Reply to Why are people here so averse to pushing their kids?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]From your post, OP, it sounds like you have one dc? If so, and I am not being unkind, but your sample of one is really hard to use as a claim that pushing works.

I have two dc and they are so different! Same with friends and family. As an older parent, I will say that what we think is our parenting ( short of abuse, neglect, etc) is nature so don’t take all the credit😀 Most of what kids do and or become is nature.

One dc you push might fight, withdraw, do drugs, suicide. Another may comply and you think it’s your parenting.

Observe their strengths, recognize weaknesses.  model and show respect, relay importance of them to meet obligations/ commitments, require home keeping and family support starting with small tasks, and provide empathy and leeway when they faulter.

This idea of must get As, must take most rigorous only works if child is capable and wants it. It is not you. Also remember life is long!

One example, one dc truly musically gifted. They asked for lessons and thrived. At some point in early teen years we fought about practice time, teacher disappointed as wanted more. However, I knew that dc just loved music and their adult self would be so happy that they could play their instrument. So I let perfection go, I told teacher to let  their talent go ( as they did not want it for performance) and accepted less than what was required for practice.

Fast forward to dc22 yr old self who relaxes by playing instrument. [b]If we had pushed, they would have stopped at 14 and the previous ten years would have been wasted.[/b]

Lastly, my parents modeled hard work but never pushed. I pushed myself and turned out great😀[/quote]

you don't know this.[/quote]

I think PP has about a 95% chance of being correct, and correct or not, there was the additional risk of a rupture in the relationship. Being constantly told you have to give more and more and more because you have talent, when you are perfectly content where you are, doesn't really endear you to your parent. [/quote]

+1 and especially when the activity you might be breaking the relationship for is a hobby like music or sports. I can, maybe, depending on circumstances, see the value in the higher bar for academics (assuming the bar is achievable and the kid buys into it), but what is the end game in forcing a kid to do so much of a hobby that they come to hate it. Do adults want other people berating then for not doing their hobbies at an acceptably rigorous level? Would you want your husband telling you it's not ok to just go for a run each evening, you have to run a marathon?

My 17 yr old DD is a really good artist. She's taken occasional art classes over the years including a few years in MS at a pretty serious art camp. She loves it as a private activity and is a big source of stress relief. She does not want to take art classes at school and never entered anything on a competition. But, she spends at least an hour every day drawing/painting and brings her talent into projects in other classes when possible. So, following her own bliss, this is something that makes her happy and enriches other parts of her life.

But, OP's mindset would suggest that I should insist that she MUST develop this talent on a schedule/intensity that I impose. Make her go to lessons, give up a school class slot for art, tell her she's letting me down if she doesn't get pieces accepted in competitions. All for an end game of what? Really, what is the goal here? She doesn't want a career in art and surely if she did that is a road that really needs to be self-driven. I'm glad she has a hobby she enjoys and because she enjoys it and has figured out how to fit it in her life in a way that she can do it forever.

Too many parents seem to value hobbies only as college application items, conveying the idea that it is the only reason to do these things. This is reinforced by the fact that many adults don't spend time on hobbies. So they aren't modeling the value of doing things just for joy.[/quote]

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