Reply to Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.

The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.

But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.

You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.

Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help. [/quote]

On this point, elderly parents who aren't able to help shouldn't stay with a new mom.  This is common sense.  If they want to see the new baby, they get a hotel room, and they don't expect anything from the new parents.  [/quote]

Totally agree. Again, it should be like visiting a family member who just had surgery -- that is your expectation. If you can't help, stay in a hotel so you are at least no burdening the new parents. If staying in a hotel doesn't work for you, come in a couple months when the baby is settled and the parents are sleeping and the mom isn't still bleeding from childbirth or dealing with crazy hormones or recovering from a c-section. If waiting a couple months doesn't work, then you can come and help or you can stay in a hotel.

There is not reasonable option that involves coming and staying in the home of the new mom and expecting her to serve you. Just no.[/quote]

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