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[quote=Anonymous]Widow here... I guess I thought about it when he was alive, but only in brief moments, and it took me a while to work through the feelings of guilt over those thoughts after he died. It was a solid marriage, and divorce was not contemplated.

Post death and post raw, gutting, transformational grief, I find that I favor my independence and ability to make solo decisions. I'm grateful for life insurance and death benefits. Connections with dear friends are deeper and more meaningful. I found a love for writing and cooking. And I'm better at my job than I have ever been, because I lost the ability to think I'm an imposter the day he died and I was forced to carry our load.

But the day-to-day is relentless. Parenting, household upkeep, full-time work, maintaining relationships with his family, holding my children's grief, being the mom they have and the dad they lost, not having a consistent way to tag out, missing the great parts about him, dating middle-aged men who are all sorts of broken, maintaining the disciplined daily self care that I need to institute just to stay sane, and living every day with a varying level of sticky sadness that doesn't ever leave.

Life has changed. Not judging whether it's good or bad. It's probably both.

I wish you all ease.[/quote]

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