Reply to "Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him

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Reply to ""Perfect on paper husband," just not in love with him"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's not him specifically. I don't think we will get back together. We're barely even in contact anymore. But I want someone like him. Just less disfunctional and angry at the world.[/quote]

Is it not his being an angry person that makes him rough during sex? Not sure if you can really have one without the other, unless the roughness like with your husband would be an act that a guy may or may not be comfortable with? [/quote]

OP here. Maybe. It probably has something to do with the level of caring about the other person. It sounds sick but I think I liked being the pursuer instead of the pursuee. If that makes any sense.[/quote]

NP here.  OP, do you think you possibly struggle with poor self-worth?  That you think a handsome man who is committed to his job and family couldn't possibly be interested in you?  And you resent your DH for actually pursuing you and doing what he can to make a good life for you and your children?[/quote]

Maybe. It's possible. But, at this point, do the whys even matter? You want what you want. What I've learned from this experience is that you can't change feelings like that. You just can't. I can live with what is lacking in my life but I still something different. I still want what I want, you know?[/quote]

PP here -- the "whys" matter because they might explain why you "want what you want."  In other words, it's *possible* that another person in your situation with strong self-worth would find ways around the issue you're having, and if you were able to build up your self-worth that you could be happy with your DH and your marriage.  Sure, that might not happen.  But isn't it worth exploring all your options before you proceed to divorce or completely withdraw from the marriage?

I'm just trying to give you something to think about.  It sounds like you've already decided that your marriage cannot be rescued.  But I really hope that you'll slow down and look at your DH and children and decide whether divorce is the right option for all of you.  Yes, you deserve to be happy and to have a good sex life, and I am absolutely not in the "if you divorce, you'll ruin your life" camp.  But...just like anything else in a marriage (communication, division of labor, child-rearing), sex can be discussed and improved upon to make both parties happy.  If your DH is unwilling to do this, you probably do need to get couple's therapy, and if that fails, move toward divorce.  But really, you owe it to your children and your DH to try to make work before you go there.[/quote]

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