Reply to Estrangement Doesn't Just Happen to "Bad" Moms

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Reply to "Estrangement Doesn't Just Happen to "Bad" Moms—It Happened to Me Too"

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[quote=Anonymous]I read this article and the reddit thread, and it isn’t really clear to me who estranged who here.  It sounds like the author and her son had a conflict and neither one wants to be the one who backs down, so things escalated.  She threatened not to come to the wedding, he doesn’t know why.  He called her bluff and forced her hand, she doesn’t know why he didn’t beg her to go.  She called all of the relatives to explain why she wasn’t going and said they “could probably still go.”  He wasn’t close enough with any of them that they came anyway or saw through her BS.  
She knows where he lives (he is renting a house from her), but she doesn’t stop by.  He knows where she lives and doesn’t stop by either.  She sees him in the grocery store and says nothing.  He doesn’t say anything either.  She sends a text, he responds right away.  Neither of them continue the texting conversation.  They see each other to hand over keys.  Both are cold and distant.  
Neither attempts to visit the other for 4.5 years.

The more I type here, the more I wonder of this “estrangement” is actually a sideways, roundabout way for mother and son to continue an intense, unhealthy relationship.  I am not saying that about every estrangement, but maybe this one.  I mean, both of these people seem to spend a ton of time focused on their relationship with each other.  Also, which gives you the bigger feels, your adult child coming to visit for Christmas, or your adult child NOT coming to Christmas because you are “estranged.”  I am not saying which feels better, but in terms of quantity and emotional energy, the not coming is bigger.  I am willing to bet that the family spends more time talking about Dan when he is not there than they would spend talking to him if they all had a typical parent/child relationship.  Worse yet, it would actually be every other Christmas because holidays would be split with the in-laws.  So, if you are in an enmeshed relationship with your son, and he gets married and starts to form his own family, and the thought of him leaving you feels like abandonment and feels intolerable, what do you do?  Do you go to therapy and learn to live with every other Christmas where his attention is split between you and five other people, or do you create this estrangement and make sure that you are a big part of his thoughts every Christmas? (Bonus: you get to justify having him be the center of your thoughts as well).  The price is that you never actually get to see him.  
But I can imagine that for a certain type of person, it might be worth it.  It’s worth never getting to see your mother, never getting to see your son, in exchange for the knowledge that they are always thinking about you.  That you, as the estranged son, are more important than all of the other siblings.  Your mom wrote a book about you!  That you, as the estranged mom are more important than the in-laws.  Again, I am not saying that this is true for every estranged relationship.  
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