Reply to Closed Adoption and found the birth mother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wow-- this thread is riveting. It is definitely a reflection of the changing face of unplanned pregnancy in this country.

The days of unmarried women giving up an infant for adoption due only to the "shame of unwed pregnancy" are long gone. Most children put up for adoption now are because of neglect and or some sort of trauma in the birth mother's life (rape, etc.).

My cousin is adopted, and finding/meeting her birth family has been a mixed bag. Her birth parents have a host of issues (both are violent with addiction issues, rape, etc.). Siblings have a host of these issues as well after suffering trauma. There is nobody in her immediate birth family (parents and siblings -- she is the youngest and most of her siblings were raised by her birth parents-- that she wants to have a relationship with). There is just too much dysfunction.

On the plus side, she has found a couple of bio relatives in the extended family and has a meaningful relationship with them. She says she does not regret this journey of finding her birth family.

OP, if you are still reading these posts. I think you should encourage your sister to seek a therapist. Having her birth family send her these messages must have been devastating (I don't agree with your sister's approach, but I do agree with you that what they said to her was unnecessarily cruel-- hopefully given time to reflect they will eventually reach out and apologize.) I'm sure your sister could use some professional help to work through the feelings.

You are a good sister, and it sounds like your instincts regarding the situation are right. Be there to listen.

I know two couples who have no intention of telling their children they are the product of sperm/egg donors.  I imagine there are many other couples who have not considered the ramifications of 23&Me etc. in whether they should tell children about donor eggs/sperm.[/quote]

I’m really confused about parts of your post.

This was a CLOSED adoption. The mother was adamant about not being contacted. What makes it okay that the adoptee decided unilaterally to contact other people in the family? I’d say all the cues were there that this was not a negotiable or  open situation.

They owe her no apology. She inserted herself where it was already clear she wasn’t welcome.

I do agree with therapy. She needs to learn to be happy with her reality, like the rest of us. [/quote]

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