Reply to If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "If you forgave infidelity, how did you do it?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][b]Yeah Esther Perel is problematic for me. I agree with some of her observations about monogamy being at odds with our programming, but I think she really doesn't get the trauma aspect of being cheated on.[/b] For however long the cheating has been going on, your reality has been a lie, served up on a platter by the person you trusted most. It cuts very deep.

Look, obviously no romantic partner is perfect. Every relationship has areas for improvement. But implying or outright stating that cheating is a result of those problems really lets the cheater off the hook. Your life isn't going to be perfect every second. It's on you to have healthy coping mechanisms and communication skills. "Oh sorry boss, I know I stole from the company, but you were expecting too much of me, so let's talk about that instead."

"I couldn't figure out how to talk to you about hard stuff without traumatizing you, blowing up our relationship, and exposing you to STDs . . . you understand, right? I mean, you NEVER wash the dishes like you say you will . . ." [/quote]
What? I just read "State of Affairs" and she has like a whole chapter or three on the trauma infidelity inflicts. She says what is often the worst is that the deceived partner's reality was false and that is a huge trauma for them. The life, the relationship they thought they had was a lie. I think her work makes total sense and has helped me personally. [/quote]

Yes, she does mention trauma in State of Affairs, where she says that the trauma must be dealt with before the betrayed spouse can acknowledge how they contributed to the affair. I don't agree that there's a causal relationship between a person's contributions to a marriage and their spouse's decision to cheat, and that it's damaging to imply that there is one. Before State of Affairs, she wrote Mating in Captivity, which doesn't mention trauma once but says a lot about the eroticism of affairs.[/quote]
Are you implying by acknowledging how exciting and erotic affairs are that she is somehow immoral or unethical? She is stating a well known fact that must be brought out of the darkness for people to actually affair-proof their relationships. Or… open them up. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics