Reply to my wife's thin skin

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I'm not sure. 90% of the posters have assumed that I'm an aggressive tyrant who nitpicks every single decision made in my household. So those comments are useless to me because that isn't the situation. I'm relatively soft-spoken and I have a lot of patience after years and years of being with a prior partner for a few years who had borderline personality disorder. So I know a thing or two about how to frame conversations in a careful manner. But my wife doesn't have a disorder. She is a mentally healthy person who is a wonderful spouse 99% of the time. But the 1% scares the heck out of me because the world falls apart precisely in the moment that I most need it to hang together.

The comments I found the most useful were those focused on cultural differences. I think those differences might be playing a role.

Most likely we will try counseling,[b] assuming my spouse is willing[/b].
[/quote]

Here's the most important thing in this thread:

[u]If she doesn't want to do couples therapy, then do individual therapy. Don't hang onto this "assuming my spouse is willing" bullshit.[/u]

Reread what you wrote:

[quote]But the 1% [b]scares the heck out of me[/b] because the world falls apart precisely in the moment that I most need it to hang together.  [/quote]

[quote]This suffocates the conversation. So I focus on the kids, and she focuses on the kids, and this seems to keep the ship upright. But it is just sidestepping the problem, and pretending that everything is OK, when it isn't. [/quote]

[quote][b]I'll do what it takes to get over this hump and get the gears turning again[/b].[/quote]

[quote]It would make life easier for her if she drove now, but she seems hell-bent on playing the role of the martyr. [/quote]

[quote]Rather, I was careful and polite, because I knew, from experience, that I was walking on eggshells. And sure enough, those shells cracked. I'm not sure how to magically walk across those shells without breaking them. A two-ounce mouse could crack them. [/quote]

[quote]But when it comes time to discuss something significant, the wheels sometimes come off. And no, my list of "significant" items is not a mile long -- it is pretty damn short. [b]I think a husband and wife need to be able to discuss key issues without the wheels coming off.[/b][/quote]

[quote]In other words -- [b]we can't talk about big issues.[/b] I mean we can't even get the conversation started.... It is almost as if she is opposed to reason itself -- that the mere act of THINKING before making an important choice is a challenge to her approach to decision-making.[/quote]

[quote]I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through.... This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap. [/quote]

[quote][b]And I want a cure[/b]. ...Well, those suggestions basically mirrored the actual conversations I had with my wife. So the medicine you are prescribing was used from the outset. [/quote]

[quote]But the fact that communication seems completely impossible during these situations really concerns me. It is like an eclipse occurs, completely blocking out the sun. 
... I communicate politely and gently with my wife, and I do not yell. I listen. I try to understand her point of view. But something goes badly wrong now and then and [b]I can't understand why.[/b] [/quote]

You are "scared as heck." You are afraid for the safety of your children. You'll do anything to figure out how to make this work.

Either these things are true, and you'll work on what you can change (that's you -- with the help of a professional -- even if the part you fix is your willingness to put up with certain things), or at least one of them isn't, and you'll be happy with some vague suggestion to consider cultural differences, because the point of this wasn't fixing the problem -- it was to bitch about your wife anonymously.

If it matters, take care of it. Step up to the plate. Don't keep blaming her for your unwillingness to do the hard things. Blame her for what she is responsible for, not for your actions.[/quote]

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