Reply to Why don’t more parents understand that adult kids have leverage nowadays to cut off contact, and

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.[/quote]

Many people here don't understand this, because they have normal relationships with parents who saw them as people. However, for those of us who grew up in abusive and narcissistic households, where parents saw kids as extensions of themselves, who reflected glory or shame on the parents through their achievements (beauty, college admissions, grades, etc), we understand it all too well. The whole point of getting to college for me, going into debt and getting a job was to be financially independent, to get money to be able to walk away.  My parents called me fat and ugly, refused to feed me dinner if I got bad grades, and gave me the silent treatment if I did badly in school or even brought home a guy they did not like - literally pretended we did not exist. There was no physical abuse, but It took me until the end of college to realize this was not how normal families behaved. This is how controlling parents behaved. It took a lot of therapy to get over this, and become a person who could move past it. But my mother remains incredibly manipulative; she hides the nasty words from outsiders, but will tell me I look like I gained weight, or question the choice of colleges for my children. She actually told me she thought they could do better and talked about her friends kids and where they were going to school.  Ladle on the pressure and try to shame - yep, it never changes.

As a result, I need to limit the time I spend with my parents. They still have boundary issues -and when they started commenting on my daughter's looks and inquiring about her grades, I realized I needed to protect her. The one great thing I did in my life is I know my kids know they are loved and that I view them as their own people, not view them as extensions of myself.

Sorry for making this such a heavy post, but controlling parental behavior is very real. And sometimes mental health requires forcing a new dynamic, or else, if that doesn't work, cutting off contact.[/quote]

+1. You cannot win with narcissistic and abusive parents. I've been there. It's about them and if it's about you then it's about how you or your spouse or your kids need to improve. If my mom will literally tell anyone who she meets that my sister is married to an accountant but that he doesn't have a CPA or MBA. Why? Because somehow to my narcissistic mother who is not an accountant, CPA, or MBA it's a moral failing. She comments on my 18 month old and 4 year olds weights all the time.  Things like: "She's lost a lot of weight! That was fast! or "I don't think [b]you'll[/b] be happy with her body type" It's like, 'no mom, you have a problem where you need to comment on preschoolers and toddlers bodies.' But that's what these types of parents do. They make everything about them and their preferences and their beliefs. And if you are the child of a narcissist you really grow up believing your parent has sacrificed everything for you and you should do whatever you need to do to make them happy. Stepping out of that is like leaving a cult and it's hard because these are the people who raised you. I understand why someone from a normal family wouldn't want to cut off their parents. But if you're from a normal family you really can't compare and you really shouldn't be telling people that they should or shouldn't cut off their family members. There are difficult relationships and there are abusive relationships and they are different. [/quote]

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