Reply to S/O Has demanding sex ever actually worked for anyone?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?[/quote]

+1.  I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.[/quote]

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation. [/quote]

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex. 
[/quote]

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.  [/quote]

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.[/quote]

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time. 
[/quote]

That's just an old trope. The best sex I ever had was with men I would never marry because they weren't compatible with me in one or more major ways. Because I didn't care what they thought of my sexual desires, I could relax and be myself. Too much emotion caught up in a marriage to have a great sex life if you're inherently not compatible in that department.[/quote]

It sounds like you don’t trust your husband.  Are you afraid that he is going to make fun of you?  Think badly of you?  You would really rather never have great sex again than tell your husband your sexual desires?  
[/quote]

My husband is a repressed former Catholic. I told him two of the things I like, and he rejected both of them and in fact responded with a cutting comment, "I tried X activity in the early days of our dating, and you said no. Why all of a sudden do you want it now?" And the second thing he just didn't respond to in any way.  I trust that he won't tell anyone what I like - nothing I've told him is that unusual anyway - but I don't feel like being open and vulnerable to someone who doesn't make me feel safe, much less encouraging about what I really like.[/quote]

Ouch.  I follow you.  (Although, as a practicing Catholic, I want to say that plenty of us are having good sex!). 
I am not that poster, but I stand by her statement that that familiarity + love + trust = good sex.  But if you don’t love or trust anyone, then of course you would rather be with a stranger.  Because familiarity without love and trust = fear and shame, and feeling *nothing* is better than feeling ashamed.

No wonder so many women stop having sex with their partners.  
[/quote]

The familiarity + love + trust = good sex formula works for most women but that doesn’t mean that novelty can’t also be really good for some women! We are truly all different.

Also, OP with the repressed catholic husband: are you having sex with him but never having an orgasm? Personally I wouldn’t be okay with that. Your situation sucks either way but if he is getting off every time and you never are that sounds extremely depressing. [/quote]

DP here. I think the woman with the repressed husband doesn’t have a problem with that formula not working for her but that the formula is actually being proved true. She doesn’t feel truly loved by her husband, so she doesn’t fully trust him, so they’re not having good sex.

It is very likely that most of the men on here complaining that their wives don’t want to have sex with them are in marriages where their spouses don’t really feel loved by them, and therefore don’t feel that deep sense of trust that can lead to good sex.

Honestly, some of the men here have written of their wives in such a disparaging and contemptuous manner that I don’t see how their wives can’t sense those feelings. Why would anyone feel desire for someone who holds them in contempt?[/quote]

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