Reply to My Parents Are Useless: In-laws Are Great :(

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This is a fascinating cultural difference for me. It was a huge event when our parents, or other relatives, visited. We never expected them to do anything, beyond visiting. I can't imagine being so angry and hurt that they came to visit a newborn for two hours.[/quote]

I can understand OP is hurt because she is comparing her parents to her in-laws, so she feels like her parents are letting her down.  But, as they say, comparison is the thief of joy.   [/quote]

You are saying your would only visit your newborn grandkids for two hours then go on vacation for a week? How would that make your children feel?[/quote]

Like their parents were people with independent lives who loved them enough to come to the hospital when their kids were born. You’re a greedy whiner. Are you looking forward to being a full time domestic servant for your old children the minute they have kids, saving all your money to give to them? I sure hope so. [/quote]

Grandparents benefit their grandkids and grandkids benefit grandparents. Active and involved grandparents live longer and face slower decline (google the scientific studies). have you heard of the grandmother effect? Parenthood with grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc. is the natural way of life, in a societies that don’t aim to create a worker bee out of every person for as long as humanly possible. Don’t make OP feel crazy because she feels something is off.  Maybe the grandparents never really liked parenting either or they bought into the self-centered lifestyle that seems prevalent in this thread. [/quote]

But where do the parents fit in your system? Here the OP is complaining that her parents don't cook nor clean, didn't stay to take care of her children for a 2-week business trip, didn't stay to take care of her after birth... and in fact the ILs are cooking and cleaning and changing diapers because she's busy working. Seems that she expects the grandmothers to do the mother's job. And what does the father do? Not once is the father mentioned in this thread, it's as if he doesn't exist, just his parents who are busy hovering over everybody. It's as if the parents want someone else to do their job, so that they'd not have to do it. [/quote]

I don't really think it works this way. I think in healthy involved families people want to be together. As a result they want to help out because that's what we do as humans. We might come by every Sunday and spend the day talking and cooking and playing some with the kids. Living life. Chores are a part of it I assume but also just hanging out. The idea is that you come and you spend the day with them or you are available 2 nights a week and you come and you spend dinner with your family. Or your family with the baby comes to you and does the same. Maybe they are helping you with your faucet or something. Help go through the basement clutter. What is so weird to me is that people of any age want to spend life with others but don't ever want to do any work with each other. Isn't work just part of life that can be enjoyed by doing it together? Are we so warped that work is the enemy after living in a capitalistic society that we can't see this basic reality? So we all do our own work and never spend time together. Makes sense in a warped society I guess.[/quote]

Ideally adults should be self-sufficient. What you describe might somewhat work, if people all get along, if you live near-by in the same village/town/city and are enmeshed/co-dependent. Most people don't, they live at a distance and see each other infrequently. They live far from each other because that's where their work, interests, schooling, spouse has taken them. Meaning, when you then see each other (say 2-3 times a year), you don't want to do another person's household chores. Also, you sound young. By middle-age most people get tired of solving other people's problems as they have their own plates full. An adult who constantly needs help with basic daily functioning has not really matured and instead of help (i.e. enabling) may need mental health counseling or other help to actually teach those chores (like we teach kids how to brush their teeth). I personally don't have time nor desire to go through my adult child's basement clutter and I don't know anyone who does. I also don't expect my adult child to deal with my basement clutter, and if I would ask, they would certainly refuse. I'm also just about to call a repairman to fix my faucet as none of us a plumbers. Most people I know want to spend time pleasantly over a good meal and laughs, maybe some sightseeing and travel, and certainly not cleaning their relative's basement over the weekend. In fact you sound completely ridiculous with your expectations. [/quote]

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