Anonymous wrote:Is this a Jane Austen book? Where's the handsome, wealthy landowner?

Your poor kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Contact questbridge.org about College Match. they might give special consideration to DH finances as separate, and if you really earn very little, they might pay for college

Questbridge is not going to divert money from students who are genuinely low income to pay for this child's tuition.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would love to see the responses were the sexes reversed.

How many would argue that the new stepmom should foot the bill for the dude's son's college?

Virtually no one here is saying the issue is the stepdad not paying— they’re saying by marrying the stepdad OP screwed her kid out of need-based aid, and so it’s reasonable to ask the stepdad to contribute OR to do more herself. Your misogynistic hot take was not very nuanced.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened to OP?

She originally posted expecting to get sympathy and is unwilling to accept the broad consensus that she is in the wrong

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened to OP?

She originally posted expecting to get sympathy and is unwilling to accept the broad consensus that she is in the wrong

Anonymous wrote:What happened to OP?

Anonymous wrote:Isn’t this the kind of thing that can be explained on FAFSA?

If she only has access to your finances and you can’t afford the school, she should qualify for aid. I would personally encourage her to go through the whole process including admissions/aid and see where things end up. Schools are very hard to get into these days, even for ideal candidates. If she doesn’t even get in you would have saved yourself the talk.

Source: work in higher Ed elite colleges for over a decade.

Anonymous wrote:She’s a rising senior with good grades, test scores, etc. She wants to attend a $$$ private school for college. I’ve explained many times over the years that I can’t afford that. Her father and I are divorced. I struggled to make rent for a long time and didn’t have decent savings until recently. Her father lives paycheck to paycheck and is not reliable either (hence the divorce).

Here’s the part where it gets tricky. I remarried a man who makes a lot of money and he has 2 kids who are a little older than DD. They both go to the kinds of schools DD would love to attend. The thing is, we keep our finances separate and I don’t feel comfortable asking him to pay for DD’s education. I just don’t think that is appropriate given that he’s only known her a few years. He hasn’t offered either and I think he would have if he wanted to pay. He can be generous but I know he doesn’t view himself in a fatherly role wrt DD. He’s more like an uncle? Our kids were all teens or tweens when we married and neither of us took on the parenting role with the other’s children. We agreed to keep all of that as separate as possible from our relationship.

So the problem. DD does not understand any of this. I told her I have X amount of money saved and she will need to take loans out for the rest. I also advised her to strongly consider UMD because it would be a hell of a lot cheaper than any of the fancy colleges she has her eye on. She is very resentful and bitter that DH is paying for his children’s educations and not hers. I can’t get her to understand that she is being very entitled and bratty to think that he “owes” her hundreds of thousands of dollars too just because she lives with him. He already pays for our house, utilities, food, I buy her clothes with his money, etc. etc. Why does she think she deserves more?

DH’s wife also does well financially and together they’ve given their kids a lot of things I can’t give DD (the latest iPhones, cars as graduation gifts, trips abroad). Of course I understand why she is jealous but a.) she is NOT a part of their nuclear family and she must know that and b.) most teens don’t get new cars for graduation and multiple trips abroad every year. It’s just happenstance that we know these people. I can’t get her to see that how they lived prior to me and DH marrying has no bearing on DD.

How would you handle this? I’m starting to lose my patience with her. She’s been making snarky/unpleasant comments about privilege and so forth around DH and the step kids and I can see she is pushing them away with her attitude.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

I think you are repeating words your wealthy husband told you to avoid supporting your child.

You married a man a few years ago - so what - when your daughter was 14? 14 is young enough to expect a blended family to be an actual family. The deal you made with your husband sucks and Your daughter is paying the price. If you wanted to live separate financial lives, you should have not gotten married. Your daughter likely would find it easier to get aid. You should be mature enough to understand you made a choice that really sucks for her. You married a man that has no desire to be her father.

NP -- These three comments above very insightful. She is not fully part of either family unit -- OP's with a step-dad and kids her age who are essentially living a different lifestyle, or her Dad's, in which her half siblings also seem to be living a somewhat different lifestyles. Two families, which are rich in comparison to her and her prospects, each one with one of her parents, and she's doesnt fully belong to either.

And it isnt just "happenstance." OP made decisions (whom she married and whatever agreements they made about how they would handle money) that benefit herself yet penalize her DD's ability to pay for college (she could have qualified for aid if the OP wasnt married to a well-off DH).

So the daughter is lashing out at the unfairness of it all (and that her mother wont even ask her husband for a small contribution). And OP is worried about her daughter "permanently" damaging her relationship with her step-sisters and about being embarrassed in front of her new rich family. (as yes, the daughter has undoubtedly picked-up on that as well). The part that probably hurts her the most is that the OP wont even try doesnt have to be full tuition, but a even a contribution would feel like someone cared.

+1

OP, I hope you are still reading this thread and reflecting on the other points of view being expressed. It’s deeply troubling that you saw no problem with putting your DD in a situation at age 12 where she is treated like a second class citizen in her own home and expected to be grateful for it. While it may only be “a few years” in the scheme of your life, by the time your DD graduates high school, she will have spent a third of her life living with her stepdad. (My own mom remarried when I was 12. My bio dad and my stepdad each paid for half of my college.)

If you and your DH were to divorce, would your attitude be “oh well, we’ve always kept our finances separate. I guess it’s time to go back to pinching pennies and barely get by.” I’m guessing you would view his money as your money and go after half.

You should really let your DH know that you’ve done some reflecting and think DD has been treated unfairly. Show him this thread. I think you may still have time to repair the relationship if you care to.

If OP signed a prenup, then yes. I’m guessing she did because she keeps saying they’ve already discussed and agreed that he would not make any big lurches or settlements on her kid.

I have to say, I’m really baffled by the responses in here. It’s not surprising to me at all that this guy does not want to pay for the daughters education at a school like Williams or Vassar and thinks UMD is good enough. She’s not his kid! And he came into her life when she was already a teenager.

Also not surprising to me that Mom knows step dad doesn’t want to pay and so doesn’t want to Rick the boat.

It’s all very cut and dried.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Start by being more sympathetic with your daughter. Out of her half and step siblings, mom, dad, step non, and step dad looks like she is the only one who suffers financially.

OP here. I am sympathetic and have told her that many times. But I don’t know what else I can do for her. She’s 17. I’m feeling like a failure as a parent given how she’s been acting ever since we had the official college talk. She told one of her step sisters that she only got into a prestigious liberal arts college because she’s a legacy, full pay, her father made donations to get her into a fancy private high school, etc. I felt sick when I heard about that. She’s going to ruin her relationship with them if she keeps going on this way. She should be mature enough to understand that she has no entitlement to her step fathers money.

I think you are repeating words your wealthy husband told you to avoid supporting your child.

You married a man a few years ago - so what - when your daughter was 14? 14 is young enough to expect a blended family to be an actual family. The deal you made with your husband sucks and Your daughter is paying the price. If you wanted to live separate financial lives, you should have not gotten married. Your daughter likely would find it easier to get aid. You should be mature enough to understand you made a choice that really sucks for her. You married a man that has no desire to be her father.

NP -- These three comments above very insightful. She is not fully part of either family unit -- OP's with a step-dad and kids her age who are essentially living a different lifestyle, or her Dad's, in which her half siblings also seem to be living a somewhat different lifestyles. Two families, which are rich in comparison to her and her prospects, each one with one of her parents, and she's doesnt fully belong to either.

And it isnt just "happenstance." OP made decisions (whom she married and whatever agreements they made about how they would handle money) that benefit herself yet penalize her DD's ability to pay for college (she could have qualified for aid if the OP wasnt married to a well-off DH).

So the daughter is lashing out at the unfairness of it all (and that her mother wont even ask her husband for a small contribution). And OP is worried about her daughter "permanently" damaging her relationship with her step-sisters and about being embarrassed in front of her new rich family. (as yes, the daughter has undoubtedly picked-up on that as well). The part that probably hurts her the most is that the OP wont even try doesnt have to be full tuition, but a even a contribution would feel like someone cared.

+1

OP, I hope you are still reading this thread and reflecting on the other points of view being expressed. It’s deeply troubling that you saw no problem with putting your DD in a situation at age 12 where she is treated like a second class citizen in her own home and expected to be grateful for it. While it may only be “a few years” in the scheme of your life, by the time your DD graduates high school, she will have spent a third of her life living with her stepdad. (My own mom remarried when I was 12. My bio dad and my stepdad each paid for half of my college.)

If you and your DH were to divorce, would your attitude be “oh well, we’ve always kept our finances separate. I guess it’s time to go back to pinching pennies and barely get by.” I’m guessing you would view his money as your money and go after half.

You should really let your DH know that you’ve done some reflecting and think DD has been treated unfairly. Show him this thread. I think you may still have time to repair the relationship if you care to.