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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here.   I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother.  The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries.  It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have.  DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house.  He says it's an "emergency fund."  I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart.  That seems unlikely.  I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother.  We can actually afford the kind of house I would like.  He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate.  So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room  for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it.  This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.[/quote]

I think a marriage counselor would be really helpful here.  I can appreciate the frustration of feeling like your spouse is hoarding cash for the sake of hoarding cash at the expense of things you believe would improve your quality of life.  At the same time, that kind of behavior is often the result of some pretty significant anxiety/insecurity about the unknown, which is not uncommon for siblings of someone with serious mental illness or other family instability.  Counseling together, and maybe for one or both of you individually, may be really helpful for seeing each other’s perspectives, recognizing how your own issues may be interfering, and finding a compromise that respects both of your needs and priorities. [/quote]

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