Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 10:07     Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.


I think a marriage counselor would be really helpful here. I can appreciate the frustration of feeling like your spouse is hoarding cash for the sake of hoarding cash at the expense of things you believe would improve your quality of life. At the same time, that kind of behavior is often the result of some pretty significant anxiety/insecurity about the unknown, which is not uncommon for siblings of someone with serious mental illness or other family instability. Counseling together, and maybe for one or both of you individually, may be really helpful for seeing each other’s perspectives, recognizing how your own issues may be interfering, and finding a compromise that respects both of your needs and priorities.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 10:01     Subject: Re:DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:Yes you are being unreasonable. Sign a post-nupital agreement that the fund will be returned to him in a home sale should you divorce. Easy peasy.


OPs parents seem to be supporting their lifestyle, which DH doesn't seem to have a problem with
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 09:57     Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
OP here. I now realize that I need to have some difficult conversations with DH about plans for his brother. The fact that we are making a major financial decision of purchasing a new home, that his mother is unequivocally old, and that his brother is undeniably serious ill is bringing this all to a head.

I should have mentioned earlier that we have substantial savings that we have accumulated over the course of our marriage through our salaries. It is of course easier to save a lot when we have received the kind of support from my parents that we have. DH also refuses to use any of our savings for a new house. He says it's an "emergency fund." I'm thinking more about this and I think he's full of it--we would only need that kind of money if both of us were out of work for years and the house completely fell apart. That seems unlikely. I think he just likes the idea of saving large amounts of money which he plans to spend on his brother. We can actually afford the kind of house I would like. He just doesn't want to dip into savings or cut our savings rate. So he's basically telling me, if you want a house with a yard big enough for a swing set and sandbox and a rec room for the kids to hang out in, your parents are going to have to pay for it. This hurts and I don't think is sustainable for the marriage.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 09:53     Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People over paper ($). Live in a less gorgeous house to help him with illness


That sucks. And with all the severely SN children around nowadays, makes me think we should counsel our children to avoid any siblings of severely SN people unless there are guaranteed trusts and accommodations in place to care for them. Why should our children’s lives be compromised?


How, exactly, is OP's life bring "compromised?"


They can afford a certain standard of living but can’t live it because they have to pour a million or more into a brother.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 09:30     Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Setting aside the money aspect, your husband is doing his brother a terrible disservice by sitting on the sidelines and not becoming involved in his care now. I am literally in his situation (with a clueless/willfully blind mother) and that did not stop us from making sure we got involved, set up special needs trusts, push parents to have very frank conversations, got in touch with social workers, and got him signed up for aid and services where qualified. We even pursued a financial POA where my mom was unwilling to reign in spending and help protect his assets.

Anyone on this thread who believes OP’s husband is in the right here because he is simply willing to claim he is setting aside his portion of his inheritance for his brother is clueless. He is admitting he will allow his brother to be preyed upon and allows his brother to be under medicated, which dangerous. He isn’t a good brother. Assuming he is being truthful with OP, he is simply throwing money at the problem to avoid being a good brother.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 07:36     Subject: Re:DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Forget the house, DH's brother's inheritance needs to go into a trust.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 07:33     Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
I think people are being really, really harsh on OP. She and her husband need to get together on finances and develop a joint financial plan that takes into account EVERYONE’s wants and needs, and looks at both current assets and reasonably expected future assets.

We can’t tell from this thread whether OP would spend them into the ground by living above their means or is just asking for some of their accumulated wealth to be put into a different form, i.e., housing in a high cost market. It doesn’t really matter though. What matters is they are not on the same page and they need to get on the same page, or their marriage is going to suffer. I think counseling is in order.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 07:06     Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You stand to inherit a "sizeable sum."

PLUS, you already got:

- Home down payment paid by parents;

- Kids' private school paid by parents;

- 529s for kids college paid by parents;

- Home renovations paid by parents;

- Vacations paid by parents;

- More cash from parents.

And you're seriously complaining??? You are privileged and spoiled as F. Check your privilege lady.



This!!


Agreed - but what is coming from her husband. I’d be upset he wasn’t contributing.


He is working at a high-paying job, and she either isn't working, or is paid much less. In what universe is this not contributing?
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 07:05     Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:People over paper ($). Live in a less gorgeous house to help him with illness


That sucks. And with all the severely SN children around nowadays, makes me think we should counsel our children to avoid any siblings of severely SN people unless there are guaranteed trusts and accommodations in place to care for them. Why should our children’s lives be compromised?


How, exactly, is OP's life bring "compromised?"
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 07:04     Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.


Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.


You are a special needs parent--not a sibling. There have been comments from several SN siblings and their responses have been very helpful as they understand the burden that this is. To pretend that they are saints and it's not a tremendous burden is just BS. Siblings do not carry the same responsibility as parents do.


+100. Parents should never burden their healthy children with the responsibility for their siblings. They have their own lives to live (and being the healthy child in a family with a sibling with a mental illness comes with a lot of sadness and trauma.) Parents, likes OPs DHs parents, who refuse to see what is going on and don't make a reasonable plan, are guilty of a huge dereliction of duty.


So who should be burdened with responsibility for the SN sibling once the parents are gone? Because I know what choice I would make if it was between dignified care for my spouse’s sibling and a bigger/fancier house for me.


Let's be clear, this brother isn't SN, he's a drug addict. You don't want that anywhere near your home or marriage.

He goes to a fine treatment in patient facility as many times as he needs to to get sober.


DP. I think you misunderstood something in the thread, because OP’s BIL isn’t a drug addict, he has a severe mental illness.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 00:35     Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.


Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.


You are a special needs parent--not a sibling. There have been comments from several SN siblings and their responses have been very helpful as they understand the burden that this is. To pretend that they are saints and it's not a tremendous burden is just BS. Siblings do not carry the same responsibility as parents do.


+100. Parents should never burden their healthy children with the responsibility for their siblings. They have their own lives to live (and being the healthy child in a family with a sibling with a mental illness comes with a lot of sadness and trauma.) Parents, likes OPs DHs parents, who refuse to see what is going on and don't make a reasonable plan, are guilty of a huge dereliction of duty.


So who should be burdened with responsibility for the SN sibling once the parents are gone? Because I know what choice I would make if it was between dignified care for my spouse’s sibling and a bigger/fancier house for me.


Let's be clear, this brother isn't SN, he's a drug addict. You don't want that anywhere near your home or marriage.

He goes to a fine treatment in patient facility as many times as he needs to to get sober.
Anonymous
Post 01/31/2023 00:33     Subject: Re:DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Yes you are being unreasonable. Sign a post-nupital agreement that the fund will be returned to him in a home sale should you divorce. Easy peasy.
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2023 23:44     Subject: Re:DH won't use any inheritance for a house
I think you underestimated what it would be like to marry someone who would need to someday solely shoulder the responsibility of caring for their severely disabled sibling. It is not unreasonable that your husband is saving his inheritance for that, given he does not know what he’ll inherit from his mother or when. Don’t move to a HCOL area. I say this as someone who has well of parents, whose spouse has well off parents, and as someone who receives many gifts from our parents- you sound like you’re living hand to mouth, and very spoiled.
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2023 23:30     Subject: Re:DH won't use any inheritance for a house
If you try to make him choose between you and his brother, be prepared to lose.
Anonymous
Post 01/30/2023 23:26     Subject: DH won't use any inheritance for a house
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you're reasonable OP! I think there are a lot of SN moms on this board and their feelings are clouding their judgement. This SN brother has a large inheritance and another one coming to him. Surely he also get social security disability?

OP maybe you could look at larger homes that have an inlaw suite for brother in case he needs it? Maybe then your dh would use his inheritance.

I do think it's selfish he won't use his inheritance and expects you to use yours.


Could be...I am an SN parent and would cut out this woman in a minute.


You are a special needs parent--not a sibling. There have been comments from several SN siblings and their responses have been very helpful as they understand the burden that this is. To pretend that they are saints and it's not a tremendous burden is just BS. Siblings do not carry the same responsibility as parents do.


+100. Parents should never burden their healthy children with the responsibility for their siblings. They have their own lives to live (and being the healthy child in a family with a sibling with a mental illness comes with a lot of sadness and trauma.) Parents, likes OPs DHs parents, who refuse to see what is going on and don't make a reasonable plan, are guilty of a huge dereliction of duty.


So who should be burdened with responsibility for the SN sibling once the parents are gone? Because I know what choice I would make if it was between dignified care for my spouse’s sibling and a bigger/fancier house for me.