Anonymous
12/08/2025 17:02
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.
On this point, elderly parents who aren't able to help shouldn't stay with a new mom. This is common sense. If they want to see the new baby, they get a hotel room, and they don't expect anything from the new parents.
You know they keep showing up because their sons invited them.
If they did, then as the older and wiser parents who have been through out, they gently explain to their son that (1) he should really check with his wife before inviting people to stay right after she gives birth, and (2) he might not realize what it will actually be like. After all, you're his parents, right? If he does something boneheaded, feel free to correct and provide some useful guidance.
Give me a break. They don’t need to coddle these men. My husband wouldn’t do this why does yours? Do you talk to your husband about things like this?
Anonymous
12/08/2025 16:59
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.
On this point, elderly parents who aren't able to help shouldn't stay with a new mom. This is common sense. If they want to see the new baby, they get a hotel room, and they don't expect anything from the new parents.
You know they keep showing up because their sons invited them.
If they did, then as the older and wiser parents who have been through out, they gently explain to their son that (1) he should really check with his wife before inviting people to stay right after she gives birth, and (2) he might not realize what it will actually be like. After all, you're his parents, right? If he does something boneheaded, feel free to correct and provide some useful guidance.
Anonymous
12/08/2025 16:57
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.
On this point, elderly parents who aren't able to help shouldn't stay with a new mom. This is common sense. If they want to see the new baby, they get a hotel room, and they don't expect anything from the new parents.
Totally agree. Again, it should be like visiting a family member who just had surgery -- that is your expectation. If you can't help, stay in a hotel so you are at least no burdening the new parents. If staying in a hotel doesn't work for you, come in a couple months when the baby is settled and the parents are sleeping and the mom isn't still bleeding from childbirth or dealing with crazy hormones or recovering from a c-section. If waiting a couple months doesn't work, then you can come and help or you can stay in a hotel.
There is not reasonable option that involves coming and staying in the home of the new mom and expecting her to serve you. Just no.
Anonymous
12/08/2025 16:48
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.
On this point, elderly parents who aren't able to help shouldn't stay with a new mom. This is common sense. If they want to see the new baby, they get a hotel room, and they don't expect anything from the new parents.
You know they keep showing up because their sons invited them.
Anonymous
12/08/2025 11:54
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.
On this point, elderly parents who aren't able to help shouldn't stay with a new mom. This is common sense. If they want to see the new baby, they get a hotel room, and they don't expect anything from the new parents.
Anonymous
12/08/2025 10:59
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:Why would you have anyone stay with you for a week after childbirth? That's crazy
+1. I had to have my MIL come stay with us to watch our oldest when I went into the hospital to have baby 2 but I sent her right home when we got back from the hospital. My own mother had serious health issues at the time and wasn't available. I didn't want her around as I was dealing with the usual postpartum stuff. I could have cared less if the house needed cleaning for a short while. We let some things go and eased back into it. I'm not comfortable with her in my space and I didn't want her fawning over me or doing housework that would have been weird. Dishes and laundry weren't worth it.
Anonymous
12/08/2025 10:50
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Why would you have anyone stay with you for a week after childbirth? That's crazy
Anonymous
12/08/2025 10:43
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Good lord the self righteousness on here. Amazing for those of you who had easy deliveries and popped up to order around your paid servants while your husband was also doing everything! I can see how that would be easy and you would have low expectations from your guests.
Some of us had significant trauma from our birth experiences and our babies came home with extra needs. I am the PP who said I found the birth of my oldest child a more harrowing experience than my disease that landed me in the ICU for an extended stay. My kid was also still recovering at the time we were discharged. It was NOT a good time for guests, just like it would not have been a good time for guests if I was recovering from any other major surgery/illness. But my ILs were very excited about the baby and I was new to navigating the relationship of “keeper of the grandchildren” ( which has been a completely different roller coaster than DIL) and I tried to set up a visit that we could manage but they were not respectful of our wishes and attempts to set boundaries. I would have loved it if my husband had been more helpful but he did not handle the disaster in the hospital well and was emotionally in worse shape than me. I didn’t expect that and I didn’t have a lot of energy to manage it.
So when my ILs showed up and basically ignored how badly my husband and I were BOTH doing and focused entirely on their own excitement about being grandparents it hurt a bit. FWIW my FIL was more helpful than my MIL who wouldn’t even let him hold the baby. If we weren’t holding the baby, SHE was and no one else. He kindly did what he could and I think eventually went to the store and helped smooth over some of the drama.
We actually have a decent relationship now. It took a long time of me getting better enough to get my head on and then kindly but firmly placing boundaries but trying to facilitate the grandparents/grandchildren relationship in ways that were acceptable to me.
Some of us had significant trauma from our birth experiences and our babies came home with extra needs. I am the PP who said I found the birth of my oldest child a more harrowing experience than my disease that landed me in the ICU for an extended stay. My kid was also still recovering at the time we were discharged. It was NOT a good time for guests, just like it would not have been a good time for guests if I was recovering from any other major surgery/illness. But my ILs were very excited about the baby and I was new to navigating the relationship of “keeper of the grandchildren” ( which has been a completely different roller coaster than DIL) and I tried to set up a visit that we could manage but they were not respectful of our wishes and attempts to set boundaries. I would have loved it if my husband had been more helpful but he did not handle the disaster in the hospital well and was emotionally in worse shape than me. I didn’t expect that and I didn’t have a lot of energy to manage it.
So when my ILs showed up and basically ignored how badly my husband and I were BOTH doing and focused entirely on their own excitement about being grandparents it hurt a bit. FWIW my FIL was more helpful than my MIL who wouldn’t even let him hold the baby. If we weren’t holding the baby, SHE was and no one else. He kindly did what he could and I think eventually went to the store and helped smooth over some of the drama.
We actually have a decent relationship now. It took a long time of me getting better enough to get my head on and then kindly but firmly placing boundaries but trying to facilitate the grandparents/grandchildren relationship in ways that were acceptable to me.
Anonymous
12/08/2025 10:15
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.
I find it hard to believe that the people here who regularly denigrate their MILs will ever get the help they seek when they want it. Having a good relationship comes long before the baby is born. What are these of meager means women doing early on to ensure their village is ready when they demand it?
Why would a MIL be visiting her DIL during her first week post partum if they did not have a good relationship? OP's MIL shouldn't have visited at that time if the relationship was that bad.
I assume she didn’t break in.
Anonymous
12/08/2025 09:58
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.
I find it hard to believe that the people here who regularly denigrate their MILs will ever get the help they seek when they want it. Having a good relationship comes long before the baby is born. What are these of meager means women doing early on to ensure their village is ready when they demand it?
Why would a MIL be visiting her DIL during her first week post partum if they did not have a good relationship? OP's MIL shouldn't have visited at that time if the relationship was that bad.
Anonymous
12/08/2025 09:51
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.
I find it hard to believe that the people here who regularly denigrate their MILs will ever get the help they seek when they want it. Having a good relationship comes long before the baby is born. What are these of meager means women doing early on to ensure their village is ready when they demand it?
NP. Do you understand that people who post here about their MILs are not representative of all DILs as a whole? You seem confused about that.
Anonymous
12/08/2025 09:50
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.
I don’t disagree with anything you say, but as a grown-up, it is also your job to make this clear to visitors. I also think the women mad that their MILs want to hold their newborn are being irrationally jealous and short-sighted and frankly mean. My MIL is so problematic that I actually had to tell her to leave (because she was stressing me out and fighting with me, not because she was doing nothing) but I would give anything to go back in time and let her hold their baby as much as she wants.
Anonymous
12/08/2025 09:47
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.
I find it hard to believe that the people here who regularly denigrate their MILs will ever get the help they seek when they want it. Having a good relationship comes long before the baby is born. What are these of meager means women doing early on to ensure their village is ready when they demand it?
Anonymous
12/08/2025 09:33
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pretty blown away by this thread. I’m a Mom of two teen boys. Not yet a MIL. I had kids when I was older 37 and 40 so perhaps I’m a different generation than many of these mom posters. But NEVER once did it occur to me to have my Mom or MIL visit so they could help me with cooking or cleaning when my kids were born. I was happy to have them visit, hold the baby while I napped, take pictures and enjoy their visit. If I needed the house cleaned we hired cleaners. If I needed laundry done my DH and I switched off. If we were too tired to cook we had sandwiches or take out or prepared meals from the grocery store. Really not that complicated. My mother is not a nanny or a maid. WTF people. Don’t have kids if you can’t handle taking care of them on your own or if you can’t afford help. Stop assuming your mother will be dying to be your nanny one day. I adore my teens but I can tell you right now I will have little interest in being their nanny or housekeeper when/ if I’m lucky enough to be around when they have kids.
Why did you pay for help? Don't have kids if you cannot do everything by yourself. It's crazy how you found help because the first few weeks are tough, yet you lack empathy for other new moms who need help.
We are not talking about the MIL being a long term nanny. We are talking about the first couple of weeks. Don't visit people in their time of need if you don't intend to help.
How do you get through life being so dysfunctional? Your husband is supposed to help. What's he so busy doing? It really doesn't take two able bodied adults to look after and watch a newborn sleep the first few weeks. Your DH needs to pick up the slack, not his mom.
Sweetheart, not only did I have my DH on paternity leave for 2 months, I had hired help too. And guess what? When my mom and sister cane to visit, they were helping with bottles, dishes and cooking. I was breastfeeding, pumping, and bathing my baby, and that's it.
But the difference between you and me is that I have empathy. I can see how the OP's DH could be at work thinking his wife was in good hands because his mom was there. I can see how a woman without the means to hire help would need some extra hands because she was tired after waking up every 2 hours to feed the baby. A new mother needs all the rest she can get.
And my MIL would never be that heartless. She visited us every Sunday and would be in the kitchen trying to help out as much as she could. She couldn't help much because she was recovering from a health crisis. But she offered, and we told her not to worry.
Babe, you sound like a trainwreck princess.
NP. How so?
Anonymous
12/08/2025 09:26
Subject: Is there any expectation on a family member who stays “postpartum”?
This isn't about getting elderly grandparents to scrub floors. That's a straw man.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.
The point is that when you visit someone right after they have a baby, it's not a normal visit. Normally if my parents or ILs visit, DH and I host them properly. We make meals or restaurant reservations, we take them to do things we think they will enjoy, we make sure our guest room is clean and they always have fresh towels and we check in that they have drinks if they need them, that kind of thing. To me that is how you host someone.
But obviously I'm not doing any of that right after having a baby. Visiting someone at that time is like visiting someone who just had surgery (in many cases the new mom has in fact just had surgery). Would you show at the house of a relative who just had surgery and expect them to take care of you? Of course not, that would be deranged. Well the existence of a new baby doesn't change that.
You show up and you say "what can I do, how can I help." If you are older and more limited, that help might just be keeping an eye on the baby while the new mom showers, or offering to run to the grocery store for the family. You might help just by taking care of yourself, making sure they know you don't need them to cook for you, perhaps offering to order pizza or something. Again, think of it as someone who has just had a serious medical procedure and is in recovery. How would you conduct yourself in the home of someone in that state? That is how you treat a brand new mom. Even if the DH is there to help care for her. This is not a normal guest experience, you need to understand that and act accordingly.
Some of you apparently are very wealthy and can afford to hire help to come in and care for you as well as host your visiting parents or ILs. Congrats on having the kind of disposable income that means a new baby has no impact on your ability to host guests. That is simply not the case for most of us. As a result, if grandparents want to visit right after a baby is born, they need to operate with the assumption that the new parents do not have the bandwidth to host them properly and will need at least some help.