Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP never returned.

OP was possibly a troll.

Just saying.

She’s frustrated and angry and lots of you put 100% of the blame on her. I wouldn’t return either.

Truth hurts. She won't fix anything until she's ready to engage and be part of the solution.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP never returned.

OP was possibly a troll.

Just saying.

She’s frustrated and angry and lots of you put 100% of the blame on her. I wouldn’t return either.

She made the mistake of mentioning her rules and high standards and then complaining that her dh wasn't being a good enforcer of her rules and high standards.

She might expect all As for example but she wants her dh to be the guy responsible for making sure that the kids do what it takes to achieve those grades. Oh, and the house needs to be tidy clean and the laundry needs to be washed, dried and put away.

That's the part that people were bristling at. Just because Op works more hours and earns more money does not make her her husband's boss.

Its really very hard when two parents arent on board with parenting.

a small example: the other day DS was in a grumpy mood and had not finished his homework (which is minimal, he's in 2nd grade). My approach is simply "let's finish this, I'll help you"--sometimes i offer to read an extra chapter to him of a fave book if he's done early and its my night to read to him but otherwise, doiing HW is an expectation. That night, I hear DH saying "hey, if you finish you're homework now I'll give you a dollar." It really annoyed me because 1) we already have a routine 2) I dont want DS to think that he should get *paid* to do his work and 3) we have another super motivated child who does her homework like clockwork, why should her brother benefit from putting it off?

fortunately, we worked this out, but I have seen this before with DH, and I realize that he's not comfortable being the hard ass parent and at some level he doesn't believe our son is capable of actually getting it done without additional bribes.

The husband has so much more time and lacks the stress of a commute; it’s not unreasonable for him to pick up the slack. I have similar scenario, only I come home to dinner in the oven, homework done, music practiced, chores complete. And she’s being undermined – she cooks dinner and they are allowed to eat out instead. I don't blame her at all.

Whether the dad has ADHD or asperger’s or just different values, it doesn’t matter. If she has expressed her disappointment clearly and he doesn’t change anything, they are not compatible. If she does get a new job, she is the one who is compromising, and it doesn't guarantee things will change. Divorce may be the realistic option.

As for the kids, I don’t think they are especially terrible, 11-14 year olds are by nature selfish and lazy. Very few don’t need constant guidance.

Good luck OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP never returned.

OP was possibly a troll.

Just saying.

She’s frustrated and angry and lots of you put 100% of the blame on her. I wouldn’t return either.

OP never returned.

OP was possibly a troll.

Just saying.

OP, you need to scale back and come home earlier. There’s no way around that. If it’s not possible at your new job, then find a new job. Your house is going to sh*t and your husband and kids don’t have any respect for their home. Or you. Change that, and you’ll see progress. Yes, I know, easier said than done but you need to start somewhere. This is on both you and your DH, not just your DH.
Start by sitting everyone down. Don’t yell, don’t overreact. Be clear and simple.

“Things need to change. I am overworked and stressed, and when I come home at the end of the day I get even more stressed because our home is a zoo. I am sick of being the ‘mean parent’. I need your help. Here’s where we are going to start:
No TV/ internet/ WiFi until homework is done and checked. Your phones will go in the drawer and your father will give them back after he’s checked your homework. On Saturday mornings, you clean your rooms. This means things are organized, laundry is put away and clean sheets go on the bed. If this doesn’t happen (because you’re tween/teen and I shouldn need to nag you if a routine is in place) I take TV/internet/phone away until it’s done. For now, that’s all I ask in terms of school/chores.
In terms of manners and respect, no more “moms cooking sucks”. If you want to suggest a recipe, fine. If you want to cook, fine. But it’s disrepectful to insult me like you have been. No more talking back. If you don’t fulfill these requests, same thing - taking TV/ phone/ internet away. You can earn them back the next morning by apologizing and discussing with me.
In terms of hygiene - you guys are ridiculous. Every morning, your father will make sure you’ve showered and brushed your teeth. This is a non negotiable. Once again - phones / tv/ internet get taken away for the day if you refuse.

Things need to change. I want a happy and relaxing home. If we can do this together, we’ll all be happier. Not just me.”

OP- sit down with your DH and MAKE SURE he is on board and can handle these very few requests. Tell him this is for your own sanity and if it’s not done, divorce.

OP. Are you depressed? Being willing to give your children up to an obviously just as unfit parent as you are is not a good sign.

You aren't allowed to have an opinion on how your husband is managing (or not) the household since you've seemingly abdicated full responsibility of parenting your children.

Here's what you should do: dial it back at work or adjust your schedule. Leave at 6am so you can get home earlier. Or just come home early to actually interact with your kids and tackle another hour or so after they go to bed.

I have four kids, a demanding job and a wicked commute (sometimes 2 hours each way), but I haven't punted everything to my husband (who has a more flexible job and easier commute). We've set boundaries and established routines (despite 4 kids playing multiple sports/activities). We've also taught them to be independent and proactive. Our kids are not spoiled.

Why aren't your kids doing the laundry? Why aren't they cooking? My 10 year old knows how to make eggs, French toast, quesadillas, noodles, etc. And anyone who can read knows how to microwave a meal.

This is a good wake-up call for you and your husband. You need to regain control of your home, establish rules, and equip your kids to be self-sufficient. College is too far off for your oldest--think about the basic life skills she will need.

And if you desert your husband and kids, then you suck. Truly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You text your kid - "You have a C in English and it appears that you haven't turned in 3 assignments. What happened?"

Kid answers: I did the assignments early. I just completely forgot to turn them in. They're done though.

Me: O.k. then you will need to stay after school and show those assignments to the teacher. Make sure that you did them right and explain what happened. Maybe you'll get partial credit.

Kid: But I have Chess club after school and I don't want to miss it!

Me: O.k. then see you if you can see your teacher right before class or after class or during lunch. You need to talk to your teacher.

Kid: O.k.

Later....

Kid: Mom I talked to the teacher during lunch and she is going to give me partial credit. That brings my grade up to a B.

Me: Good. When you get home, I want you to work on your assignment due tomorrow. I'll want to see it after dinner.

You text your kid - "You have a C in English. What happened?"

Kid answers: “The teacher is a really hard grader and she hates me.”

You: “I know that’s a hard class, but it seems like you need to spend more time on the next assignment.”

Kid: “I did! You don’t trust me!” (You happen to know DH and the kids were catching up on Stranger Things after school all last week.)

You: “I know you can do this, if you just give it a little more time. I’m happy to read your essay when I get home.”

Kid: “You don’t trust me! Why are you stalking me online anyway? You have issues. Dad doesn’t do this!”

Me: Excuse me. You are the one with the low grade in English. I will be checking your grades until that grade is brought up. You have an assignment due in English tomorrow. I want you to work on that and I want to see it tonight. If it looks like you are doing a good job and your teacher is being an unreasonable grader I will need to talk to the teacher.

Kid: I can handle this, why are you in my business? You’re a Black Cloud! Why can’t you be more like Dad, who is cool with it? If he doesn’t care, why should you?

I am honestly not sure how I'd handle that. My dh and I have always been on the same page with this sort of thing and we have always backed each other up in this regard.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you are using him. He is the only parent in the house and you are complaining how he does things. Reduce your hours and step up an due a parent. Hire a tutor and housekeeper.

+1 Throw money at this. Tutor, delivered meals, housekeeper or regular cleaning service. You are complaining most about what your husband is doing, not about him personally. If you still like him personally but want to shape things up without going broke hire people.

Not a housecleaner, you need a housekeeper who comes daily and serves asa household manager. One who can cook, move the laundry, organize your living areas, grocery shop. You might also consider hiring a specific type of home organizer to help with decluttering and setting up organization systems - one trained to work with the "chronically disorganized" (yes, that's a term!). I used Jill Lawrence, jillofalltradesdc.com, and there are others like her (Cleveland Park listserv has a few that advertise from time to time). I also love Lisa Ferguson of organize365.com - podcasts are free, and the "whole house organization" programs are nominal. Her website has great resources.

Your husband could also be suffering from depression and have a hard time facing these tasks and being the enforcer to the kids.

Setting down rules is hard and the kids will have tantrums and slam doors just like they did when they were ages 2-5, but you need to set new rules and expectations. December/January is a good time to do this.

Subscribe to OurPact and kill their phone apps until their homework is done.
Use a mesh wireless system (we have eero) and kill the wifi on their laptops and phones and iPads at 8pm every night (you can keep your devices active on the network).
No shower, no dinner, no homework = no phone tomorrow. Backtalk about that? No phone the next day either.
Don't like the dinner that is served? Have a bowl of Cheerios with milk, or yogurt with granola (and make and clean it up yourself).

I am in a similar situation only I am the one at home. It is very hard to be with the kids 6.5 hours and withstand all the bickering with one another, plus I'm in a car for about 3 hours straight most afternoons with practices and lessons. I do work full-time as a writer and researcher. DH comes home at 8 and blows his gasket after a long day with cranky clients and then gridlock traffic driving home. I have made clear to him that I need him to back me up on the rules about screens, homework, cleaning up, practicing, bickering. It's hard being the only enforcer.

Good luck!!

NP here and this is good advice. My DH is the Fed and goes in early and comes home early. He has pickup, drop off at activities, and dinner. I don’t work crazy hours but I don’t get home until 6-7PM. I am also the disorganized one, likely with undiagnosed ADHD with one child that has diagnosed ADHD. So I get it. There are days I feel like I can barely juggle work with 3-4 projects plus the kid signup and calendars (which I organize) and checking that homework is done. The house is often a mess and the kids don’t have regular chores yet other than cleaning up after themselves. I’ve tried home organizers and its helped a little but not become a way of life. I will look into the resources mentioned above, especially the podcast.

The biggest thing though is the last line that you can’t undermine each other and you have to look out for each other. When my dd has done something to warrant electronics being taken away, I may try to get home on the earlier end or make sure I leave on time and if needed log on later for work that night because I know consequences for the kids are 10X harder on the parent AND kids will sometimes make it even more so to “punish you” for punishing them, hoping it will deter you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You text your kid - "You have a C in English and it appears that you haven't turned in 3 assignments. What happened?"

Kid answers: I did the assignments early. I just completely forgot to turn them in. They're done though.

Me: O.k. then you will need to stay after school and show those assignments to the teacher. Make sure that you did them right and explain what happened. Maybe you'll get partial credit.

Kid: But I have Chess club after school and I don't want to miss it!

Me: O.k. then see you if you can see your teacher right before class or after class or during lunch. You need to talk to your teacher.

Kid: O.k.

Later....

Kid: Mom I talked to the teacher during lunch and she is going to give me partial credit. That brings my grade up to a B.

Me: Good. When you get home, I want you to work on your assignment due tomorrow. I'll want to see it after dinner.

You text your kid - "You have a C in English. What happened?"

Kid answers: “The teacher is a really hard grader and she hates me.”

You: “I know that’s a hard class, but it seems like you need to spend more time on the next assignment.”

Kid: “I did! You don’t trust me!” (You happen to know DH and the kids were catching up on Stranger Things after school all last week.)

You: “I know you can do this, if you just give it a little more time. I’m happy to read your essay when I get home.”

Kid: “You don’t trust me! Why are you stalking me online anyway? You have issues. Dad doesn’t do this!”

Me: Excuse me. You are the one with the low grade in English. I will be checking your grades until that grade is brought up. You have an assignment due in English tomorrow. I want you to work on that and I want to see it tonight. If it looks like you are doing a good job and your teacher is being an unreasonable grader I will need to talk to the teacher.

Kid: I can handle this, why are you in my business? You’re a Black Cloud! Why can’t you be more like Dad, who is cool with it? If he doesn’t care, why should you?

Kids: I don’t want to eat your broccoli! Dad wants to take us out to Chipotle, why won’t you let him?!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't believe that she gets home at 8 pm every night and makes dinner. Then if they don't like it they go out to dinner, at what, 9 pm?

Also don't believe her husband is home by three unless he goes to work super early.

He's tasked with making sure the kids are brushing their teeth and dressing appropriately for school so I'm guessing that he is also the one dropping them off at school.

OP’s first post says their teeth are “filthy”. How tired can he be?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You text your kid - "You have a C in English and it appears that you haven't turned in 3 assignments. What happened?"

Kid answers: I did the assignments early. I just completely forgot to turn them in. They're done though.

Me: O.k. then you will need to stay after school and show those assignments to the teacher. Make sure that you did them right and explain what happened. Maybe you'll get partial credit.

Kid: But I have Chess club after school and I don't want to miss it!

Me: O.k. then see you if you can see your teacher right before class or after class or during lunch. You need to talk to your teacher.

Kid: O.k.

Later....

Kid: Mom I talked to the teacher during lunch and she is going to give me partial credit. That brings my grade up to a B.

Me: Good. When you get home, I want you to work on your assignment due tomorrow. I'll want to see it after dinner.

You text your kid - "You have a C in English. What happened?"

Kid answers: “The teacher is a really hard grader and she hates me.”

You: “I know that’s a hard class, but it seems like you need to spend more time on the next assignment.”

Kid: “I did! You don’t trust me!” (You happen to know DH and the kids were catching up on Stranger Things after school all last week.)

You: “I know you can do this, if you just give it a little more time. I’m happy to read your essay when I get home.”

Kid: “You don’t trust me! Why are you stalking me online anyway? You have issues. Dad doesn’t do this!”

Me: Excuse me. You are the one with the low grade in English. I will be checking your grades until that grade is brought up. You have an assignment due in English tomorrow. I want you to work on that and I want to see it tonight. If it looks like you are doing a good job and your teacher is being an unreasonable grader I will need to talk to the teacher.

Kid: I can handle this, why are you in my business? You’re a Black Cloud! Why can’t you be more like Dad, who is cool with it? If he doesn’t care, why should you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You text your kid - "You have a C in English and it appears that you haven't turned in 3 assignments. What happened?"

Kid answers: I did the assignments early. I just completely forgot to turn them in. They're done though.

Me: O.k. then you will need to stay after school and show those assignments to the teacher. Make sure that you did them right and explain what happened. Maybe you'll get partial credit.

Kid: But I have Chess club after school and I don't want to miss it!

Me: O.k. then see you if you can see your teacher right before class or after class or during lunch. You need to talk to your teacher.

Kid: O.k.

Later....

Kid: Mom I talked to the teacher during lunch and she is going to give me partial credit. That brings my grade up to a B.

Me: Good. When you get home, I want you to work on your assignment due tomorrow. I'll want to see it after dinner.

You text your kid - "You have a C in English. What happened?"

Kid answers: “The teacher is a really hard grader and she hates me.”

You: “I know that’s a hard class, but it seems like you need to spend more time on the next assignment.”

Kid: “I did! You don’t trust me!” (You happen to know DH and the kids were catching up on Stranger Things after school all last week.)

You: “I know you can do this, if you just give it a little more time. I’m happy to read your essay when I get home.”

Kid: “You don’t trust me! Why are you stalking me online anyway? You have issues. Dad doesn’t do this!”

Me: Excuse me. You are the one with the low grade in English. I will be checking your grades until that grade is brought up. You have an assignment due in English tomorrow. I want you to work on that and I want to see it tonight. If it looks like you are doing a good job and your teacher is being an unreasonable grader I will need to talk to the teacher.