Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today, I finally admitted to myself that I HATE having people over to my home. I am a very social person and love getting together with friends, but I become so anxious when anyone visits - is my house clean enough? What will we eat? How does the lawn look? Will people notice the crappy paint job in the living room? Should we eat outside or inside? Where should I put the crudites? Etc. etc. I find myself secretly hoping that people will cancel on us after we invite them over. I dread the visits for days beforehand. Anyone else like this? How do you deal? I am an anxious person by nature and I care too much what people think about me, I need to get over it! Our friends have had to invite themselves over in order to meet our now-several-months-old baby.

I just find it too much work - all the food prep and tidying up. It's time consuming and I feel like it eats up all day which is a lot.

This is absolutely true. Most of us work 40+ hour weeks, then run kids to activities and sports. Two days off fly by quickly. Having people over is sacrificing one of those two days to food shopping, cooking, hosting, cleaning. Spending half of your weekly time-off on someone who might or might not do the same for you, is quite a sacrifice. It's overwhelming and so much work.

In the olden days things were different. Women did not work, so they craved adult interaction on the weekends. People spent time with their neighbors, so pop-ins were common, which meant nobody traveled for 2 hours to visit you, and nobody needed to be served dinner. But long distances mean that guests have to eat, so every social interaction revolves around food. If I could invite people for coffee and biscuits, it would be so much easier. But that's just not done any longer. You'd be considered weird or rude if you said "come over but no dinner". Ha ha.

Interesting points. I hate hosting also. I’m an introvert and I’m so happy to get home to chill in my own space. I prefer to dine out with friends, so much more relaxing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just hate their kids coming.

To be honest, I am not a fan of kids coming over. I have kids too, but they are pretty mellow, artistic, relaxed kiddos. They are not the hyper, jumping, chasing, bouncing types. We are quiet people in general. We like taking nature hikes, listening to music, going to movies, doing puzzles, painting, doing crafts. When we have guests with kids, they seem to think it's normal for their children to jump on the bed, chase each other through the house, throw things at each other, climb furniture. We just have different parenting styles and different expectations. The mayhem and noise that occur, can overwhelm me quickly. I look forward to all the kids growing up and not coming with their parents any longer. I miss adult friendships that don't have to turn into playdates with their kids. I try to have playdates outside as much as I can.

This. My daughter recently had a sleepover for her 9th (!!!) Birthday. It was absolutely appalling to me how many 8/9 year old girls had to be told repeatedly that climbing over/jumping on the sofa is NOT allowed. OMG.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today, I finally admitted to myself that I HATE having people over to my home. I am a very social person and love getting together with friends, but I become so anxious when anyone visits - is my house clean enough? What will we eat? How does the lawn look? Will people notice the crappy paint job in the living room? Should we eat outside or inside? Where should I put the crudites? Etc. etc. I find myself secretly hoping that people will cancel on us after we invite them over. I dread the visits for days beforehand. Anyone else like this? How do you deal? I am an anxious person by nature and I care too much what people think about me, I need to get over it! Our friends have had to invite themselves over in order to meet our now-several-months-old baby.

I just find it too much work - all the food prep and tidying up. It's time consuming and I feel like it eats up all day which is a lot.

This is absolutely true. Most of us work 40+ hour weeks, then run kids to activities and sports. Two days off fly by quickly. Having people over is sacrificing one of those two days to food shopping, cooking, hosting, cleaning. Spending half of your weekly time-off on someone who might or might not do the same for you, is quite a sacrifice. It's overwhelming and so much work.

In the olden days things were different. Women did not work, so they craved adult interaction on the weekends. People spent time with their neighbors, so pop-ins were common, which meant nobody traveled for 2 hours to visit you, and nobody needed to be served dinner. But long distances mean that guests have to eat, so every social interaction revolves around food. If I could invite people for coffee and biscuits, it would be so much easier. But that's just not done any longer. You'd be considered weird or rude if you said "come over but no dinner". Ha ha.

I had guests over last weekend. A couple with two young kids. The father is allergic to all fish and sea food. The mother is a vegetarian. The son is allergic to all tree nuts, peanuts, coconut. The daughter is allergic to milk protein so no butter, cream, milk, ice cream, cheese... "They prefer to not eat pasta all the time" - according to my friend. I was feeling so exhausted keeping all this in mind and putting together a respectful dinner that sadly, as much as I love them, the will not be getting an invite back any time soon. They were very nice, thankful and graceful, but I was just overwhelmed. Especially knowing that my own kids probably have some hidden candy in their rooms, that could kill the kid with the peanut allergy. The life threatening allergies make me anxious, and I'd rather not be responsible for someone grabbing something they should not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Today, I finally admitted to myself that I HATE having people over to my home. I am a very social person and love getting together with friends, but I become so anxious when anyone visits - is my house clean enough? What will we eat? How does the lawn look? Will people notice the crappy paint job in the living room? Should we eat outside or inside? Where should I put the crudites? Etc. etc. I find myself secretly hoping that people will cancel on us after we invite them over. I dread the visits for days beforehand. Anyone else like this? How do you deal? I am an anxious person by nature and I care too much what people think about me, I need to get over it! Our friends have had to invite themselves over in order to meet our now-several-months-old baby.

I just find it too much work - all the food prep and tidying up. It's time consuming and I feel like it eats up all day which is a lot.

This is absolutely true. Most of us work 40+ hour weeks, then run kids to activities and sports. Two days off fly by quickly. Having people over is sacrificing one of those two days to food shopping, cooking, hosting, cleaning. Spending half of your weekly time-off on someone who might or might not do the same for you, is quite a sacrifice. It's overwhelming and so much work.

In the olden days things were different. Women did not work, so they craved adult interaction on the weekends. People spent time with their neighbors, so pop-ins were common, which meant nobody traveled for 2 hours to visit you, and nobody needed to be served dinner. But long distances mean that guests have to eat, so every social interaction revolves around food. If I could invite people for coffee and biscuits, it would be so much easier. But that's just not done any longer. You'd be considered weird or rude if you said "come over but no dinner". Ha ha.

Anonymous wrote:I just hate their kids coming.

To be honest, I am not a fan of kids coming over. I have kids too, but they are pretty mellow, artistic, relaxed kiddos. They are not the hyper, jumping, chasing, bouncing types. We are quiet people in general. We like taking nature hikes, listening to music, going to movies, doing puzzles, painting, doing crafts. When we have guests with kids, they seem to think it's normal for their children to jump on the bed, chase each other through the house, throw things at each other, climb furniture. We just have different parenting styles and different expectations. The mayhem and noise that occur, can overwhelm me quickly. I look forward to all the kids growing up and not coming with their parents any longer. I miss adult friendships that don't have to turn into playdates with their kids. I try to have playdates outside as much as I can.

Anonymous wrote:Today, I finally admitted to myself that I HATE having people over to my home. I am a very social person and love getting together with friends, but I become so anxious when anyone visits - is my house clean enough? What will we eat? How does the lawn look? Will people notice the crappy paint job in the living room? Should we eat outside or inside? Where should I put the crudites? Etc. etc. I find myself secretly hoping that people will cancel on us after we invite them over. I dread the visits for days beforehand. Anyone else like this? How do you deal? I am an anxious person by nature and I care too much what people think about me, I need to get over it! Our friends have had to invite themselves over in order to meet our now-several-months-old baby.

I just find it too much work - all the food prep and tidying up. It's time consuming and I feel like it eats up all day which is a lot.

Anonymous wrote:I used to love hosting when my kids were younger and things were easier (the preschool years). When my kids were under age 4 and my life was more together all the time, we would entertain often--yearly family Halloween party, yearly 4th of July BBQ, families over for brunch twice a month, tons of playdates, lots of family friendly dinners, etc. We'd have people over at least twice a month, and then a large group (15 or 20) for the larger events. I enjoyed hosting and was good at it, and I thought I was helping to build our community when I was hosting and entertaining (we have no local family). I'd put together really nice Sunday brunches--simple, but nice, and have a few families over twice a month. I'd spend all Saturday cleaning and shopping and Sunday would be the brunch. I'd put out a nice assortment of bagels, muffins, fruit salad, a breakfast casserole, yogurt parfeits, etc. and people would always come over and have a nice time but never invited us to their house--or to do anything.

Then when my oldest turned 5 things started getting harder (I feel that the older my kids get the more challenging they are--little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems sort of thing). My life started to feel like one stressful situation after another (oldest was having problems in Kindergarten, got an ADHD diagnosis; younger one was diagnosed with an unusual health condition, etc.) and I no longer had the energy or enthusiasm for hosting. I also realized that people were barely ever reciprocating and that annoyed me. I felt resentful that I was hosting all the time and that we barely got invited anywhere.

So this year (starting this past summer) DH and I decided we would not do any entertaining all year except the occasional afternoon playdate (maybe every other month) and the kids' birthday parties.

I wonder if people wonder why we don't invite them over anymore.

I must say I prefer this lack of hosting to when we hosted all the time.

Same exact story!

I immigrated from Europe and really wanted to build a community. I invited my in-laws, friends, coworkers for parties, dinners, brunches. I was always hosting.

We had no kids for the first 6 years of marriage, and we had a nice new home, so it was a pleasure to host our loved ones. But it was almost never reciprocated.

I figured it was a cultural difference - that Americans were a bit more reserved, a bit more private about their homes, a bit more busy maybe? It was not a cultural issue. It was just people being lazy users, if you let them.

Anyhow, once we had kids, hosting became a chore and an expense. When kids were little, the house would be trashed from their little friends playing over, and the toys would get broken or stepped on. One time a little guest dumped a whole big box of crayons and smashed them by stepping on them. The rug had to be tossed. The problem was that their parents, our adult guests, were so relaxed, eating and drinking that they forgot to supervise their own kids. So I had to clean after the guests left as well.

I would work during the week, clean and grocery shop on Saturdays, and host dinner parties and playdates on Sundays. My whole weekend would be about catering to other people. I was starting to have hosting anxieties and feel resentment.

Then my husband got laid off and money became tight. Our food budget was tight. We slowed down with our invites and realized that we never saw our friends any longer - because nobody ever invited us over! They were so used to being served and hosted, that they never even considered that maybe we too want to spend our weekends relaxing, instead of serving them. People are so selfish - they want to come to your house, eat your food and have a good time, but they do not want to put in work or bear the expense.

I started asking myself why I was doing this to myself? Why was I bearing the entire cost of those friendships?

Now that kids are in grade school, they have their own school friends over often, but before they do, they have to help clean up the house and make snacks. The school friends get dropped off, so I don't have to entertain their parents.

My social circle is a lot smaller now - I only invite people who are considerate, kind and giving - and who reciprocate my invitations. We take turns going to each other's houses for dinners and parties.

The dead weight (i.e. those that don't reciprocate) do not get invites any longer and the friendships have fizzled. And seriously, it's been a huge relief. No time for moochers. Everyone wants to be a guest, nobody wants to be a host. But if you want to be invited, you have to sometimes invite people too. I understand hosting anxiety very well, we all get it - but those who cannot host still need to reach out, and meet us mid way (park, restaurant, museum, concert etc). My rule is, I can invite you to my home three times, but if you never invite me over, you are not coming here again. We can meet in a neutral place, but that's it.

I think this is a matter of self respect.

So I guess I can now say that I hate hosting too. I feel like my good will and enjoyment has been destroyed. I am burned out. I now enjoy my weekends going out instead.

Anonymous wrote:I think the prospect of a formal dinner party intimidates people but just do the type of entertaining you are most comfortable with. Some people love the grill and do mostly summer entertaining.

Lately, I l have been doing casual family type meals that you serve buffet style. People love coming to them because the vibe is relaxed and we tend to rotate these with our group of friends. When I first started hosting, I would literally make the same menu for different groups of friends until I got the hang of it. Learn to perfect a few dishes. Some things made the last few times:

Mexican night (carne asada tacos, fish tacos, guacomole, pickled cabbage slaw, Mexican corn, rice and beans, homemade margaritas, churros with different dipping sauces)

Moroccan night: Lamb Tagine (love this recipe: https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1018513-lamb-tagine), herbed couscous, tomato and cucumber salad, warmed pita with eggplant dip, marinated olives, honey dipped haloumi bites, spiced mint tea juleps)

Indian night: baked samosa, assorted pakoras, basmati rice, chicken korma, dal, chana masala, raitas, cucumber and tomato salad

Thank you so much!

I think the prospect of a formal dinner party intimidates people but just do the type of entertaining you are most comfortable with. Some people love the grill and do mostly summer entertaining.

Lately, I l have been doing casual family type meals that you serve buffet style. People love coming to them because the vibe is relaxed and we tend to rotate these with our group of friends. When I first started hosting, I would literally make the same menu for different groups of friends until I got the hang of it. Learn to perfect a few dishes. Some things made the last few times:

Mexican night (carne asada tacos, fish tacos, guacomole, pickled cabbage slaw, Mexican corn, rice and beans, homemade margaritas, churros with different dipping sauces)

Moroccan night: Lamb Tagine (love this recipe: https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1018513-lamb-tagine), herbed couscous, tomato and cucumber salad, warmed pita with eggplant dip, marinated olives, honey dipped haloumi bites, spiced mint tea juleps)

Indian night: baked samosa, assorted pakoras, basmati rice, chicken korma, dal, chana masala, raitas, cucumber and tomato salad

Anonymous wrote:Our house is ALWAYS spotlessly clean and we have plenty of good booze (and good coffee and tea). The people with anxiety sound like slobs and/or insecure about their house being downscale vis a vis the company.

You sound unpleasant. Please don’t invite me over.

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same way. I used to love hosting and had people over all the time. Then we bought a house that's wonderful for living but terrible for entertaining. (tiny kitchen and dining room) We haven't had people over in years. I feel bad about it, but I can't fit more than four people in the dining room.

So you don't reciprocate at all when people have you over for dinner?

So the posters who are good at hosting aren’t going to come back and share?

I just hate their kids coming.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our house is ALWAYS spotlessly clean and we have plenty of good booze (and good coffee and tea). The people with anxiety sound like slobs and/or insecure about their house being downscale vis a vis the company.

How do you keep your home this way? I’m a neat freak and even my home isn’t as tidy as I would like for it to be. There’s always dust building up somewhere.

Help.

I feel the same way. I used to love hosting and had people over all the time. Then we bought a house that's wonderful for living but terrible for entertaining. (tiny kitchen and dining room) We haven't had people over in years. I feel bad about it, but I can't fit more than four people in the dining room.