. But for him to be meh about the 4 week commitment she wants him to make is unacceptable? After she couldn't even be bothered to spend 2 hours on a movie he liked?
See how that goes both ways? It's especially worse because she asked his opinion then dismissed it outright.
He picked something he knew she wouldn't like though. He only came up with 2 suggestions: 1 involved their kid so was disqualified and the other was a movie he knew she wouldn't like. Kind of a dick move if you say "sure I'll hang out but it has to be on my terms." Then they agreed on the cooking class to which he was supposed to do the leg work to sign them up and he couldn't be bothered to follow through in 3 months.
And we're supposed to be telling her to overlook this blatant disregard for her feelings and tell her to detach from feeling hurt?
Anonymous
09/29/2016 16:15
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.
It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.
How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?
I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.
To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.
After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.
I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.
"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."
+1
yes to this!
See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?
If it doesn't matter what they do, why can't she go see the movie he suggested? Basically she asked him to choose something to do. He picked something and she said no, she doesn't like that, it's not good enough. But for him to be meh about the 4 week commitment she wants him to make is unacceptable? After she couldn't even be bothered to spend 2 hours on a movie he liked?
See how that goes both ways? It's especially worse because she asked his opinion then dismissed it outright.
I'm the op for this example. There was no 4 week class. It was an hour or so class one time, just to try something new. We watch plenty of netflix and tv (and not talk to each other during it). My other suggestions were any class - diy, cooking, exercise, etc. We could do a game night, a play, museum lecture, or take the day off while DC is in school and be tourists/bed bound. Finally I showed him a few options for cooking classes. He likes steak and I don't so that was why I picked that as one of the options. Like I said, if he doesn't want to be some place, he makes it very obvious and not fun for others. That is why I wanted his buy in and I thought by him booking it, we'd have that. None of my suggestions included something I know he would hate.
Anonymous
09/29/2016 15:56
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.
It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.
How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?
I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.
To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.
After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.
I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.
"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."
+1
yes to this!
See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?
If it doesn't matter what they do, why can't she go see the movie he suggested? Basically she asked him to choose something to do. He picked something and she said no, she doesn't like that, it's not good enough. But for him to be meh about the 4 week commitment she wants him to make is unacceptable? After she couldn't even be bothered to spend 2 hours on a movie he liked?
See how that goes both ways? It's especially worse because she asked his opinion then dismissed it outright.
Oooh, really good point!!
Anonymous
09/29/2016 15:54
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Great advice here, and I'm starting to use it today.
What about a husband who doesn't want to go away (day trip or weekend trip to visit friends/family), but doesn't want you& the kids to go either. He is controlling in a over safety conscience way (former law enforcement, expects the worst and the current events doesn't help). How would you approach? Trips to see family is 1x a year, not excessive
"The kids haven't seen their cousins since December, and I want to see my sister. We are going to book a beach house in Virginia Beach on October 23. I checked and we have nothing on the calendar during the dates. You are welcome to join us, and I would love it if you came. But if you don't, I'm taking the kids anyway. We need to see my family."
Anonymous
09/29/2016 15:52
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.
It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.
How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?
I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.
To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.
After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.
I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.
"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."
+1
yes to this!
See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?
Yeah I think there is something I'm not seeing here in the general advice in this thread because over and over it seems to be - make choices that make you happy and if you have to live as if you are a single person, do that. Fine, fair enough. But then, my question is, if you're already living as a single person, what is the point in being married? Who wants to be married to someone who is basically indifferent to their feelings on a wide array of subjects from chores to sex and only wants to spend together time on their terms?
I think that people are saying that what's being advocated here is not something that will work with an indifferent spouse.
If you have a spouse who doesn't want to spend time with you, you have much bigger fish to fry and should be questioning whether to stay together.
What the OP and others have been talking about is how to be happier yourself. How to build a life that allows you to bring yourself happiness, so you're not erroneously relying on others to make you happy.
Anonymous
09/29/2016 15:52
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.
It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.
How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?
I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.
To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.
After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.
I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.
"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."
+1
yes to this!
See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?
The point is, she's queuing it up for him...but doing so in a way that won't make herself feel more resentful. He doesn't have to lift a logistical finger, and if he cares and wants to spend time with her, he'll likely take her up on a few opportunities. Maybe the more they do together, the more he'll be motivated to make some plans.
And if he doesn't? Then she'll have a really clear picture to consider, and may have to ask herself some tough questions.
Anonymous
09/29/2016 15:51
Subject: Stopping caring saved my marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I posted earlier but here is an example of where I'm having trouble detaching. A few months ago, I told DH it feels like we never have fun and can we each come up with a few ideas for things we think would be fun to do together. I came up with about 5. He had two, one of which included doing something with our child (which is not the point) and the other was seeing a movie that is in a genre he knows I hate. He is also the type that if he doesn't want to do something or finds it beneath him or uninteresting, it is VERY obvious. That is why I wanted his ideas. I'd go along with pretty much anything where we could actually interact with each other.
It sounded like he'd be ok with a cooking class. Great! I asked him to select the type of food that interests him most and put it on the calendar. Three months later, it never happened. He then tells me a week or so ago that yeah, he just doesn't have ANY time to plan these type of things so if I want to do it, I'll have to plan it.
How do I detach from him not wanting to spend the time, effort, or money into doing something just for fun? How can I make it fun now and not laden with pressure and resentment if I now plan it?
I just don't make any plans with him now. It doesn't feel like that's a complete solution though.
To me, this is something that you want to do...so why not just plan it.
After you've had fun doing this together, maybe you can talk about the next thing you want to do together to have fun.
I'm better at planning things than my DH so I've just let it go and do it. It's much better than sitting at home all the time feeling resentful that he doesn't plan anything. I get to do fun things and he's happy to go, he just doesn't do planning very well.
"I signed up for two slots for a Spanish cuisine cooking course. It's every Friday for four weeks, starting next Friday. Do you want to do it with me? If not, Donna said she'd love to, and I'll go with her."
+1
yes to this!
See this is exactly what I don't get about this approach. The point of the cooking class activity in this example is not to take a cooking class necessarily. It's to spend time with her DH doing something fun and relationship bonding that is not family oriented. If DH can't be bothered, what's the point?
If it doesn't matter what they do, why can't she go see the movie he suggested? Basically she asked him to choose something to do. He picked something and she said no, she doesn't like that, it's not good enough. But for him to be meh about the 4 week commitment she wants him to make is unacceptable? After she couldn't even be bothered to spend 2 hours on a movie he liked?
See how that goes both ways? It's especially worse because she asked his opinion then dismissed it outright.