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Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

That's just an old trope. The best sex I ever had was with men I would never marry because they weren't compatible with me in one or more major ways. Because I didn't care what they thought of my sexual desires, I could relax and be myself. Too much emotion caught up in a marriage to have a great sex life if you're inherently not compatible in that department.

It sounds like you don’t trust your husband. Are you afraid that he is going to make fun of you? Think badly of you? You would really rather never have great sex again than tell your husband your sexual desires?

My husband is a repressed former Catholic. I told him two of the things I like, and he rejected both of them and in fact responded with a cutting comment, "I tried X activity in the early days of our dating, and you said no. Why all of a sudden do you want it now?" And the second thing he just didn't respond to in any way. I trust that he won't tell anyone what I like - nothing I've told him is that unusual anyway - but I don't feel like being open and vulnerable to someone who doesn't make me feel safe, much less encouraging about what I really like.

Ouch. I follow you. (Although, as a practicing Catholic, I want to say that plenty of us are having good sex!).
I am not that poster, but I stand by her statement that that familiarity + love + trust = good sex. But if you don’t love or trust anyone, then of course you would rather be with a stranger. Because familiarity without love and trust = fear and shame, and feeling *nothing* is better than feeling ashamed.

No wonder so many women stop having sex with their partners.

The familiarity + love + trust = good sex formula works for most women but that doesn’t mean that novelty can’t also be really good for some women! We are truly all different.

Also, OP with the repressed catholic husband: are you having sex with him but never having an orgasm? Personally I wouldn’t be okay with that. Your situation sucks either way but if he is getting off every time and you never are that sounds extremely depressing.

DP here. I think the woman with the repressed husband doesn’t have a problem with that formula not working for her but that the formula is actually being proved true. She doesn’t feel truly loved by her husband, so she doesn’t fully trust him, so they’re not having good sex.

It is very likely that most of the men on here complaining that their wives don’t want to have sex with them are in marriages where their spouses don’t really feel loved by them, and therefore don’t feel that deep sense of trust that can lead to good sex.

Honestly, some of the men here have written of their wives in such a disparaging and contemptuous manner that I don’t see how their wives can’t sense those feelings. Why would anyone feel desire for someone who holds them in contempt?

Anonymous wrote:

It is hilarious how people, men and women, act like being married to these totally mediocre men is the pinnacle of our existence.

Then divorce for God’s sake if that’s how you feel about your own husband.

NP. I did divorce my mediocre husband. Zero regrets, I don’t do ultimatums.

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It is hilarious how people, men and women, act like being married to these totally mediocre men is the pinnacle of our existence.

Then divorce for God’s sake if that’s how you feel about your own husband.

Lucky for me my husband isn’t remotely mediocre, but still, my marriage is just one (amazing) facet of my life, not something I would sacrifice my happiness and dignity for.

It is hilarious how people, men and women, act like being married to these totally mediocre men is the pinnacle of our existence.

Then divorce for God’s sake if that’s how you feel about your own husband.

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Anonymous wrote:If you can't perform your wifely duties with enthusiasm and energy, you don't deserve to be a wife. In this case divorce is good for both sides.

Lol. Because being your wife is such a privilege

It is hilarious how people, men and women, act like being married to these totally mediocre men is the pinnacle of our existence.

PP I don’t care what your kids or those ignorant young women you are dating think, being married to you would be a punishment for anybody. Good husbands don’t say crap like this.

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Anonymous wrote:If you can't perform your wifely duties with enthusiasm and energy, you don't deserve to be a wife. In this case divorce is good for both sides.

Lol. Because being your wife is such a privilege

Nobody said it was. She's welcome to stay or leave. Her presence is not missed. My kids like me more and I date younger women freely.

We once had a sexless marriage due to my wife being uninterested. I gave her a loving ultimatum. We now have sex twice per week. If not then we would have divorced. I’m glad it worked out well for us both, but I was not bluffing and I would not stay (faithful) in a sexless or low sex marriage. Sorry but I am a normal healthy man and I need regular sex.

Anonymous wrote:If you can't perform your wifely duties with enthusiasm and energy, you don't deserve to be a wife. In this case divorce is good for both sides.

Lol. Because being your wife is such a privilege

If you can't perform your wifely duties with enthusiasm and energy, you don't deserve to be a wife. In this case divorce is good for both sides.

Yes. I just want it over with. Usually takes 17 minutes. He has no clue what good sex is. Tried to show him, tell him. He's a victim of porn being the standard. Took me years to understand some of his issues. Won't go to counselling, won't talk to me about it.

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Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

That's just an old trope. The best sex I ever had was with men I would never marry because they weren't compatible with me in one or more major ways. Because I didn't care what they thought of my sexual desires, I could relax and be myself. Too much emotion caught up in a marriage to have a great sex life if you're inherently not compatible in that department.

It sounds like you don’t trust your husband. Are you afraid that he is going to make fun of you? Think badly of you? You would really rather never have great sex again than tell your husband your sexual desires?

My husband is a repressed former Catholic. I told him two of the things I like, and he rejected both of them and in fact responded with a cutting comment, "I tried X activity in the early days of our dating, and you said no. Why all of a sudden do you want it now?" And the second thing he just didn't respond to in any way. I trust that he won't tell anyone what I like - nothing I've told him is that unusual anyway - but I don't feel like being open and vulnerable to someone who doesn't make me feel safe, much less encouraging about what I really like.

Ouch. I follow you. (Although, as a practicing Catholic, I want to say that plenty of us are having good sex!).
I am not that poster, but I stand by her statement that that familiarity + love + trust = good sex. But if you don’t love or trust anyone, then of course you would rather be with a stranger. Because familiarity without love and trust = fear and shame, and feeling *nothing* is better than feeling ashamed.

No wonder so many women stop having sex with their partners.

The familiarity + love + trust = good sex formula works for most women but that doesn’t mean that novelty can’t also be really good for some women! We are truly all different.

Also, OP with the repressed catholic husband: are you having sex with him but never having an orgasm? Personally I wouldn’t be okay with that. Your situation sucks either way but if he is getting off every time and you never are that sounds extremely depressing.

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Anonymous wrote:These comments are sad. A lot of women don’t know what we want sexually because we are conditioned from young ages to prioritize the man’s satisfaction. Our general definition of sex is basically a man having an O. We don’t focus a lot on our own pleasure and are often quite detached from it, especially if we grew up in a culture that wasn’t sex-positive for girls. I think if we could just learn, without shame, more about our own bodies and what kinds of situations are best for our pleasure, it would be better for marriages but more importantly for us.

I definitely think women don't know what they want sexually, should focus on that, and should communicate what they want. I'm not sure I agree that women are conditioned to prioritize what men want sexually. I'm a data point of one, but I don't know that I've ever experienced a woman being all that focused on my sexual satisfaction. I think a lot of men have the same experience as me. I think women are shamed and taught to be reticent about sex, so they really aren't prioritizing anyone's sexual satisfaction -- his or hers.

What do you mean by “all that focused” on your sexual satisfaction? Do they think about sex as an activity that always involves *your* orgasm? If so, how is that not focusing on your sexual satisfaction?

Also, maybe you have had bad luck, but maybe you could consider trying to be a better sexual partner. I feel like for most women, maybe even for most people, enthusiasm is contagious.

But still, if sex for your partner always includes your orgasm, that is a focus on your sexual satisfaction.

I mean that in most of my sexual encounters, I've been the active one - focused on my pleasure and hers. The women have been fairly passive. They seemed to enjoy what I was doing to them, but they tended not to be taking much initiative for either their pleasure or mine.

I know that’s what you mean. Men think a woman isn’t all focused on their sexual pleasure if they aren’t enthusiastic. What I am saying is that our society’s very definition of sex includes a male orgasm but not a female one. That is how both men and women are conditioned to prioritize male pleasure.

If those women consented to have sex with you and you had an orgasm they were focused on your pleasure and statistically speaking they would have still called it okay sex even if they hadn’t had an orgasm.

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Anonymous wrote:Other way around. I told DH that we weren't having enough sex. While he seemed content and with little interest, I was not very happy. I told him how displeased and unsatisfied I was. It did manage to turn things around and he's making more of an effort to initiate. We've both made adjustments.

So yes, it does work when one party communicates with the other party. If you're not happy, why would you keep it to yourself?

+1. I find it odd that so many people here think the issue shouldn't be discussed and, to the extent its a dealbreaker, to let your partner know.

I mentioned in one of these threads that communicating this to my wife was actively counterproductive. In addition to the existing reasons for not wanting to have sex with me (her body image issues, hormones, lack of novelty in a long-term marriage) now she had the pressure of knowing that I was not happy with our sex life which added to her lack of libido. And, when she did have sex with me, it wasn't as good because I now had the suspicion she might just be doing it out of a sense of obligation.

Women don’t care that much about novelty. If anything, the love and trust that grow with your sense of familiarity with your spouse enhances both the amount and quality of sex.

I can't cite anything at the moment, so maybe I'm wrong, but I thought studies tended to show that women grew bored with sex more rapidly than men while in long term relationships.

+1 of course women crave novelty. what a ridiculous statement.

I noted earlier that this is not necessarily true. Familiarity with a person comes with love and trust. When a person feels truly loved by their spouse and has a strong trust in that person, good and frequent sex is much more likely.

Any woman in a good marriage I’ve ever talked to much prefers the person she has known well and been intimate with for years over sme new guy. I don’t doubt that women in troubled marriages might want someone new; she probably doesn’t feel love and trust with the one she’s with if the rest of the marriage is not as happy as it could be.

Familiarity + love + trust = good sex. Every time.

That's just an old trope. The best sex I ever had was with men I would never marry because they weren't compatible with me in one or more major ways. Because I didn't care what they thought of my sexual desires, I could relax and be myself. Too much emotion caught up in a marriage to have a great sex life if you're inherently not compatible in that department.

It sounds like you don’t trust your husband. Are you afraid that he is going to make fun of you? Think badly of you? You would really rather never have great sex again than tell your husband your sexual desires?

My husband is a repressed former Catholic. I told him two of the things I like, and he rejected both of them and in fact responded with a cutting comment, "I tried X activity in the early days of our dating, and you said no. Why all of a sudden do you want it now?" And the second thing he just didn't respond to in any way. I trust that he won't tell anyone what I like - nothing I've told him is that unusual anyway - but I don't feel like being open and vulnerable to someone who doesn't make me feel safe, much less encouraging about what I really like.

Ouch. I follow you. (Although, as a practicing Catholic, I want to say that plenty of us are having good sex!).
I am not that poster, but I stand by her statement that that familiarity + love + trust = good sex. But if you don’t love or trust anyone, then of course you would rather be with a stranger. Because familiarity without love and trust = fear and shame, and feeling *nothing* is better than feeling ashamed.

No wonder so many women stop having sex with their partners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These comments are sad. A lot of women don’t know what we want sexually because we are conditioned from young ages to prioritize the man’s satisfaction. Our general definition of sex is basically a man having an O. We don’t focus a lot on our own pleasure and are often quite detached from it, especially if we grew up in a culture that wasn’t sex-positive for girls. I think if we could just learn, without shame, more about our own bodies and what kinds of situations are best for our pleasure, it would be better for marriages but more importantly for us.

I definitely think women don't know what they want sexually, should focus on that, and should communicate what they want. I'm not sure I agree that women are conditioned to prioritize what men want sexually. I'm a data point of one, but I don't know that I've ever experienced a woman being all that focused on my sexual satisfaction. I think a lot of men have the same experience as me. I think women are shamed and taught to be reticent about sex, so they really aren't prioritizing anyone's sexual satisfaction -- his or hers.

What do you mean by “all that focused” on your sexual satisfaction? Do they think about sex as an activity that always involves *your* orgasm? If so, how is that not focusing on your sexual satisfaction?

Also, maybe you have had bad luck, but maybe you could consider trying to be a better sexual partner. I feel like for most women, maybe even for most people, enthusiasm is contagious.

But still, if sex for your partner always includes your orgasm, that is a focus on your sexual satisfaction.

I mean that in most of my sexual encounters, I've been the active one - focused on my pleasure and hers. The women have been fairly passive. They seemed to enjoy what I was doing to them, but they tended not to be taking much initiative for either their pleasure or mine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These comments are sad. A lot of women don’t know what we want sexually because we are conditioned from young ages to prioritize the man’s satisfaction. Our general definition of sex is basically a man having an O. We don’t focus a lot on our own pleasure and are often quite detached from it, especially if we grew up in a culture that wasn’t sex-positive for girls. I think if we could just learn, without shame, more about our own bodies and what kinds of situations are best for our pleasure, it would be better for marriages but more importantly for us.

I definitely think women don't know what they want sexually, should focus on that, and should communicate what they want. I'm not sure I agree that women are conditioned to prioritize what men want sexually. I'm a data point of one, but I don't know that I've ever experienced a woman being all that focused on my sexual satisfaction. I think a lot of men have the same experience as me. I think women are shamed and taught to be reticent about sex, so they really aren't prioritizing anyone's sexual satisfaction -- his or hers.

Imagine a sexual experience in which your partner had an orgasm, but you didn’t, maybe because she just wasn’t that great at figuring out how to make you O, so you stop and say, hey, it’s fine, let’s just move on with our day.

Most people, men and women, would think that’s really weird. That wouldn’t even count as sex. But with the sexes reversed, that is what sex is frequently like for a good number of women. Sex basically equals a man’s pleasure and hers is a bonus but not required. That’s what I mean by women are conditioned to focus on a man’s pleasure .

I infrequently O but I know my husband does his best as he is very solicitous about what I would like. I may be a bit prudish but I am what I am and I know he would do whatever I wanted. It is definitely not just about his needs. I’m happy when he O’s and I must be pretty good because after many years he keeps coming back for more.

I am not suggesting that every time a woman has a sexual experience and doesn’t orgasm that means that it’s a bad sexual experience. I see that I should have made that clear. I have had experiences like that and they are still great. I’m saying that our very conception of what counts as sex hinges on the pleasure of a man. If you had an orgasm and your husband didn’t, would you say you had sex? Or would you call it a failed attempt or fooling around?