Reply to Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]To “Mrs. What if this happened to your daughter, lady?”

It can’t happen to my daughter because she has an IQ above 3 which means she understands what happens if she stops having sex. My daughter has also been raised with enough common sense and gratuitude that she would send her husband’s AP a nice gift every year on their wedding anniversary as a Thank You for preventing divorce and allowing happiness in their marriage.

Sorry to hear about YOUR daughter.
[/quote]

Not the PP to whom you respond but.... My exDH cheated on me. When I found out and confronted him he told me a believable story about the cheating (one time relationship during overseas work trip), which I later found out was an extensive lie which he had continued to tell in and out of therapy while begging me to stay with him and my continuing to have sex with him as we always had.

While we were dating, I was very explicit with my DH that I was only interested a monogamous relationship.  After his first “affair” when he begged me not to end the relationship, I made it clear again that I was only interested in monogamy and didn’t want to stay together unless he could be monogamous. He could have expressed at any time that he did not feel the same. Instead he lied to me, had our second planned children with me and then lied to me some more.

I finally figured out what he was really doing after some serious sleuthing.  What he did to me — there isn’t even a word to express it.  It was like a life theft. He lied to me in a way that stole my agency about what my own life would be.  The sex part - continuing to have sex with me on terms that I thought were monogamous - that honestly felt like a kind of rape in the sense that it was a kind of sex I hadn’t agreed to.  In the law, there is a concept of rape by fraud and what he did really fits in with that idea even though it is not prosecuted (but neither was marital rape for a long time)  I deal with a kind of complex PTSD from the whole situation. It has really done damage psychologically to me - my sense of safety is non-existent as well as my desire to form new relationships with anyone.  (If he, who appeared so normal and trustworthy, was lying so deeply, what does that say about our ability to know anyone?)

I wouldn’t wish what happened to me and my family on my worst enemy and certainly not on my daughter, let alone train her to expect or tolerate it. That is a big part of why I ended it. I didn’t want my son to grow up to be like him. I didn’t want my daughter to grow up to accept being abused in that way.

You, PP, actually scare me.  Your anger and disrespect of women are palpable. I feel sorry for your wife and children. You are actively teaching your daughter that she can’t say no to sex and your son that women should not say no to sex with him.

And so, the cycle of sexual violence continues. [/quote]

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