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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I used to love hosting when my kids were younger and things were easier (the preschool years).  When my kids were under age 4 and my life was more together all the time, we would entertain often--yearly family Halloween party, yearly 4th of July BBQ,  families over for brunch twice a month, tons of playdates, lots of family friendly dinners, etc.  We'd have people over at least twice a month, and then a large group (15 or 20) for the larger events.  I enjoyed hosting and was good at it, and I thought I was helping to build our community when I was hosting and entertaining (we have no local family).  I'd put together really nice Sunday brunches--simple, but nice, and have a few families over twice a month. I'd spend all Saturday cleaning and shopping and Sunday would be the brunch.  I'd put out a nice assortment of bagels, muffins, fruit salad, a breakfast casserole, yogurt parfeits, etc. and people would always come over and have a nice time but never invited us to their house--or to do anything.

Then when my oldest turned 5 things started getting harder (I feel that the older my kids get the more challenging they are--little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems sort of thing).  My life started to feel like one stressful situation after another (oldest was having problems in Kindergarten, got an ADHD diagnosis; younger one was diagnosed with an unusual health condition, etc.) and I no longer had the energy or enthusiasm for hosting.  I also realized that people were barely ever reciprocating and that annoyed me.  I felt resentful that I was hosting all the time and that we barely got invited anywhere.

So this year (starting this past summer) DH and I decided we would not do any entertaining all year except the occasional afternoon playdate (maybe every other month) and the kids' birthday parties.

I wonder if people wonder why we don't invite them over anymore.

I must say I prefer this lack of hosting to when we hosted all the time.[/quote]

Same exact story!

I immigrated from Europe and really wanted to build a community. I invited my in-laws, friends, coworkers for parties, dinners, brunches. I was always hosting.

We had no kids for the first 6 years of marriage, and we had a nice new home, so it was a pleasure to host our loved ones. But it was almost never reciprocated.

I figured it was a cultural difference - that Americans were a bit more reserved, a bit more private about their homes, a bit more busy maybe? It was not a cultural issue. It was just people being lazy users, if you let them.

Anyhow, once we had kids, hosting became a chore and an expense. When kids were little, the house would be trashed from their little friends playing over, and the toys would get broken or stepped on. One time a little guest dumped a whole big box of crayons and smashed them by stepping on them. The rug had to be tossed. The problem was that their parents, our adult guests, were so relaxed, eating and drinking that they forgot to supervise their own kids. So I had to clean after the guests left as well.

I would work during the week, clean and grocery shop on Saturdays, and host dinner parties and playdates on Sundays. My whole weekend would be about catering to other people. I was starting to have hosting anxieties and feel resentment.

Then my husband got laid off and money became tight. Our food budget was tight. We slowed down with our invites and realized that we never saw our friends any longer - because nobody ever invited us over! They were so used to being served and hosted, that they never even considered that maybe we too want to spend our weekends relaxing, instead of serving them. People are so selfish - they want to come to your house, eat your food and have a good time, but they do not want to put in work or bear the expense.

I started asking myself why I was doing this to myself?  Why was I bearing the entire cost of those friendships?

Now that kids are in grade school, they have their own school friends over often, but before they do, they have to help clean up the house and make snacks. The school friends get dropped off, so I don't have to entertain their parents.

My social circle is a lot smaller now - I only invite people who are considerate, kind and giving - and who reciprocate my invitations. We take turns going to each other's houses for dinners and parties.

The dead weight (i.e. those that don't reciprocate) do not get invites any longer and the friendships have fizzled. And seriously, it's been a huge relief.  No time for moochers. Everyone wants to be a guest, nobody wants to be a host. But if you want to be invited, you have to sometimes invite people too. I understand hosting anxiety very well, we all get it - but those who cannot host still need to reach out, and meet us mid way (park, restaurant, museum, concert etc). My rule is, I can invite you to my home three times, but if you never invite me over, you are not coming here again. We can meet in a neutral place, but that's it.

I think this is a matter of self respect.

So I guess I can now say that I hate hosting too. I feel like my good will and enjoyment has been destroyed. I am burned out. I now enjoy my weekends going out instead. [/quote]

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