Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

This x1000 My husband can be really critical sometimes. If your wife is constantly getting shot down by you or your tone suggests that you always know best, I can see why she'd react this way.

Anonymous wrote:The way you write it sure sounds like she's overreacting, but ask yourself whether you are frequently critical. Sometimes it's not that you didn't like the chair she picked, it's that you criticized the last 17 things she's suggested or done, and this is just the last straw. Or that you frequently criticize without offering alternatives (so that "let's consider alternatives" really means "you go find some more options for me to consider") so she's making all the suggestions and you're just shooting them down, rather than you offering alternatives.

Also consider your tone. You might think that the words you are saying are totally reasonable, but your tone might be coming across as condescending, abrupt, sharp, etc.

And the driving thing makes it sound like you don't really trust her judgment, and that vibe gets old fast, too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has your wife been in this country? If over 5 years, I’m not sure cultural differences can explain the divide.
OP - how often do these lapses in judgement occur? Once every six months- not a big deal. Once a month - get into joint counseling ASAP.

Over 10 years in this country.

I'd say we average around one significant communication breakdown every 6 months. That track record isn't bad, I suppose ... maybe better than many couples. But the fact that communication seems completely impossible during these situations really concerns me. It is like an eclipse occurs, completely blocking out the sun.

Sometimes, during these situations, I don't think she is actually processing what I am saying. It is kind of like a tennis match in which I hit the ball to the left side of the court, but she runs over the right side of the court to hit a non-existent ball. I then have to tell her that, well, no, I actually hit the ball to the left side of the court, not the right.

My wife's listening skills seem below average. I don't mean just with me ... I mean with everybody she interacts with. A person might relate a story to her, quite clearly, and she will ask the person a question that was already answered in a minute earlier in the conversation. I recall once a situation in which a mutual friend relayed a recipe for baking bread, and my wife followed this up by asking for the recipe. I don't quite understand how you can stand face-to-face with somebody and not hear them, but it seems to happen periodically with my wife ... not all of the time, but just enough that it seems to be part of a pattern. I'm not sure if this is a factor that feeds into the communication breakdowns that occur in our marriage.

My wife's English is excellent, so the language is not a barrier, just in case you were wondering. So the root of the problem lies elsewhere. Yes yes yes, I get that I might be contributing to the problem. But I'm not quite sure how. I communicate politely and gently with my wife, and I do not yell. I listen. I try to understand her point of view. But something goes badly wrong now and then and I can't understand why.

Considering you're doing the same thing over and over again in this thread ("No, that's not what I said!" when it was actually exactly what you just wrote), the problem is not your wife. It's you.

I had a long talk with my wife last night. It was the most constructive talk we have ever had. What I learned is that there was one particular button I was pushing in our arguments over the years that deeply angered her. She felt it was a blow below the belt. And yet she never told me until now. I had to drag it out of her, in an effort to penetrate to the root of our problems. I just wish I had known sooner. I've agreed to clean up my act, so that when we do have an argument, we fight with Marquess of Queensberry Rules as opposed to having a street brawl. So, maybe a bit of progress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has your wife been in this country? If over 5 years, I’m not sure cultural differences can explain the divide.
OP - how often do these lapses in judgement occur? Once every six months- not a big deal. Once a month - get into joint counseling ASAP.

Over 10 years in this country.

I'd say we average around one significant communication breakdown every 6 months. That track record isn't bad, I suppose ... maybe better than many couples. But the fact that communication seems completely impossible during these situations really concerns me. It is like an eclipse occurs, completely blocking out the sun.

Sometimes, during these situations, I don't think she is actually processing what I am saying. It is kind of like a tennis match in which I hit the ball to the left side of the court, but she runs over the right side of the court to hit a non-existent ball. I then have to tell her that, well, no, I actually hit the ball to the left side of the court, not the right.

My wife's listening skills seem below average. I don't mean just with me ... I mean with everybody she interacts with. A person might relate a story to her, quite clearly, and she will ask the person a question that was already answered in a minute earlier in the conversation. I recall once a situation in which a mutual friend relayed a recipe for baking bread, and my wife followed this up by asking for the recipe. I don't quite understand how you can stand face-to-face with somebody and not hear them, but it seems to happen periodically with my wife ... not all of the time, but just enough that it seems to be part of a pattern. I'm not sure if this is a factor that feeds into the communication breakdowns that occur in our marriage.

My wife's English is excellent, so the language is not a barrier, just in case you were wondering. So the root of the problem lies elsewhere. Yes yes yes, I get that I might be contributing to the problem. But I'm not quite sure how. I communicate politely and gently with my wife, and I do not yell. I listen. I try to understand her point of view. But something goes badly wrong now and then and I can't understand why.

Considering you're doing the same thing over and over again in this thread ("No, that's not what I said!" when it was actually exactly what you just wrote), the problem is not your wife. It's you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long has your wife been in this country? If over 5 years, I’m not sure cultural differences can explain the divide.
OP - how often do these lapses in judgement occur? Once every six months- not a big deal. Once a month - get into joint counseling ASAP.

Over 10 years in this country.

I'd say we average around one significant communication breakdown every 6 months. That track record isn't bad, I suppose ... maybe better than many couples. But the fact that communication seems completely impossible during these situations really concerns me. It is like an eclipse occurs, completely blocking out the sun.

Sometimes, during these situations, I don't think she is actually processing what I am saying. It is kind of like a tennis match in which I hit the ball to the left side of the court, but she runs over the right side of the court to hit a non-existent ball. I then have to tell her that, well, no, I actually hit the ball to the left side of the court, not the right.

My wife's listening skills seem below average. I don't mean just with me ... I mean with everybody she interacts with. A person might relate a story to her, quite clearly, and she will ask the person a question that was already answered in a minute earlier in the conversation. I recall once a situation in which a mutual friend relayed a recipe for baking bread, and my wife followed this up by asking for the recipe. I don't quite understand how you can stand face-to-face with somebody and not hear them, but it seems to happen periodically with my wife ... not all of the time, but just enough that it seems to be part of a pattern. I'm not sure if this is a factor that feeds into the communication breakdowns that occur in our marriage.

My wife's English is excellent, so the language is not a barrier, just in case you were wondering. So the root of the problem lies elsewhere. Yes yes yes, I get that I might be contributing to the problem. But I'm not quite sure how. I communicate politely and gently with my wife, and I do not yell. I listen. I try to understand her point of view. But something goes badly wrong now and then and I can't understand why.

Anonymous wrote:
I'm not sure. 90% of the posters have assumed that I'm an aggressive tyrant who nitpicks every single decision made in my household. So those comments are useless to me because that isn't the situation. I'm relatively soft-spoken and I have a lot of patience after years and years of being with a prior partner for a few years who had borderline personality disorder. So I know a thing or two about how to frame conversations in a careful manner. But my wife doesn't have a disorder. She is a mentally healthy person who is a wonderful spouse 99% of the time. But the 1% scares the heck out of me because the world falls apart precisely in the moment that I most need it to hang together.

The comments I found the most useful were those focused on cultural differences. I think those differences might be playing a role.

Most likely we will try counseling, assuming my spouse is willing.

But the 1% scares the heck out of me because the world falls apart precisely in the moment that I most need it to hang together.

This suffocates the conversation. So I focus on the kids, and she focuses on the kids, and this seems to keep the ship upright. But it is just sidestepping the problem, and pretending that everything is OK, when it isn't.

I'll do what it takes to get over this hump and get the gears turning again.

It would make life easier for her if she drove now, but she seems hell-bent on playing the role of the martyr.

Rather, I was careful and polite, because I knew, from experience, that I was walking on eggshells. And sure enough, those shells cracked. I'm not sure how to magically walk across those shells without breaking them. A two-ounce mouse could crack them.

But when it comes time to discuss something significant, the wheels sometimes come off. And no, my list of "significant" items is not a mile long -- it is pretty damn short. I think a husband and wife need to be able to discuss key issues without the wheels coming off.

In other words -- we can't talk about big issues. I mean we can't even get the conversation started.... It is almost as if she is opposed to reason itself -- that the mere act of THINKING before making an important choice is a challenge to her approach to decision-making.

I wonder, though, if for some issues my wife simply can't reason her way through.... This makes me nervous, because when a parent is responsible for a child's life, the parent MUST look before they leap.

And I want a cure. ...Well, those suggestions basically mirrored the actual conversations I had with my wife. So the medicine you are prescribing was used from the outset.

But the fact that communication seems completely impossible during these situations really concerns me. It is like an eclipse occurs, completely blocking out the sun.
... I communicate politely and gently with my wife, and I do not yell. I listen. I try to understand her point of view. But something goes badly wrong now and then and I can't understand why.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Why are you not willing to seriously consider therapy, instead of just asking anonymous people here? Honest question.

I am willing to consider therapy, but I thought I would also getting advice here, since there is nothing to lose.

I do love my wife. And my kids. So getting kicked around a bit by a few strangers on the internet is fine with me if I can pick up a few tidbits that help me mend my marriage.

So, we're at 12 pages. Is there anything you've read that you think is likely to be terribly helpful?

If yes, how long will you give it before you decide whether or not it was enough?
If no, how long before you make an appointment with a professional?

Good luck. For real. This isn't easy, whatever is behind it.

I'm not sure. 90% of the posters have assumed that I'm an aggressive tyrant who nitpicks every single decision made in my household. So those comments are useless to me because that isn't the situation. I'm relatively soft-spoken and I have a lot of patience after years and years of being with a prior partner for a few years who had borderline personality disorder. So I know a thing or two about how to frame conversations in a careful manner. But my wife doesn't have a disorder. She is a mentally healthy person who is a wonderful spouse 99% of the time. But the 1% scares the heck out of me because the world falls apart precisely in the moment that I most need it to hang together.

The comments I found the most useful were those focused on cultural differences. I think those differences might be playing a role.

Most likely we will try counseling, assuming my spouse is willing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Why are you not willing to seriously consider therapy, instead of just asking anonymous people here? Honest question.

I am willing to consider therapy, but I thought I would also getting advice here, since there is nothing to lose.

I do love my wife. And my kids. So getting kicked around a bit by a few strangers on the internet is fine with me if I can pick up a few tidbits that help me mend my marriage.

So, we're at 12 pages. Is there anything you've read that you think is likely to be terribly helpful?

If yes, how long will you give it before you decide whether or not it was enough?
If no, how long before you make an appointment with a professional?

Good luck. For real. This isn't easy, whatever is behind it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy it either.

You probably felt you were gentle but you were being condescending and argumentative. You probably harped on and on about driving mistakes and she exploded and responded I'm never driving them again.

In the end, if she is a bad driver she shouldn't be driving the kids around. Great if she never drives them again

OP here. She was a bad driver because she hadn't driven in 10 years, and hadn't driven in the USA. Now she is much improved. It would make life easier for her if she drove now, but she seems hell-bent on playing the role of the martyr.

When I raised the driving issue initially, I began by explaining that I am uncomfortable driving in any new country. It takes me a while to acclimate, and it isn't wise to go through the acclimation process with kids in the car. I explained this using ME as the example. I then generalized, and said that I would hope that she would want some solo practice before driving with the kids.

I don't think I was condescending. Rather, I was careful and polite, because I knew, from experience, that I was walking on eggshells. And sure enough, those shells cracked. I'm not sure how to magically walk across those shells without breaking them. A two-ounce mouse could crack them.

Anonymous wrote:

Why are you not willing to seriously consider therapy, instead of just asking anonymous people here? Honest question.

I am willing to consider therapy, but I thought I would also getting advice here, since there is nothing to lose.

I do love my wife. And my kids. So getting kicked around a bit by a few strangers on the internet is fine with me if I can pick up a few tidbits that help me mend my marriage.