Anonymous wrote:I think it's interesting that some people seem to think this is the norm, parents who are difficult and annoying who they would like to cut off and never see again.

I'm sure it happens but it's not typical in my experience, for me or the people I know. I get along fine with my adult kids, we treat each other with respect, always have.

Tell me, those of you who are suffering through this painful relationship with your parents, what are you doing now that you think will prevent this from happening with your own kids?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that they need to be REALLY careful in their interactions with their late teens & early 20s kids? Seriously.

And don't forget older ACs. Do you mean as soon as there is something that the AC perceives is wrong, or takes the wrong way while not intended that way, or hears a comment/opinion they don't like, (such as: "Apparently RSV seems pretty virulent now, we weren't able to see Larla's baby last week and won't see her till March maybe" and AC perceives that as criticizing their own parenting socializing pattern) or their spouse does the same ("I don't like the way your Mom ate everything at the buffet except MY goat cheese dates. I got her message loud and clear."), while their friends are not up for review for anything it apoears- so you mean that parents should WATCH THEIR STEP? That? Yeah. For those in their younger 20s, it's probably about expectations of financial help they expected and didn't get.
Well, probably they've learned the hard way this is a landmine game of surreal proportions with rules that keep changing without notice. Losing this game means losing one's whole family, access to grandkids, issues with sinlings in the family, love, everything. But some have also decided to set boundaries in reverse because their own mental health might be worth it. Speaking for several friends, it is devastating.

Let me preface this by saying that I'm on good terms with my adult (mid-20s) kids.

But I'm not really surprised by this. There's been a cultural wave of blaming less-than-perfect parents for unsatisfactory outcomes. Of course, let's face it, we're all less-than-perfect human beings--humans just aren't perfect--and I'm sure many of us have made mistakes. But few parents are as awful as this forum suggests, and just how far this wave has gone is underscored by OP's "problems" (parents won't pay for oos, won't buy her a Manhattan condo).

I wonder about the causes. Is this generation unused to failure and looking for people to blame besides themselves? Is it entitlement, pure and simple, that causes ACs to demand perfection in their parents? Is there some other cultural shift I'm missing? I'm truly curious.

I think there absolutely is a cultural wave of blaming less-than-perfect parents. Everyone today is going to therapy, focusing on how their parents screwed them up. And, young adults today can be pretty entitled. I see threads about how they think of their parents' money as their own, they throw tantrums when the grandparents won't watch the grandchildren, etc. I think us older folks were raised that your parents don't owe you anything past 18. So this applies to some of the situations presented here.

But, there's other stuff going on too. This generation is recognizing that they don't need to put up with abusive, harmful, hurtful behavior just because the person is their mom or dad. There are nasty parents out there who only bring their adult children sadness, stress, and hurt. Like, these parents have NO redeeming qualities. If it were anyone else, people would say "dump them and don't look back." The whole "Because she's your mom / dad, you have honor them and put up with it" rationale isn't enough. If you are a bad person, your kids very well disengage and live their own lives without you.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh

Why is everyone on this board so quick to want to cut everyone off?

Take a break, get some therapy to help you cope, but only cut someone off as a last resort.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that they need to be REALLY careful in their interactions with their late teens & early 20s kids? Seriously.

And don't forget older ACs. Do you mean as soon as there is something that the AC perceives is wrong, or takes the wrong way while not intended that way, or hears a comment/opinion they don't like, (such as: "Apparently RSV seems pretty virulent now, we weren't able to see Larla's baby last week and won't see her till March maybe" and AC perceives that as criticizing their own parenting socializing pattern) or their spouse does the same ("I don't like the way your Mom ate everything at the buffet except MY goat cheese dates. I got her message loud and clear."), while their friends are not up for review for anything it apoears- so you mean that parents should WATCH THEIR STEP? That? Yeah. For those in their younger 20s, it's probably about expectations of financial help they expected and didn't get.
Well, probably they've learned the hard way this is a landmine game of surreal proportions with rules that keep changing without notice. Losing this game means losing one's whole family, access to grandkids, issues with sinlings in the family, love, everything. But some have also decided to set boundaries in reverse because their own mental health might be worth it. Speaking for several friends, it is devastating.

Let me preface this by saying that I'm on good terms with my adult (mid-20s) kids.

But I'm not really surprised by this. There's been a cultural wave of blaming less-than-perfect parents for unsatisfactory outcomes. Of course, let's face it, we're all less-than-perfect human beings--humans just aren't perfect--and I'm sure many of us have made mistakes. But few parents are as awful as this forum suggests, and just how far this wave has gone is underscored by OP's "problems" (parents won't pay for oos, won't buy her a Manhattan condo).

I wonder about the causes. Is this generation unused to failure and looking for people to blame besides themselves? Is it entitlement, pure and simple, that causes ACs to demand perfection in their parents? Is there some other cultural shift I'm missing? I'm truly curious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:that they need to be REALLY careful in their interactions with their late teens & early 20s kids? Seriously.

And don't forget older ACs. Do you mean as soon as there is something that the AC perceives is wrong, or takes the wrong way while not intended that way, or hears a comment/opinion they don't like, (such as: "Apparently RSV seems pretty virulent now, we weren't able to see Larla's baby last week and won't see her till March maybe" and AC perceives that as criticizing their own parenting socializing pattern) or their spouse does the same ("I don't like the way your Mom ate everything at the buffet except MY goat cheese dates. I got her message loud and clear."), while their friends are not up for review for anything it apoears- so you mean that parents should WATCH THEIR STEP? That? Yeah. For those in their younger 20s, it's probably about expectations of financial help they expected and didn't get.
Well, probably they've learned the hard way this is a landmine game of surreal proportions with rules that keep changing without notice. Losing this game means losing one's whole family, access to grandkids, issues with sinlings in the family, love, everything. But some have also decided to set boundaries in reverse because their own mental health might be worth it. Speaking for several friends, it is devastating.

Anonymous wrote:that they need to be REALLY careful in their interactions with their late teens & early 20s kids? Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:You also can't win with narcisstic adult children. And those narc think they are the victims, just as any narc does. We have no idea is OP is one of the narcs, all we know is that her examples are nuts and immature.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, my mom was emotionally abusive to me. I learned to look elsewhere (and primarily within) to fulfill my emotional needs.

I started working at 16 and haven’t stopped. My mom never gave me a penny as an adult, which was fine - I love that I support myself.

When I had kids, my mom never babysat or offered any assistance. No problem - I created a village with DH, friends and paid caregivers.

As a result of my mom’s emotional, financial and physica unavailability, I have become self sufficient and independent. I don’t need anything from her. However, it also means there’s nothing tying me to my mom. About two years ago, my mom said something particularly cruel to me over the phone. I hung up on her. She has never reached out since, nor have I. It has made absolutely no difference in my life.

Phew!! Glad for you that you created a good family for yourself. I feel similarly, I became very self sufficient and very independent, and now I understand I have to back off of that stance, not in regard to my family of origin, but in regard to my present relationships. I am unable to ask for help. Unable to understand that someone might help me. Unable to accept I won't be slandered by asking for help. It's OK, I get therapy and these realizations come along. Thanks for your post, it helped me realize the above. Also, I am cut off from my mom for 6 years now. Good decision for me but heartbreaking,. I did it many years after she showed me she did not care about me, my survival, my interests, my life.

Anonymous wrote:Really? You realize those "kids" are often being supported by their parents. I'd be fine if mine cut me off, but they will need to 100% support themselves - move out, pay for own college, health insurance, food, etc.

Anonymous wrote:Growing up, my mom was emotionally abusive to me. I learned to look elsewhere (and primarily within) to fulfill my emotional needs.

I started working at 16 and haven’t stopped. My mom never gave me a penny as an adult, which was fine - I love that I support myself.

When I had kids, my mom never babysat or offered any assistance. No problem - I created a village with DH, friends and paid caregivers.

As a result of my mom’s emotional, financial and physica unavailability, I have become self sufficient and independent. I don’t need anything from her. However, it also means there’s nothing tying me to my mom. About two years ago, my mom said something particularly cruel to me over the phone. I hung up on her. She has never reached out since, nor have I. It has made absolutely no difference in my life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't like thinking about it this transactionally, but it is weird how many parents do not seem to understand the consequences of abusive, controlling, disrespectful treatment of their kids, especially teens and college students who are close to being financially independent.

A lot of parents really fight the idea that their kids are their equals as people -- they are attached to being in control and and the top of a hierarchy and believe this dynamic will last forever. But unless you can successfully keep your children dependent on you into adulthood (which these same people will complain bitterly about, as well), your adult child can just stop visiting and returning your calls if they decide they don't like that dynamic.

So, yeah, why not just develop a mutually respectful relationship that affords both parties independence and autonomy? Seems like a no-brainer if you'd like to keep your kids in your life, have access to your grandkids, and maybe get some love and care at the end of your life.

Many people here don't understand this, because they have normal relationships with parents who saw them as people. However, for those of us who grew up in abusive and narcissistic households, where parents saw kids as extensions of themselves, who reflected glory or shame on the parents through their achievements (beauty, college admissions, grades, etc), we understand it all too well. The whole point of getting to college for me, going into debt and getting a job was to be financially independent, to get money to be able to walk away. My parents called me fat and ugly, refused to feed me dinner if I got bad grades, and gave me the silent treatment if I did badly in school or even brought home a guy they did not like - literally pretended we did not exist. There was no physical abuse, but It took me until the end of college to realize this was not how normal families behaved. This is how controlling parents behaved. It took a lot of therapy to get over this, and become a person who could move past it. But my mother remains incredibly manipulative; she hides the nasty words from outsiders, but will tell me I look like I gained weight, or question the choice of colleges for my children. She actually told me she thought they could do better and talked about her friends kids and where they were going to school. Ladle on the pressure and try to shame - yep, it never changes.

As a result, I need to limit the time I spend with my parents. They still have boundary issues -and when they started commenting on my daughter's looks and inquiring about her grades, I realized I needed to protect her. The one great thing I did in my life is I know my kids know they are loved and that I view them as their own people, not view them as extensions of myself.

Sorry for making this such a heavy post, but controlling parental behavior is very real. And sometimes mental health requires forcing a new dynamic, or else, if that doesn't work, cutting off contact.