Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let's see here.

Closed adoption.

Birth mother adamant she not be contacted.


I don't see any reason for misunderstanding here.

Your sister needs to leave them all alone.

Most were closed. Many were at the behest of the mother's family who were embarrassed. Nope, she is entitled to know everything about her birth, who she is related to, and anything pertinent. She is not entitled to a relationship, though.
Your "misunderstanding" is that she was not a puppy to be sold. She deserves ALL information regardless of archaic laws. You are sorely misunderstood.

So get an order for medical information and leave them alone.

You cannot force someone to share their life story.

I met a woman, an adult adoptee. She insisted on pushing through, finding birth mom and getting her answers. Who is bio dad and why adoption? Who are the rest of my family? Well, bio dad is the S.O.B who kidnapped and raped bio mom. Not long after the adoptee got the answers she felt entitled to, bio mom killed herself. Now the adoptee has no answers. Her half siblings would have nothing to do with her. They knew nothing until she showed up.

Leave people alone when they have no interest. You have no clue what you could be dredging up.

This. Sister has no right to anything beyond that, if she even has that. Comparing adopted to kids to puppies, by the way, is disgusting.

Sure, it does sound disgusting, doesn't it? And yet, that is how children were processed. You got it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, but real life isn't like a TV show...we can see from reality shows that they aren't anything close to reality. Most adoptees are not looking for a family. They only want to know the circumstances of their birth, who they look like, their heritage and ethnicity. There is little else that can happen and they know that. Esoteric examples of stalking, harrassment, etc., are not a reality in this paradigm at all. There has been a lot of research on this. Overwhelmingly, these folks are just claiming their biological right, not their social right. For every example that is given regarding someone who has trespassed inappropriately, there is an equal example of a birth mother who has also trespassed after adoption, and yet both scenarios do not represent the actual situation by any critical percentage. The laws were not designed to protect the birth mothers, but the adoptive parents- so they can raise the children without fear. But none of this matters when that child is an adult. The parent or sibling of the original birth family absolutely cannot claim sole proprietary ownership of a biological heritage for generations to come. It is not theirs to own. There are the children and grandchildren and so on of that adopted child that are affected.

This is really spot on, especially the part about how it's very rare for the adoptee to cross inappropriate boundaries into the bio families' life.

You have no way of gauging this. Inappropriate contact may be any contact at all. It’s not fair to claim an adoptee’s “right” to know who they look like trumps the desire for privacy of the parent who made the decision to put their child up for adoption.

The adoptee's right to know does trump the parent's right to privacy. Having a baby is not private because it's not fair to make a person be a secret. It's not fair and now it's not even possible if the adoptee doesn't want to keep the secrete. I completely understand why that means women might be more likely to have an abortion than to place a baby for adoption. Personally, I would probably pick abortion over adoption.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, but real life isn't like a TV show...we can see from reality shows that they aren't anything close to reality. Most adoptees are not looking for a family. They only want to know the circumstances of their birth, who they look like, their heritage and ethnicity. There is little else that can happen and they know that. Esoteric examples of stalking, harrassment, etc., are not a reality in this paradigm at all. There has been a lot of research on this. Overwhelmingly, these folks are just claiming their biological right, not their social right. For every example that is given regarding someone who has trespassed inappropriately, there is an equal example of a birth mother who has also trespassed after adoption, and yet both scenarios do not represent the actual situation by any critical percentage. The laws were not designed to protect the birth mothers, but the adoptive parents- so they can raise the children without fear. But none of this matters when that child is an adult. The parent or sibling of the original birth family absolutely cannot claim sole proprietary ownership of a biological heritage for generations to come. It is not theirs to own. There are the children and grandchildren and so on of that adopted child that are affected.

This is really spot on, especially the part about how it's very rare for the adoptee to cross inappropriate boundaries into the bio families' life.

You have no way of gauging this. Inappropriate contact may be any contact at all. It’s not fair to claim an adoptee’s “right” to know who they look like trumps the desire for privacy of the parent who made the decision to put their child up for adoption.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, but real life isn't like a TV show...we can see from reality shows that they aren't anything close to reality. Most adoptees are not looking for a family. They only want to know the circumstances of their birth, who they look like, their heritage and ethnicity. There is little else that can happen and they know that. Esoteric examples of stalking, harrassment, etc., are not a reality in this paradigm at all. There has been a lot of research on this. Overwhelmingly, these folks are just claiming their biological right, not their social right. For every example that is given regarding someone who has trespassed inappropriately, there is an equal example of a birth mother who has also trespassed after adoption, and yet both scenarios do not represent the actual situation by any critical percentage. The laws were not designed to protect the birth mothers, but the adoptive parents- so they can raise the children without fear. But none of this matters when that child is an adult. The parent or sibling of the original birth family absolutely cannot claim sole proprietary ownership of a biological heritage for generations to come. It is not theirs to own. There are the children and grandchildren and so on of that adopted child that are affected.

This is really spot on, especially the part about how it's very rare for the adoptee to cross inappropriate boundaries into the bio families' life.

Anonymous wrote:I’m curious as to why the needs of the adoptee “trump” (direct quote) the need of the parent?

Isn’t this a matter of perspective?

Anonymous wrote:

Yes, but real life isn't like a TV show...we can see from reality shows that they aren't anything close to reality. Most adoptees are not looking for a family. They only want to know the circumstances of their birth, who they look like, their heritage and ethnicity. There is little else that can happen and they know that. Esoteric examples of stalking, harrassment, etc., are not a reality in this paradigm at all. There has been a lot of research on this. Overwhelmingly, these folks are just claiming their biological right, not their social right. For every example that is given regarding someone who has trespassed inappropriately, there is an equal example of a birth mother who has also trespassed after adoption, and yet both scenarios do not represent the actual situation by any critical percentage. The laws were not designed to protect the birth mothers, but the adoptive parents- so they can raise the children without fear. But none of this matters when that child is an adult. The parent or sibling of the original birth family absolutely cannot claim sole proprietary ownership of a biological heritage for generations to come. It is not theirs to own. There are the children and grandchildren and so on of that adopted child that are affected.

Anonymous wrote:

Because I want to think of my parents how I remember them and wouldn't want to know about an affair or whatnot.

What makes them have no claim to inheritance? The fact that they were adopted by someone else?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brothers girlfriend gave up a child about 15 years ago. She was 15 at the time. I wonder what will happen in a few years but my horrible racist mom definitely would not be kind to the child if she was contacted (child was mixed race). I don’t know if my brother had told his wife but I’d assume so. I still do not know how accepting they’d be as they are trump supporters.

Also what would she want from us? We don’t have any known medical stuff on our side (except maybe some mental issues bc trumpers). If we don’t have info nor want a relationship what else is there? Money?

After watching the TV shows, the adoptees want the family stories, compare pictures of themselves, they want to come for Christmas dinners and be included in family events (maybe more like a cousin than a sibling though). They are looking for a second set of parents. I think most kids dream of having these fantastic parents out there who will love them more. All of it seems kind of delusional.

I wonder if egg donors are going to run into the same issues.

Anonymous wrote:Wow-- this thread is riveting. It is definitely a reflection of the changing face of unplanned pregnancy in this country.

The days of unmarried women giving up an infant for adoption due only to the "shame of unwed pregnancy" are long gone. Most children put up for adoption now are because of neglect and or some sort of trauma in the birth mother's life (rape, etc.).

My cousin is adopted, and finding/meeting her birth family has been a mixed bag. Her birth parents have a host of issues (both are violent with addiction issues, rape, etc.). Siblings have a host of these issues as well after suffering trauma. There is nobody in her immediate birth family (parents and siblings -- she is the youngest and most of her siblings were raised by her birth parents-- that she wants to have a relationship with). There is just too much dysfunction.

On the plus side, she has found a couple of bio relatives in the extended family and has a meaningful relationship with them. She says she does not regret this journey of finding her birth family.

OP, if you are still reading these posts. I think you should encourage your sister to seek a therapist. Having her birth family send her these messages must have been devastating (I don't agree with your sister's approach, but I do agree with you that what they said to her was unnecessarily cruel-- hopefully given time to reflect they will eventually reach out and apologize.) I'm sure your sister could use some professional help to work through the feelings.

You are a good sister, and it sounds like your instincts regarding the situation are right. Be there to listen.

I know two couples who have no intention of telling their children they are the product of sperm/egg donors. I imagine there are many other couples who have not considered the ramifications of 23&Me etc. in whether they should tell children about donor eggs/sperm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow-- this thread is riveting. It is definitely a reflection of the changing face of unplanned pregnancy in this country.

The days of unmarried women giving up an infant for adoption due only to the "shame of unwed pregnancy" are long gone. Most children put up for adoption now are because of neglect and or some sort of trauma in the birth mother's life (rape, etc.).

My cousin is adopted, and finding/meeting her birth family has been a mixed bag. Her birth parents have a host of issues (both are violent with addiction issues, rape, etc.). Siblings have a host of these issues as well after suffering trauma. There is nobody in her immediate birth family (parents and siblings -- she is the youngest and most of her siblings were raised by her birth parents-- that she wants to have a relationship with). There is just too much dysfunction.

On the plus side, she has found a couple of bio relatives in the extended family and has a meaningful relationship with them. She says she does not regret this journey of finding her birth family.

OP, if you are still reading these posts. I think you should encourage your sister to seek a therapist. Having her birth family send her these messages must have been devastating (I don't agree with your sister's approach, but I do agree with you that what they said to her was unnecessarily cruel-- hopefully given time to reflect they will eventually reach out and apologize.) I'm sure your sister could use some professional help to work through the feelings.

You are a good sister, and it sounds like your instincts regarding the situation are right. Be there to listen.

I know two couples who have no intention of telling their children they are the product of sperm/egg donors. I imagine there are many other couples who have not considered the ramifications of 23&Me etc. in whether they should tell children about donor eggs/sperm.

Is it "shame" though that made them give the babies up? I knew girls who gave babies up for adoption. They didn't want to raise the babies themselves and thought it was better than abortion. They weren't shamed into it and their families were on board. I know I wouldn't have wanted to raise a baby as a teen without a husband.

Anonymous wrote:Wow-- this thread is riveting. It is definitely a reflection of the changing face of unplanned pregnancy in this country.

The days of unmarried women giving up an infant for adoption due only to the "shame of unwed pregnancy" are long gone. Most children put up for adoption now are because of neglect and or some sort of trauma in the birth mother's life (rape, etc.).

My cousin is adopted, and finding/meeting her birth family has been a mixed bag. Her birth parents have a host of issues (both are violent with addiction issues, rape, etc.). Siblings have a host of these issues as well after suffering trauma. There is nobody in her immediate birth family (parents and siblings -- she is the youngest and most of her siblings were raised by her birth parents-- that she wants to have a relationship with). There is just too much dysfunction.

On the plus side, she has found a couple of bio relatives in the extended family and has a meaningful relationship with them. She says she does not regret this journey of finding her birth family.

OP, if you are still reading these posts. I think you should encourage your sister to seek a therapist. Having her birth family send her these messages must have been devastating (I don't agree with your sister's approach, but I do agree with you that what they said to her was unnecessarily cruel-- hopefully given time to reflect they will eventually reach out and apologize.) I'm sure your sister could use some professional help to work through the feelings.

You are a good sister, and it sounds like your instincts regarding the situation are right. Be there to listen.

I know two couples who have no intention of telling their children they are the product of sperm/egg donors. I imagine there are many other couples who have not considered the ramifications of 23&Me etc. in whether they should tell children about donor eggs/sperm.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brothers girlfriend gave up a child about 15 years ago. She was 15 at the time. I wonder what will happen in a few years but my horrible racist mom definitely would not be kind to the child if she was contacted (child was mixed race). I don’t know if my brother had told his wife but I’d assume so. I still do not know how accepting they’d be as they are trump supporters.

Also what would she want from us? We don’t have any known medical stuff on our side (except maybe some mental issues bc trumpers). If we don’t have info nor want a relationship what else is there? Money?