Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how being divorced is worse than being widowed. Is it about splitting the money v. having all of it? LOL

For me, it's about having all of the kid.

It's the money. I wouldn't mind sharing my kids.

Until my husband announced he was leaving me for someone else, I never had thoughts like this. Now that he’s also ditched our kids? I want all of the money.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly, yes. When my husband snapped at me that I was stupid in the middle of a parent teacher conference for our 6 year old son, after yelling at a school crossing guard who asked him not to cross against the light on our way in, I wished he were dead.

Hope you left or are making plans to!

Anonymous wrote:Yes, especially on days that I am so angry at him.. I often dream of myself living with just me and the kids.. I have come to resent him over the years for being so controlling which led to really falling out of love.. on the other hand, I don't want to divorce for the sake of my children as they don't really see us being unhappy and miserable.. but I am, have been for a good few years.. so yeah sometimes I daydream about it only because he is also very unhealthy.. his doctor even said he might not reach 50 if he does not change his ways (he is only 42 now)

Are you sure your kids don’t pick up on the unhappiness in your marriage?
If your husband is unhealthy, watch out that he doesn’t have a debilitating stroke or heart attack which would result in you getting stuck taking care of him. Leave while you can.

Widow here... I guess I thought about it when he was alive, but only in brief moments, and it took me a while to work through the feelings of guilt over those thoughts after he died. It was a solid marriage, and divorce was not contemplated.

Post death and post raw, gutting, transformational grief, I find that I favor my independence and ability to make solo decisions. I'm grateful for life insurance and death benefits. Connections with dear friends are deeper and more meaningful. I found a love for writing and cooking. And I'm better at my job than I have ever been, because I lost the ability to think I'm an imposter the day he died and I was forced to carry our load.

But the day-to-day is relentless. Parenting, household upkeep, full-time work, maintaining relationships with his family, holding my children's grief, being the mom they have and the dad they lost, not having a consistent way to tag out, missing the great parts about him, dating middle-aged men who are all sorts of broken, maintaining the disciplined daily self care that I need to institute just to stay sane, and living every day with a varying level of sticky sadness that doesn't ever leave.

Life has changed. Not judging whether it's good or bad. It's probably both.

I wish you all ease.

No, I would never wish that on anyone. Life is too short to be miserable. Either get the marriage help you need to live amicably or separate IMO.

Yes. I thought no one else felt this way, but yes, I think of this often. I feel bad about it, but I can't help myself.

I should have divorced when my first child was 2-ish but I hung on. Things got better for awhile and we had another child who I so thankful for. But the marriage nosedived a couple of years later, but I had hung on too long.

Yes. I don’t really understand why DH wants to live this way. He has so much going for him. He is smart, funny, and well educated. Has a good job.
Why does he want to live his life in such a way that his immediate family members would be happier if he were dead?

If you have Paramount + watch Why Women Kill it's fabulous. It goes with this topic.

Yes. I would really like to move back to where we grew up and lived when we were first married and our kids were little. We have a lot of friends, siblings, parents, and extended family there. I wish my kids could grow up with that. I’m happy to be the solo breadwinner, but DH won’t move.

Anonymous wrote:Ironically, the year before my XH decided to upgrade his verbal and emotional abuse to physical, he was diagnosed with a potentially fatal, but correctable condition because I noticed the symptoms. He had the surgery, never thanked me, and was twice as abusive to me afterwards. If I had just kept my mouth shut, he would have likely died in a few months. I wouldn't have suffered the last terrifying months of our marriage, the grueling divorce and custody battle, his still-ongoing harassment.

Phew...I get it, PP.

My ex is a horrendous abusive narcopath and while it feels horrible to think this, yes, if he died my/my child's life would be so much better and more peaceful. Yes, I do wish that for us at times. I'm currently listening to the new book "It's Not You" by Dr. Ramani Durvasula and she talks about this exact topic and how it is common for people in situations like this to think about or wish for the abuser's death.

Anonymous wrote:If you feel this way, you should talk to a divorce attorney. Your daughter will sense your hatred for her father and that tension in the household is worse for children than divorce.

+1 to this. I am a widow and would never have gotten divorced, but my marriage wasn't great. If you decide to stay, you have to learn not to hate him and to co-exist peacefully. You have to do that if you're divorced, too. So work on that instead of fantasizing about being a widow (which is not fun, by the way - and I am self-sufficient and my children are older teen / young adult).

Anonymous wrote:I do - DH is a jerk and I can't stand being with him. Yet, I don't want a divorce as that would made DD sad.

I thought this more than several times. I decided to leave. Just filed for divorce.

If you feel this way, you should talk to a divorce attorney. Your daughter will sense your hatred for her father and that tension in the household is worse for children than divorce.

Yes, especially on days that I am so angry at him.. I often dream of myself living with just me and the kids.. I have come to resent him over the years for being so controlling which led to really falling out of love.. on the other hand, I don't want to divorce for the sake of my children as they don't really see us being unhappy and miserable.. but I am, have been for a good few years.. so yeah sometimes I daydream about it only because he is also very unhealthy.. his doctor even said he might not reach 50 if he does not change his ways (he is only 42 now)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how being divorced is worse than being widowed. Is it about splitting the money v. having all of it? LOL

For me, it's about having all of the kid.

It's the money. I wouldn't mind sharing my kids.