Reply to My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :("

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a fascinating cultural difference for me. It was a huge event when our parents, or other relatives, visited. We never expected them to do anything, beyond visiting. I can't imagine being so angry and hurt that they came to visit a newborn for two hours.[/quote]

I can understand OP is hurt because she is comparing her parents to her in-laws, so she feels like her parents are letting her down.  But, as they say, comparison is the thief of joy.   [/quote]

You are saying your would only visit your newborn grandkids for two hours then go on vacation for a week? How would that make your children feel?[/quote]

Like their parents were people with independent lives who loved them enough to come to the hospital when their kids were born. You’re a greedy whiner. Are you looking forward to being a full time domestic servant for your old children the minute they have kids, saving all your money to give to them? I sure hope so. [/quote]

Grandparents benefit their grandkids and grandkids benefit grandparents. Active and involved grandparents live longer and face slower decline (google the scientific studies). have you heard of the grandmother effect? Parenthood with grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc. is the natural way of life, in a societies that don’t aim to create a worker bee out of every person for as long as humanly possible. Don’t make OP feel crazy because she feels something is off.  Maybe the grandparents never really liked parenting either or they bought into the self-centered lifestyle that seems prevalent in this thread. [/quote]

100% agree with this. Being involved in your grandkids lives does not mean engaging in unpaid childcare or sacrificing your own happiness. If you were an engaged and committed parent, loving and investing in your grandkids will feel like a natural and rewarding extension of that experience. Supporting the children you raised in being parents themselves (not doing it for them but being supportive and present in their lives as they enter that stage) is also a natural extension of a positive parent-child relationship.

When I see grandparents who are checked out and disinterested in their grandchildren, often saying things like "I already raised my kids, it's your turn," or prioritizing non-family relationships over relationships with kids and grandkids, I find these are also often people who didn't enjoy parenting in the first place. They talk about grandkids as a way to punish or get back at their own kids for having been... kids. With needs. They viewed parenting as thankless and unrewarding and want their children to have a similarly thankless and unrewarding experience so that they may feel validated. It's a pettiness and smallness that likely stems from having kids out of obligation and without passion or commitment. It is immaturity and selfishness.

Also the involved grandparents I know also all have hobbies and their own lives. They go on vacations (without kids or grandkids), have other friends, take care of their health, etc. And their kids also facilitate this, caring for them and providing help. And as their grandkids get older, they also provide this helper role. When everyone is self-aware and secure, and the relationships are functional, none of this feels like work or obligation. It's just caring for those who mean the most to you.

OP is fortunate to have that in her ILs, but I'm sure it's sad to learn her own parents/family isn't functional in that way. That would make me sad too. But all she can do is embrace the involved grandparents and seek to create a similar pattern between her and her kids so that they will not experience that same sadness or disappointment later on.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics